Pride and...Well Just Pride

So I work my best at night. I get all my ideas at night, I plan everything at night, I'm productive and motivated at night. I may be a vampire or possibly just an owl in human form, that's alittle less scary - although edward cullen's sparking body definitely made vampires more gay and less scary. I'm rambling, this is because I am really awesome by night, but by day...well I suck. Around midnight tonight I decided that I am no longer going to depress about not having a job and there not being alot of work here on the island. I'm taking action and making something for myself. I have a couple plans that I would like to start putting to the test, one I'm not putting out there for everyone just yet, because I don't want to jinx it or get myself excited before it's more than just an idea. BUT my photo studio isn't just an idea, it's my dream and it will happen, I just hadn't planned the "when" yet. Well when is right now, there is no time like the present and really what else do I have to do? I've been moping around pinning and pouting, but no more. I say this while I'm all hopped up on life and sleepy fumes, but I'm going to put my night energy to good use, if night is when I am most productive, than screw daytime hours, I will do all my photography business stuff at night!

I started on my new logo around 12am and by 1:04 I was finished. Here it is! 

Let me know what you think of the new name and the logo! I never much cared for "robyn guptill photography," it seemed so plain and unoriginal. I like this much better and that little robin was a pain in the ass, but she's done and I really like her. I pretty much am in love with this logo right now. I know it's just because I made it and that's when pride gets dangerous because you grow an attachment to your work. So that's why I want some feedback. What do you like and not like about the logo? My main concern is the "photos" font. I may end up changing that. I wasn't overly fond of the "red robyn" font until I got the little robin on it and decided that the font made it look like she was sitting on little branch letters. But please, I won't get offended by constructive criticism, it is welcomed! I am pretty proud of the creation, the more I look at the bottom font the less I like it so I may fiddle around with that. But it's a start and maybe I will just keep it. I have until I re-vamp my business plan to decide. I am definitely keeping the name and the top part of the logo. 

Stay Happy! I'm off to try and get some sleep. 

Snap Out Of It

Gee, I'm not even sure if I should make this post. I feel like such a whiny baby if I do. But life has been straight-up real for just alittle over a month. And really I commend myself for not being in a depressive state right now. I have struggled with depression for over a year now, last year I was in the worse condition I'd ever been in. I wouldn't get out of bed and I just didn't want to face life. The absolutely stupid part of it, was I really had NOTHING to be depressed about other than the fact that I didn't want to live in the city anymore.
Then I take a look at my life right now and think "WTF Robyn...you had it good a year ago!" In the past month I've lost an immediate family member to the sea, left my long term relationship behind (which I was happy about because it was a toxic relationship and he's not the guy I fell inlove with, but I miss who he was before the alcohol), the pipes in my house frozen, I have mice in my house, I just got laid off and it's the first anniversary of a friends death. So this has been an awful month and even though I have my breakdowns I'm in alot better shape than a year ago.

The main reason I am writing this post is to just vent once again. Like I said I hate talking about it or even thinking about it because I feel like I'm whiny and that I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. I know that I am better off without my ex and who he is now, but alittle less than a year ago I thought we would get back together and stay that way. That things would stick this time and that I wouldn't have to worry. But the longer we were together and the more he drank the less unrealistic that became. I don't hate him and I have forgiven him, but I'm still so hurt. Not even by him but by myself. For planning a future and now having to deal with re-planning and I can't help but plan or try to. And it sounds so cliche, but I don't even know if I believe in love anymore. I've always been a skeptic and a "you love the one your with" type person. But the world is so much colder now, or it seems that way. It's a real miracle when you find a couple that stays together. Faithfulness is a real treasure to find in someone these days and I don't just mean in men.

I've been so lonely and not only do I hate living alone, I HATE that I'm not independent. There are two TOTALLY opposite parts of me. I have this cold, hard, tough side of me that doesn't ever want to feel anything and doesn't want to cry or be vulnerable and then I have the huge baby side of me that wants to do exactly what the other one doesn't. It really makes for a confusing life haha. Like one side of me wants to hate my ex and the other wants to curl into a ball and sob that she's alone and misses him holding her at night. Because really he wasn't all bad. We really did love each other, but in the end it came down to what he decided, I know he didn't understand that he was making ultimate decisions when he chose to do certain things, but those were deal breakers for me. I don't want to be constantly wondering if I can trust him or not, if he's going to be doing this or that behind my back or if he's really telling the truth or if later he's going to trip up in his lies and I'll realize that something was really wrong instead of right. But I really miss having someone there.
I'm the type of person that hates having a void in her life. When something goes missing I want to replace it right away, replace is the wrong word - but I need to fill a hole once something goes missing. Not that I don't want to remember what once was there, but that I can't handle not having it. When I have a pet die, I need to get another one, I need to love something else or have something else love me. And I substitute things - mostly food - for things that go wrong or missing. I hate that I'm that way. I hate that I NEED things. I hate that I can't just accept stuff and move on. So I'm trying really hard not to find a substitute for my ex. I want to be alone for awhile, or one side of me wants to be alone for awhile, when the other side really just wants to mail order a man and marry him. But I'm keeping myself real and off the mail order websites hahaha

As far as being laid off and being on call for work, I'm somewhat glad to have some time to work on my weight loss! I'm hitting the gym hardcore and rocking that shit. I want to be a decent size for summer and be able to be comfortable and have some fun!

NO More Excuses!

I know what you're all thinking. Here's another weight loss post and a year from now she'll make the same one.

I fell off the wagon. Not only did I fall off of it but it dragged me a couple miles and backed up over me. I had lost a good chuck of weight off my body a year ago, but then I got into a relationship, became lazy and didn't really care too much about it anymore. It wasn't the healthiest of relationships so I put some of the blame on it, but ultimately it is my fault. I am the only one that had the control to change my weight and I let go of that control.

So what am I going to do about it? Be 10 times better than I was the last time I lost the weight. The last time I really didn't do too much, just changed my eating, kept track of it and kept busy. I didn't exercise or care too much about how I lost it as long as I lost it. This time as my awesome single self, I am going to do so much more to further my weight loss adventure.
I'm choosing to call it my weight loss adventure partly because journey is way too common and when I use the word adventure I think of something daring and exciting, filled with epic stories and some bad days too. And really that's what my weight loss is all about. I want it to be an adventure, something exciting! So that is what I am going to make it this time.

I will try to have frequent posts about my weight loss adventure, along with "The Recipe Challenge" which will be me trying new recipes. I was a very picking person until I was about 16, and I still find myself eating alot of the same things, partly because it's habit and easier to cook what I know and it might be alittle cheaper because I don't really buy too much. So along with The Recipe Challenge will be my Single With A House / Home-Owning Adventures posts.
I really want to harness my blogging power to help me keep on track with everything, I'm writing this at night before I go to bed, and I tend to have all my energy and optimism at this time of the day. But I'm getting really good at keep on track and organized with my life.

Here are some "weighs" I plan to keep on track with my Weight Loss Adventure

1.

I'm going to start putting Happy and Sad faces on my calendar
at the end of the day. Hoping that there will be more good days
than bad to encourage me to keep going and make progress! 

2.

Make something like this that can keep track

3.

Each time I work out I put a dollar in the jar. (maybe
even a toonie) But point is I don't believe in food
rewards. I am not a dog, plus I know that there will be
days when my eating isn't all that healthy, so I don't
want to encourage that. I have rewards like new clothes
and a new tattoo in a place that may not have been so
attractive when I'm this heavy.

4.

I want TRY to plan my meals a week even a month in advance. To hopefully help
out my wallet, weight and organizing. 

5.

Keep researching exercises, tips, recipes and more to keep me going.

6.

Eat alot of salad. I'm not a big fan of salads, but I find when I
pretend I do or even be optimistic about eating them they
taste better. I want to try different salad recipes and try to eat
clean. I may even try a cleanse too.

7. Stay Inspired! Read about others going through the same thing or ones that have already reached their goal and how they stay there.

this girl kinda reminds me of myself (her before) that's
about the same look I have (a bit heavier) but DAMN
wouldn't I love to have the same outcome!! She's smokin!
and didn't lose all her boobs! I have a fear of losing my
boobs.

I love when I can see faces in before and after photos, partly because sometimes I feel like they can be fake, but
when you can see their face you KNOW that they kicked weights ass. I also like when I see more than 1
year between the photos, because it makes me feel realize that I'm not the only one that either can't lose weight
in 6 months and they too struggled at it, and some of us just have to work harder to lose it and wait longer
for it to happen. 

8. Photos of what I would like to look like! Don't get me wrong I would love to be skinny (skinny healthy, not skinny skinny) but that's not what I am shooting for at the moment. I am shooting for juicy healthy. toned healthy. Because to be honest I like being "juicy" and "curvy" I'm torn between being skinny or being a toned plus size like these girls.

I would LOVE to look like this woman right here. THIS is what I am shooting
for! and I like she is the most gorgeous woman I have seen! And this is the
body that I would love to have. 

Stay Happy and Stay Focused!!!

They Say You're Better Off Alone

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like your head is so full and overwhelmed, but you don't even know by what?

I went to bed last night hoping to wake up refreshed in the morning, but all the happened was trouble falling asleep and I woke up not wanting to move. I just had a feeling it wasn't going to be my day. Maybe I made it that way by thinking it, but my mother came to my house to help me get me "office" in order. It hasn't been in order since the day I moved into my house, it's basically been a junk room. The whole time she was trying to help me I couldn't concentrate on anything, one where to put this and that or what to keep and through out and I just didn't want to have any part of it. So we did the bare minimum because clearly it just wasn't the day to work on it. We did get quite a lot accomplished, but not what I had hoped for. 

I grew hungry so went to the kitchen and grabbed a salad and some carrots, sat down on the couch and didn't move from there all afternoon. I felt so lonely and sad, yet didn't want anyone near me. I laid there and flicked through netflix until I turned it off, I stared at the ceiling, wishing today and tomorrow away. I wanted to go back to work, to have some sort of foundation under my feet. I hate having all this time on my hands to think. I went through a rough depression last winter and today I felt the way I did when that began. 

I hated where my life was last winter. I lived somewhere I didn't want to live, I didn't want to be in school, I was doing things that I wanted to be okay, but on the inside I wasn't. I just overall didn't like who I was. And not that I'm that person anymore, but I've hit a crossroads where I am faced with the option to be that person again. For some reason I'm tempted to and I thinks that's the part that bothers me most, the fact that I've even considered being who I used to be after taking all the time to get my act together. Maybe there's a happy medium, but I'm not sure I could find it, so I don't want to take the risk to find out. I know I've learned from that and wouldn't give up what I have now, which is really the only thing that matters. It just shocks you to know where you'll mind will wonder to when you're unhappy. 

After laying there awhile my mother called me. Asking if I was okay and how I was feeling, she knew I had been alittle down earlier in the day. She told me "You know you've suffered a loss too. Not just George, but Justin as well." With everything that had been happening after the accident, the constant stream of people coming in and out, trying to have any tiny bit of a normal Christmas, my breakup pushed back, because I had other things to grieve. At the time it was more of a relief than anything. He was making my life - and my mothers - harder than it needed to be so it just seemed like there was no reason to be sad, all I felt was anger towards him and glad that he was gone. 

Today when my mother referred to him as a "loss," it hit me differently. I realized that even though I was happy to be rid of the guy that he had become, I could feel sad that I had lost my bestfriend, who he used to be. That it was okay that I've been hating the fact that I'm alone now, that it's okay to cry about the loss of a future I once thought I had with him. I bought this house when we were together, and made plans with him, now I sit in this house and wonder "what the fuck am I going to do now?" I love this house and wouldn't give it up for the world, but now it's like I'm afraid to move ahead alone. 

If anyone knows me well they know that I hate to be alone. Yes, I have times when I don't want anyone near me and will bite your head off because any sound made annoys me, but one of my biggest fears is to be alone. Sitting here in the dark, listening to the little noises makes me sad, lonely and afraid. I would rather have my house filled with chaos then to spend days by myself. I know I need to be alone right now, I need to find strength to be alone. I did it once and I will do it again. But theres always that fear in the back of my mind that I will be alone forever. This fear isn't because I'm hard on myself or don't find myself pretty enough or because I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. I'm scared of being alone because sometimes I find it so hard to live with myself that it scares me into thinking "Who the hell would want to spend forever with me? who wants to make that kind of commitment?" Or I'm afraid of other people, I don't trust people at all right now (which is again in my own head so really it all comes back to me being the issue and not allowing myself to trust someone) No one needs to be punished for what someone else did to me. 

Some say you're better off alone. 

I'm afraid of becoming one of those people. I'm afraid of becoming someone who is scared of NOT being alone, that is scared to care or love someone else, trust someone else. Because I know that being alone keeps you from getting hurt and I completely understand that right now, but when I look at what I want my future to be, I don't want it to be just me in my house.  I want there to be someone else, with little someone else's running around. People need love, and even if we avoid it sometimes for the sake of protecting ourselves and not wanting to admit that we need it, we still do. Maybe I'm not ready to set myself up for any more pain right now, but I know I'm always going to be willing to take another risk. Even if it means ending up feeling like this again and back at square one. Nothing last forever and change is constant, so maybe I just have to accept that I'll love more than one person and there'll be more heart breaks, but I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up because I know for a fact that I won't be happy alone. Might as well risk it to be happy even if it's not forever. 

Stay Happy.

The Test

Life sure has a way of throwing shit at us all at once.

Let me just say that first off this Christmas did not feel like Christmas, no cheer, no energy, no joy, but there came was some understanding. Not to the questions that we wanted answered, like why, but understanding that we will never know, understanding of the past month, and understanding of some itty bitty ounce of good that came from a tragedy.

My Christmas was miserable because of the accident, a breakup and the common cold. I did hold myself together most of the time thinking of my mother and her loss, of all our loss and I'm proud that I got the courage to step out of a relationship that truly was unhealthy. I'm extremely proud of my Mother, she is my hero for having the strength to get out of bed in the morning, especially these past couple of days and more the fact that they were holidays meant to be happy. I could go on and on about how proud I am of my mother and that she is my mother, so to sum it up she's just plain amazing and I will be here for her for the rest of her life.

I am over my anger of what happened, it didn't last long and if anything my faith has been strengthened and I've noticed alot of spiritual moments over the past week.

As for my break-up I need to do a little venting.

As much as I want to bash him and say all the awful things that I have been thinking these past couple of days. I doubted how much longer I would be able to put off leaving, I knew it was coming but the holidays, denial and hope were keeping me from just doing it. Finding out some news of how much it upset George that I was in such an unhealthy relationship and how much it upset him that I put up with being treated poorly, mixed with some recent lines being crossed just sent me over the edge with anger and I got fed up. It was the last straw. I think that the anger has 

masked much of my emotions of suddenly being single again, I know that I am upset. I loved Justin, still do because those feelings just don't go away, but he isn't the guy that I fell inlove with anymore and I had to come to terms that I can't make him who he used to be, he has to and I can't fix him. We were both miserable, I can be very hard to live with as well, we all have our faults. I would like to say that his may be worse, but he is sick. Being an alcoholic isn't something that he can just give up over night. But the mental abuse and lying that came with it stripped me of my trust, the stealing and hiding and sneaking combined with the recent pain he had caused made me realize there would be no way that he could regain that trust needed to have a healthy relationship. I would always be wondering, even if I gave him some trust, it wouldn't all be there, it would always be whispering in the back of my head. So neither of us deserved that. He can hate me, bash me, forget me and more. I'm going to try my best to take the high road, not the usual high road of "i'm bigger than you, I'm pretending that I don't care what you do or what you say" road, I'm taking the "i'm going to mourn the loss of our relationship, cry to myself in order to move on, not go on a slut binge, do what's best for me and get healthy" high road. There will be moments when he'll hurt me and maybe that's what he is setting out to do, but this time I can't let it control me, I have to take a deep breath, remember that I deserve so much more even if that means a single life for awhile and turn my head, maybe even think of something awesome and new in my life and smile about that. 

We could have been something great, if we were both the same people we used to be, the people that planned out an awesome little hobby farm and cute little family, but there wasn't half gallons in hiding places or fights over old fights from years ago in those plans. Somewhere along the way there was a mistake made that did a ripple affect to spoil our plans or maybe it was fate, a lesson to learn. Who knows, life is a mystery and time isn't going to stop because of a break up. 

I'm going to be happy! For me, for him, because I do still care about him, even if he thinks I don't, I do wish him the best and hope that he can find happiness and love down the road. It'll be heard not to go running back to that relationship. It's what I have known for so long. We started dating 5 years ago, with last year spending 10 months apart and getting back together. He's the only relationship I've had, he's the only relationship I've known. 

This time I need to do something that I am so afraid of doing, be alone. Yes I've been single, but in the back of my head I always knew he'd be there when I wanted to come back. This time even if he is still there to go back to "I" have to do this on my own, do something different, and move on for good. No more peeking back and making sure he is still there, I really have to let go of the past and walk into my future. Make something better for myself. I have an awesome house, an amazing job, the building blocks of my own business, so now I need to work on getting healthy and organized and then down the road maybe some guy will come along that's worth giving a new relationship a shot. 

 I've still got some growing up to do, but don't we all? I know the things that I want, but it's the getting to it that's going to be the hard part, but I guess it all takes time and it never happens the way you plan it. Which is so hard for me because I like to have everything planned out the way I want.

I'm getting so tired that my eyes are beginning to cross and the words are all starting to blur together, so I'll finish up the post with saying that I am sad for the end of this relationship, its like giving up on a dream that we had mapped out and imagined for ourselves - see there's that thing I do... plan shit - but it needed to happen, so I will learn to love it and I could use the single time to myself. I have some pinterest projects I want to get done and ALOT of stuff to do at my house. Hopefully I will be able to post again in the next couple of days about getting back into living at my own house!

Stay Happy! or atleast work on being happy!

There Are No Words

This post will contradict the title.

I wanted to post this while my feelings and thoughts were still on the surface and it will probably take me hours to word correctly. A day or two after something like this happens feelings get muted and numb. Some may wonder, why would you post this now? There must be something better you could be doing, why would you want to remember this? But there isn't anything else I could be doing, except waiting. I probably will get little sleep tonight and this is a way to release my feelings when I am trying to be strong for my family, is also keeps my mind on a steady track in order to collect my thoughts.

Tonight, my mother's boyfriend - i hate this word, it seems so immature and small - her love is what I will consider him in this post, was taken from her tonight, from us. Everyday we forget or put in the back of our minds the dangers of the job that most of our men and woman face.
I come from a small fishing community of Grand Manan Island. My mothers love, was lobster fishing when he went into the water without a sound and in the blink of an eye. There was nothing that could have stopped it or that the men he was with could have done. This was between 4:30pm and 5:30pm. As I write this sentence it is 12:20am Dec 21 2012 and there has been no sign. There is no way that we will ever see him walk through the doors again. The temperature of our oceans water this time of real is beyond breath-takingly cold, it is life-takingly cold, his chance of survival for a couple of hours would have been surprising. It has been 7 hours now. My mother knows that it's over, but she still has hope they may find his body. She is such a strong woman, I can only half image how she feels. George was family to me, but he was her love.

First off I would like to thank our amazing community.
The amount of boats that went to the scene to search for hours in the dark and cold. Except it was anything but dark. The power of over 20 vessels lit up the waters surface, 2 helicopters and countless flares in the sky sent light from above. I heard it looked like a city on the sea searching for a lost man. The search will end in a couple of hours.
Then there are the people from home that are waiting for news just like us. I truly believe that when one of our hearts breaks here on the island at least half of the communities hearts are heavily filled or cracked and broken as well. I want to thank you for all the kind words, thoughts, prayers and hugs from afar.
Second I would like to thank our amazing friends and family. That came to sit with us, cry with us and laugh with us when we don't feel like laughing. I have felt true love from many of my close and distant family members and friends. People I haven't seen in a long time and people I see every day. It is a small community, but with jobs and other everyday life, we drift apart and get caught up in what life is. It saddens me that we only come together at holidays and tragedies, I wish I could feel the amount of love I felt when we were all crammed into one house, everyday.
Third I would like to thank God, for being with all of us affected. I would still like to send an online prayer that you look over my mother and Georges family a few provinces away.

Some may ask why put God third? I have been struggling inside alot with my inner religion and at a time like this it is very hard to understand God's choices and decisions. I know I shouldn't be angry with him but I am. I am angry at many things right now. I remember to thank God and included him because I know everything happens for a reason, that it's all I know. Right now I have so many questions for God I could sit down and interrogate him for all the pain my mother is feeling. So yes how I feel right now, God is third.

It is now 1:30am and the rcmp officer just left our house. There wasn't much he could tell us or anything like that, he came to find out if there were any people we needed help contacting, but we have done the bulk of that ourselves. It was nice to sit with him and talk, even laugh. Most encounters with officers are tense and awkward, but this was friendly and comforting. ( I had to stop writing this post to speak to the police so times could be messed up a bit)

At the beginning of the night, when I first got the call about my mother's love, I thought, "Oh okay, he's fallen over and they've picked him out of the water and they'll sail in and have to take him to the hospital to check him over." With in minutes, those thoughts were hopes and grasps of wishes.

We just got our last call from the Search and Rescue, they have called off the search at 1:47am. I've had to watch my mothers heart break before my eyes. Not physically, but the pain on her face creates a mental picture I will never erase. As I listen to her cry in her room I can't help but wish I could take all her pain away. That I was a sponge that absorbed all sadness, I would rather feel it myself then to see her this way and hear her this way.

I am sad, but I am angry. I am heart broken that my mother has to have the agony of this inside her heart. After finally finding happiness again, she could only enjoy it for a short time before having it stolen from her. I am angry at God and do not understand his "plan" I know I will forgive him and have in ways already, but I am still angry. Like when someone wrongs you, and you forgive them, but you don't forget what they did. I feel my mother has been wronged.

I am angry at the greediness of our world. That these men risk their lives to make a living for their families and put food on our tables and other peoples tables, and people think they make large amounts of money, some do, but not average. The money hungry, top of the pyramid "buyers" make me sick. I feel like my mother's love died for $2.75 - 3.25 a pound. To me that doesn't amount to his life. He loved fishing, but just because he loved it, doesn't make it right that he lost his life for so little. I feel cheated. I feel like making the money hungry "buyers" go fishing on a small boat in the fall. Then ask them what they think they should be paid at the end of the day, or better yet a season.

Tonight, I was even angry at the snow. I hadn't seen much snow until tonight and I wanted the first time I stood outside in the snow to be a happy day. This was not a happy day. As I stood on my doorstep, after gathering my things to stay with my mother, I watched the snow slowly and softly fall from the sky. When tragic things happen and it rains, as I child I believe that God was crying. As I stood, I wondered, "what was snow? ... frozen tears for a fisherman lost in the cold sea? or was God trying to show me some beauty to the world that he had just flipped upside down for my family?" I didn't really care either way. I am angry and sad. It really doesn't matter.
I started to focus on single flakes falling and as I grew more angry, it seemed the snow fell faster. I wanted to lay out on my lawn and let it bury me. I wanted escape, I wanted denial.
To be honest, I lost hope very fast tonight. I knew what the outcome would be and accepted it long before I should have. They save have hope, be positive. I've never been a optimist, nor a pessimist, I'm a realist and I knew the odds. It was just the waiting game, for the search to end. I am forever thankful for those who searched for a body, for the closure for my mother and the rest of Georges family. But me, I don't need a body, but understand why others do. I realized that back in feb when I heard a dear friend from across the globe had drown. I didn't want them to find the body - they did and I'm happy they did for his family - but I would rather have believe he wasn't gone. That he had jumped aboard a ship and sailed to far off places and that someday, some where in the strangest and most random of places, I would catch a glimpse of his face and smile.
It isn't this way with George, but I still don't need a body to know the fate. It was more of a mystery with my friend, maybe because it was a different location, closer to shore, but in the middle of the bay, 2hr sail from shore. There is no swimming to land and taking off on grand adventures.

It is 2:08am and the house is silent. My mother is quiet, either sleeping or lying awake starring into a happier that once was her life. But the house is silent, except the clicking of my keys as I write this post. I think I hear my dog licking his puppy parts, but mostly it's quiet. I could probably ramble longer, but I think this post has done it's job. I have clearly thought my thoughts and written them to justify my feelings. I may never look at it again or I could daily for weeks, but I did it for release. I'm alone in the post and feel weight off my shoulders each sentence typed.

Usually I would sign "Stay Happy" but I am unable to in this dark time. Instead I will leave you with...



Thank you.

Life's Complications and The Christmas Buzz

My last post was on Dec 2, which I find hard to believe. The past couple of weeks have pasted so crazily and fast, yet parts have past sluggishly slow. I haven't been posting much, because it's close to Christmas and to find the time between work, trip away, wrapping, and everything else is hard. Yet I find myself with all kinds of time to do nothing, so maybe it's lack of motivation to do anything but work or the fact that I've been wanting to ignore the part of my life that isn't work.

Tara has started working at the club and it's definitely
made work life easier and more fun :) 

Things have been hard lately and my escape has been those smiling, crazy faces at work. Coloring stockings full or toys and making elf versions of the kids, cuddling at nap time and working on counting to ten have been my "get-a-way from my life" distractions. I haven't wanted to face the mess that is my relationship with myself and the relationship with my boyfriend, and when a time comes when I realize what I've been trying to avoid, I shake it away in a state of denial. So as of the past couple of days I have been working my way out of this illusion and facing the problems that I am having. I have been running away from them inside myself, because someone I love has let me down and hurt me so bad, but worse I have let myself down and hurt myself.

I've really gone backwards with my weight. I am so angry at myself for gaining it all back after losing so much. So now I've got to pick my-(heavier)-self back up and make a stand against food - junk food and it's control over me. I've been so overwhelmed by life that it's been a comfort and a demon for the past few months. I hate it and it's tastiness. The one thing that annoys me most about having food addictions is that you can't cut it out completely! You have to learn to control it, because you still need it to live. I have to start looking at food as just something I need to survive rather than a pleasure and a "treat." I need air too, but I don't sit and suck it all in like the world's gonna run out of it, like I do with sugary goodness -.-' And it wouldn't kill be to jump on a tread mill once a day instead of hopping on the couch and pinning home decor ideas like I have the money to actually buy decorations and paint. Point is I haven't been that good to myself either, it's not all Justin that has done the damage. 

Justin and I have always had our problems and always will, but there are times that things get so rough between us, that we both question if we are meant to stick together or simply let go of it all. We can make ourselves so miserable and broken, that it's hard to remember anything good between us. I have a hard time deciding between the theories that we are repeating the past because we are scared of something brighter, better, different or never finding anyone else OR that we are being tested, that these hard times are just hurtles that we have to climb over in order to get to the "good life." It's so very hard and confusing to try and settled on whether to be together or separate for good. Sometimes I feel like we are each others worst enemies and we are purposely hurting each other, which is way sometimes I feel we shouldn't be together, yet we still love each other enough to put up with it all. It's MY choice that I'm still here, no one is holding a gun to my head to make me stay, I stay for many reason and some don't make a bit of sense to people outside the relationship. That's why I don't talk to people about us, because in the end it's only something one or both of us can decide. 

I believe in working on something until you know that you can't anymore. I push myself to limits I didn't know I had. I've had almost every bit of trust for people stripped from me these past couple of months, which I didn't believe would ever be possible because I always trusted everyone and now I avoid people because I'm worried of how they are capable to hurt me or let me down. Justin isn't a bad person, even if he's made mistakes that have caused damage to my trust, I don't blame him completely for it. We are human and we make mistakes. We get involved in something to the point of obsession and it can swallow us whole. In his case it was alcohol and he did everything to hide it from me, the lying and sneaking I know was to protect his habit, but I also know it was to hide his shame and shelter me from the hurt he knew I would feel. But I found out, I know him better than he knows himself, or that how I felt before. Now I am aware of what he's capable of hiding right infront of me and my confidence in my ability to read him has greatly diminished. 

I've made my fair share of mistakes. Most of them with reason to push myself again to limits I didn't know I could, for the experience and to know that I am capable of living through shame and being able to rebuild myself. People look at my past and laugh, because to most people who I was then and what I did, was a big joke. I find it quite humous and pathetic as well, but it was also a turning point in my life. I needed all those experiences pathetic and shameful, to make me who I am now. I knew that then and I am grateful for it now. I knew when to stop and I did it. Justin doesn't understand how I was able to, because he struggles with addictive traits and because of how he feels and thinks, he believes that I CAN'T just stop, that I still want that life I had. This is where he doesn't trust me. We are so different this way. I don't understand why he can't just...stop drinking and lying and sneaking. It hurts me, so why can't he just stop. Am I not more important than alcohol? does he not love me enough? These are questions that I have spin through my mind all the time, but I have to pull myself out of that tornado of questions and remember, he's an addict. Yes I have my struggles, and I have my addictions too (food...) but when I am faces with ultimatums or when I know I have to make a change for the better, I'm usually quite good at it. I stopped my partying, which involved many things that I am definitely not proud of, they are shameful and I hide parts of it from people I love because I don't want them to think differently of me. I know why I did those things, but other people have trouble understanding it. Point is, when it came down to what I wanted more, a life with a love, responsibility, work, kids (at work not my own), money, a house and more versus all-nighters, half gallons, drugs, dirty sex, fake friends and alot of confusion that I had to handle on my own. The choice was easy and I stopped. Sometimes it wasn't easy, I missed people who I still wonder if they miss me, I craved things and stayed up late remembering the fun and stupid of it all. But when I got into that life I gave myself a year and a year was enough. I wouldn't take back one part, one shameful part of that year, because I wouldn't know where I went wrong if it hadn't happened. I wouldn't know who I really am. I'm proud I was able to keep it to a year, not many young adults that get into that scene can just walk away like they planned it. 

The past haunts us and it stirs up hard feelings. Justin and I need to learn to focus on the future and work hard towards that mental picture we have of it. Something happens and we get set back because dust gets lifts from the memories that are in our backgrounds, things get yelled, words get said and they sting. It's not letting the relationship get infected by the past that will help heal it. 

On a lighter note here is some cuteness from work :) 

concentrating on her crafting 

Lib working on her reindeer ornament at the public library

snapped this one after he just woke up from his nap, bed head for sure :P 

giving santa a nice fluffy beard

pre-fluff

this girl can't get any cuter. she loves her crispies and is always rockin' a beard with them

the next world wide explorer

his "smile" face. family photos are gonna be interesting for this guy :P

Noah trying to blow up and blown up balloon

Again deep in concentration, such a good colorer for not even 2 years old. I'll have this girl writing her name in a few months ;) 

found Bryce munching on some stolen crackers in the hall while waiting for dad to pick him up from daycare, guess this was a
good enough supper so he thought :P

I need to keep up with this blog, not because I feel like anyone is reading but because when I write it puts the mess that are my thoughts into order, they make better since when I can see them all in one organized manner. And if people do read and happen to relate, that's a plus. Or if they just come to scan through and look at the adorable photos of my babes at work, then all the power to them because I love looking at their cute little faces too.


Stay Happy and remember when you fall off the wagon and it backs over your a couple times or someone knocks you off a balcony 30 stories high, that emotionally you can pick yourself up from it. Don't let the pain that you or others have caused you keep you from moving forward with your life :)

When Life Gives You Lemons, Say I Like Watermelon Better

Life has really been kicking me in the ass lately. I'm trying not to complain too much about it, because some pretty good things have been happening too. There are always three ways to look at things - positively, negatively and obliviously. I am trying to keep positive, but sometimes that can be really hard to do.

The past couple of days I've actually been in a pretty good mindset. Thursday I started staying at my house alone (I will get to why after) and spent some "me" time on getting some things ready for work and catching up on tv shows. Friday I put my tree in and decorated it, while also having it fall on top of me in the process. It really did look beautiful after it was completed. Saturday I woke up and got ready to head of to the annual Christmas Market that is held in our community every year, I spent alittle cash and headed home with a bag full of goodies. Once I arrived back home, I got this fantastic urge to clean. I re-arranged my pantry and cupboards, cleaned my kitchen, porch and laundry room. It didn't take me long and I felt awesome about what I had accomplished, I hadn't cleaned that much since I had moved in. 

Living alone has really made me not only bored, but it has seemed to free up some of my time. Instead of always cuddling on the couch watching tv shows, I'm wandering around the house looking for something to do. 

Now about why I am living alone. It's not something that I want to elaborate on too much, but most people know that Justin and I have our fair share of problems in our relationship, but we also have our own individual problems and issues. He is manic depressive and suffers from anxiety with a touch of bi-polar and I'm OCD with depression and weight issues. But we want to be together and we fight for and work together or try to atleast. Justin has an addictive personality and I have a high novelty seeking personality. So I am always searching for a change or something new when he is stuck on one thing. So he's gotten himself into a bit of a mess with alcohol and it's really become too much for me to help him control. I have a bad temper and because I don't understand why he can't just "stop" we always end up fighting and when he's been drinking, his temper isn't that great either. He's moved back to his parents so that he can hopefully get past this problem and we can eventually go back to living together. But with alcohol came the sneaking and the lying, which is something that I hate the most. I HATE lying and although I do it on occasion because I am not perfect, my guilt will eat me alive about it. But most of the time I just don't understand it, if a friend asks me to lie to someone for them, most of the time it ends up hilarious because I can't wrath my head around the reason someone would want to lie and then I can't come up with anything that would make sense to say. That's beside the point though, because of how many lies have been in our relationship lately, my trust is just about gone and it really hurts me to say that. I used to be such a trusting person and now I barely trust anyone. 

I stayed with my mother last night because of a life changing event for her, she got her very first computer...and I had to teach her how to use it. Although training has just begun, she does have an email, facebook and pinterest account and can work all those herself. So day one of training went well. I stayed tonight because today was a very "blah" day, I slept most of it and when I went home my beautiful christmas tree had fallen down and a bunch of ornaments were broken and I just was too aggravated to be home, so I locked up and came back down to my mothers after standing up and tying the tree off. Atleast I get to go through the fun of re-decorating my tree. 

Some good things that I've got going right now other than having my house clean and teaching my mother the ways of the "current world" I am working on a new project for work. As an educator in a daycare, we have to document what the infants and children do and learn, how they live their lives at daycare. It's my favorite thing about work, because I get to use my photography and photoshop skills at my job, which I didn't think I would get to use much, but I bring quite a bit to the table when it comes to documenting. Right now I am working on video documenting, when I quit art school to move back to my hometown I was learning about video. I had been really excited about it until the worst of my depression had hit and I stopped going to school or even getting out of bed. So I'm starting to teach myself and working on a few projects. The BG Club has video equipment, so maybe as I learn more I can start using some of their tools later on. 

My biggest news of all and probably the reason that I haven't given up after all this alcohol craziness (which by the way has made me hate booze and I have been sober myself since August, whoop whoop go me!) is TomTom. TomTom is a cerebellar hypoplasia kitten. A litter of kittens that the St. Stephen SPCA took in were affected by the disorder. Most of the kittens are mildly affected with very little displays of the condition, two of the kittens are moderately affected, TomTom being the most affected. What is Cerebellar Hypoplasia? They also call it drunken sailor or wobbler kitten, it affects the cerebellum in the developing stages in the womb. Sometimes if a pregnant cat is vaccinated during her pregnancy it can cause this disorder in her kittens, or if the cerebellum is damaged somehow during a kittens term in the womb. The kittens motor skills are affected and some kittens may have only mild tremors, moderate walking troubles or some kittens can have CH so severely that they will never walk. The one thing to remember about these kitties is that they are in no pain and don't realize they are any different from their fellow cats. Sure they do feel it when they bump into the wall or fall, but I don't have CH and I probably have more bruises and cuts than this kitten. 

I didn't plan on adoption another cat for a couple of years. I just took in a kitten from a local family and she was infested with fleas, so after cleaning her up and getting her back to a healthy kitten state. I said no more cats. Then I read about TomTom and it touched my heart in a way I can't explain, maybe it's because I've worked with special needs kids or on some level believe I'm kinda "special" myself. But I just had a feeling that TomTom was for me. I emailed right away, but felt the need to make sure that TomTom was adopted by me that I called the SPCA, you know I am serious about something when I pick up the phone and actually speak to someone. I HATE phone calls. So after waiting for paperwork to go through and cheques to be received they finally told me a week later that TomTom will be mine :) 

I was so speechless and excited when I found out. Yes my house is full of animals, yes I like it and no I don't care that you think I shouldn't have four cats, a dog and a giant bunny, but I do and I love them all more than I like most people. These days I have become a home body and keep to myself alot, those four cats, a dog and a giant bunny are my family. We share a 3bdrm house and although they don't pitch in on chores, I don't mind cleaning up after them, cause I love them. 

Here is a photo (right) and a video of TomTom. I am not sure what I am going to name him once he moves in, so I am just calling him what his name is at the shelter, I don't mind TomTom and maybe it will even stay that, but I want to meet him first before I decide on a name. For more information about CH cats visit HERE.

So far he has been able to take 10 steps without falling over, hopefully with practice and muscle development he will walk alittle farther as her grows. If he doesn't thats okay too, we'll love him anyway :)

Stay Happy! <3 and don't be afraid to adopt an animal with special needs, read up about there care and understand what they are dealing with, don't go over your head either! But animals with special needs deserve loving homes too :)

When You Think You've Tried Your Hardest - You Try Harder

First off, I feel like I haven't been to work in ages, I've had this insane flu mess - like I haven't been that sick since I was a child. And on top of being out of work from the flu, we had a long weekend, due to short staff and remembrance day. I am missing my babies a whole bunch right now and I can't wait to see them in the morning. I also had a great surprise when my best friend/little sister sent me a message saying "take your sister to work day tomorrow?" it was the best text I got all day. After this extra stressful weekend, I need some time with my girl.

Like I said my weekend was stressful, things have been rocky between Justin and I. We came very close to calling it quits, but I am so committed to that guy it scares me. I really suck at commitments, but not this one. Some people question why we are together if we have so many issues, but it's all about the love. I want him, despite our issues, issues can be worked out, some take more time than others, but we're make it through. We choose to be together, we want to be together. I don't believe in soul mates, I believe in love and hard work. I'm very old fashioned when it comes to relationships and I think so many people give up too easily these days. Don't get me wrong, I'm not telling people how to live their lives or that it's wrong to break up. Some people need to due to certain circumstances, but I think alot of relationships could be saved if people were willing to work harder at them. 

I'm not married to Justin, yet anyway, but I still say for better or worse, he's not the only one with issues and just because this is his time for help doesn't mean I'm not going to be a strain on the relationship down the road, I'd like to believe that he would stick by me when I needed it the most. People have faults and they make mistakes, but it's forgiving and working at things that make a relationship last. I know I'll make my share of mistakes in the relationship so basically I don't want him to leave me behind, so why should I leave him behind and give up? Treat others the way you want to be treated. 

This isn't going to be the long post that I had planned, because I'm not going to go into the crazy details of the problems in our relationship like I thought. I decided to focus more on our determination to beat the odds of the average couple these days. I want to be like my grand parents, I want to actually reach a crazy anniversary of 60 years together, instead of getting married and divorcing after 2 - 6 years. 

Neither of us are easy to live with. I was an only child, everything is "mine", it has to me "this way", I'm anal and ocd about so many things, I'm a woman so I do get tired and cranky, I'm bossy and loud, I have weight issues, depression, insomnia and so much more. So it isn't just him, maybe I do drive him to drink, but he could do that to me too. I believe in being sober these days. I want my kids (see my...haha I mean our) kids to grow up with a father that doesn't need a glass every night. There was a time when I loved drinking and partying, but I made a crazy time in my life, just so I would have it to look back on, a learning experience and it was short lived. I don't have an addictive personality like he does, except food...but food is something you can't just give up like cigs and beer, you NEED food, so you can't give up that addiction, you have to learn to control it. 

My point being, I love Justin and I want to go all out with him. Sure we have big fights some times, but we get through it, we work and pull through it. That's the main thing. We need to work the big stuff out now, before we bring rings and then babies into the picture. 

Stay Happy and Stay Together :) 

when you think you've tried your hardest - try harder 

Where To Begin

I wish I could say that I have been keeping busy and not rolling around on the floor whining about waiting to get into my house, but really I've just been working and whining haha. I have been some what productive and packed some things up and met with my lawyer last night to sign the papers. This week has been kinda awful though because I haven't been sleeping, there has been a terrible mess going around at work and it's not even like a visible cold. It's something that eats away at the inside of you and just makes you feel DREADFUL, but people look at you and say "k stop acting like you feel shitty," cause they are coughing and sneezing. So yesterday I was extremely exhausted and on top of feeling crappy and dealing with personal issues I had to dish out a bucket full of cash to pay lawyer fees - shoulda become a lawyer now that I see how much I have to dish out on this side of things haha - BUT it's all going to be worth it come thursday!

Since this whole house buying thing started I haven't been able to concentrate on anything but that, so I really really really can't wait to get it over with and go back to normal life, just in my own house. Get organize and get my ass in gear. I have lots of projects that I want to start working on.

Some new things in my life have been,  I started working out with my BioDad/Aunt/Tonia, we went for a two hour walk on tuesday it was pretty great, we were supposed to do it again but I haven't really been feeling that great so we went for a smaller walk on wednesday and then work and exhaustion took over. We are starting a weight loss plan with another friend from work, just so we have someone else to answer to and weigh us in because we can talk each other out of anything. "oh we can go for a walk tomorrow,""a bag of chips never hurt anyone," "well we fell off the wagon already this week, so we'll start over again next monday," and so on! We weigh in at 11:00 and I am DREADING it, only because I know that I cheated myself and gained my weight back that I lost at the first of the year. I'm really hoping that working with her will keep me on track and she'll have great tips about eating right and she's VERY encouraging and understanding!

I also put my name down for a volunteer program, what we called in school "toast cart," so I will be dealing out the toast instead of getting breakfast from it haha. I'm alittle nervous, I start it in october and its only a couple of days a month. The reason I started was because my grandmother does it and I thought it would be a nice thing we could do together and because the boys and girls club does up the schedule I asked to be put on her days :) And even though it will mean earlier mornings those days, I live next door to the school so I can just hop on over real quick before work!

Once I get into the house and get alittle settled I really want to start re-using and re-creating items, so I've been online yard-saling and buying up some things that I want to work on. So I can't wait to start posting about that. I feel so horrible for not blogging much these past coupel of weeks because work has been crazy and buying a house really made me go alittle nuts and I didn't want to do anything my pin because I was so excited. Now that it's actually a few days away I've calmed down and really just want the 5 days to pass by.

The nursery has been pretty great, I'm learning alot and catching on to things, but because I grew up an only child I have to say the past few weeks have been over whelming for sure! So my mother switched my jobs this morning so that I was able to hang out with my older kids and she looked after the babies. I'm so thankful that we can do that on days when things are just too much for one of us, I really miss my "big kids" and it helps when I'm having a bad day cause they really make my day. They all told me that they want to come visit me at my house and I said they REALLY have to come trick-or-treating at my house this year!!

This weekend it's giving alot of rain and I was hoping to get a photo shoot done to pass some of the time, but by the report I won't be able to, still keeping my fingers crossed though. SO if I don't get to do a shoot, I will get another post up on idea's I have for my master bedroom!! I'm so excited, but really unsure of what to do about it!

Stay Happy!!!

Confusion

Sometimes life can be a huge bitch. In one part of your life she's throwing you awesome things and in another she's making you feel like a bag of shit. And you have to do something about it, but you don't know what. That is how I feel like now, I'm not really ready to talk about the actual subjects, because I don't know which way to go about things. I just know in one part of my life I'm haven't been feeling very happy, in a couple actually. I've always pushed myself to be happy, but sometimes you have to struggle through parts of your life and handle the pain before you can get happy. I'm trying to decide whether this struggle is worth it and if it's ever going to change.

I know that I haven't been blogging alot, it's because I've been busy with work and trying to figure things out. I had to blog tonight because it keeps my mind off crying and I've been doing alot of crying lately. And with my depression issues, I just really hate realizing how much I've been crying, when looking back 4 months ago and I was extremely happy.

I keep pushing myself forward in life in hopes that things will get better and really isn't it how it works? You just keep moving and eventually things get better? But aren't there those people that keep pushing and moving and nothing ever changes for them? I'm afraid of being one of those people. It's not that I'm afraid of changing, I'm just afraid of not trying hard enough or making a wrong decision or not giving something a chance.

I'm feeling really low about life right now. I can't even feel happy about my house and that I only have two weeks, because these two weeks have been hell, so I can't look forward to the next ones being much better.

Try and stay happy, I know I'm trying.

The High Road

this really was just too perfect for the way I felt today

I know each of you can relate when I say that I am so angry with someone that I can feel it in my arms, like my blood is actually heated and there is so much pressure inside my chest that it makes me feel I could let out this fury and destroy everything in my path. The hard part is controlling it and holding back from tackling those bitches that just piss you off beyond words.

Someones been pushing and pushing and pushing their way into my life. I mean they've been pretty harmless for the longest time, just pretty annoying, but I'm a tolerant person. But they've stepped over a line and I'm beyond annoyed and done being tolerant and ignoring things or playing nice.

The funny thing is that I'm not even disappointed most in the main person that's causing the trouble, its the others that tagged along. I've been friends with one of them, another is family and another was an acquaintance that I thought was misunderstood and always went out of my way to defend them when anyone said unkind words when they weren't around. It's these people that have made my anger go beyond limits. I mean I expected all of this drama and nonsense of the centre of all this, they'll pushy, loud-mouthed, annoying, cocky (totally different than confident) and just a plain bully. People are who they are and you can't expect anything more from them. So when I heard who had been in on this, it was them that I wasn't expecting and it's them that I have lost all respect for, because to be honest I thought they were all above this whole situation and being accomplices to it just totally blew my mind.

So I'm trying to take the high road and put it behind me and forgive them and move on, because to be honest they aren't worth the time fussing over it and thinking of nice ways to make their lives miserable. That's not me and if I did anything to them, I would be at the exact same low level as them. So to relieve my stress I blogged about it instead.

Again my blog posts are posted for myself, I started it when I was recovering from a depression and I find it much more therapeutic than a journal that I can never keep on track with. So if somehow my posts help someone I'm glad, but mostly I post just to get things out of my head.

Try to Stay Happy!!

Trials and Tribulations

Geez, where do I even begin. Yesterday was just one of those days where everything seems impossible for the future and what was the present was crashing down around me. Note that things weren't very good for me on the inside because I had missed a depression med and started my period of the same day.

I've been trying to build up a realistic dream of what I want for the next year or so and I thought I had figured it out. I was planning on building a studio and mini apartment/reallybigbedroom onto my mothers place, because currently I just live is what was the "den" on the first level and for a couple to live in it there isn't much privacy. But it just seems that the more I look into it the more it's going on cost and I really don't want to spend that large amount of money on something that I just want to be temporary. I'm a very impatient person, so I am one of those girls that's always been in a rush to grow up, now that I'm here it's stressful but I like it, but I'm still wanting my life to progress further. I want to get my business going, a house built, a family started and I just don't know how to go about it.
Basically my options right now are 1. spend like 75000 and build on to my mothers house and try to live there until I pay it off...which isn't even really an option for me right now.  2. spend like triple that on buying land and building a starter home and 3. buying a house that stands and trying to make what I want out of it, which is looking like what I may have to do and go back to my land plan later. And oh yeah, I'm broke. I do have a full time job secured, but it's been set back after set back trying to get the nursery running. It's so depressing and hard to plan something that is so expensive when you have like the smallest percentage of what you need to get going.

So please if you're an islander and have some spare land or cash lying around, I'm not below charity at this point haha.

Back to yesterday, I was feeling very quite and just wanted to be left alone to mope about my lack of funds. I decided that I would read a book because I was getting quite excited for my birthday gift to arrive. My lovely boyfriend went all out and bought me the new nexus 7 tablet :) because I wanted alittle more than an ereader. I started to read a book that I had wanted to get at for a while and I'm alittle over half way through.

To make my day better, but lovely boyfriend came home and the drama begun, being a young couple with history and trying to work through the past while starting a future, I'm not ashamed to say we fight. We're both dramatic people and each of us have our own special communication problems. I'm loud and get upset easy and he tends to only hear what he wants and likes to exaggerate. So we piss each other off and make the fight bigger haha, but the good thing is we always sit down talk it through and move on from it.
The thing that I've learned the most from our 3yr previous relationship, 1yr break and now our new 5 month relationship is that I seriously love the guy. Even though we drive eachother mad sometimes or pis each other off and do things that we shouldn't, at the end of the day we're mad about each other and go to bed happy. I'm a big believer in never going to bed mad at each other, so I always make sure we talk things out no matter how late we have to stay up, I just can't lie next to someone that I'm angry at.

Yesterday wasn't all bad, things that cheered me up were that I'm doing pretty great at not chewing my nails. They actually look pretty nice, but how long that lasts I have no idea. I've done this before and chewed them after a couple months, but I going to try EXTRA hard not to this time.
I spent a few hours with my Dad and stepmom, we had lunch together and I also got to order my birthday present from Justin :) Yes I am one of those people that likes to pick out their own gifts - I'll probably blog about this control freak problem around christmas. The main reason I got this was because I wanted an ereader, but I kinda wanted alittle more than just an ereader, so I did some research and read alot of reviews and I think that I found what I want for the price we could afford.

 I'm so excited to get it!!! Thanks babe <3

A few other things were able to cheer me up yesterday and remind me that life's still good. I kept checking my phone and looking a a photo of me and one the cutest, sweetest little boys I know. I worked all day friday so I got to spend most of the day playing with him, his twin brother, older sister and all the other kids. Those little people are the best thing to cheer up a girl :) Here are some photos of the kids and things that I have been working on over the past week or so.

He can cheer me up no matter what's making me sad!! 

Last week mom and I tacked the jean quilt she'd been working on for
ages! 

Tinka wasn't that great a help, but she sure is the cutest :) 

Calli didn't want to reading yesterday, she actually hasn't left me alone
for the past two days... oh and she's allergic to Tinka's food and
over-grooms herself that's why she has a sore on her back :(
I'm going to try and construct a fabric collar to stop her licking.

This man always puts a smile on my face! 

Last weekend my friend Lisa came down with Jo to visit :) 

We went to see the alpaca's at Darren's house! (link to their cottage site
at the end!)

They have mini sheep too! 

All adorable animals!! 

I watched the rotary fireworks from the sea this year :)

The reflections on the water made it even more lovely! 

Friday at work Libby did and awesome job coloring her lighthouse!

All the kids love my iphone, but Sabe definitely loved taking selfportraits! 

Me and Lib :) 

 I've been meaning to make more posts or more frequent ones, but my life seems to be upside down half the time these days. But I'll try to do my best this week, I always think of good blog posts when I'm not in the blogging mood haha

Here's the link to the Darren's summer chalet :)

Stay Happy!!!