They Say You're Better Off Alone

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like your head is so full and overwhelmed, but you don't even know by what?

I went to bed last night hoping to wake up refreshed in the morning, but all the happened was trouble falling asleep and I woke up not wanting to move. I just had a feeling it wasn't going to be my day. Maybe I made it that way by thinking it, but my mother came to my house to help me get me "office" in order. It hasn't been in order since the day I moved into my house, it's basically been a junk room. The whole time she was trying to help me I couldn't concentrate on anything, one where to put this and that or what to keep and through out and I just didn't want to have any part of it. So we did the bare minimum because clearly it just wasn't the day to work on it. We did get quite a lot accomplished, but not what I had hoped for. 

I grew hungry so went to the kitchen and grabbed a salad and some carrots, sat down on the couch and didn't move from there all afternoon. I felt so lonely and sad, yet didn't want anyone near me. I laid there and flicked through netflix until I turned it off, I stared at the ceiling, wishing today and tomorrow away. I wanted to go back to work, to have some sort of foundation under my feet. I hate having all this time on my hands to think. I went through a rough depression last winter and today I felt the way I did when that began. 

I hated where my life was last winter. I lived somewhere I didn't want to live, I didn't want to be in school, I was doing things that I wanted to be okay, but on the inside I wasn't. I just overall didn't like who I was. And not that I'm that person anymore, but I've hit a crossroads where I am faced with the option to be that person again. For some reason I'm tempted to and I thinks that's the part that bothers me most, the fact that I've even considered being who I used to be after taking all the time to get my act together. Maybe there's a happy medium, but I'm not sure I could find it, so I don't want to take the risk to find out. I know I've learned from that and wouldn't give up what I have now, which is really the only thing that matters. It just shocks you to know where you'll mind will wonder to when you're unhappy. 

After laying there awhile my mother called me. Asking if I was okay and how I was feeling, she knew I had been alittle down earlier in the day. She told me "You know you've suffered a loss too. Not just George, but Justin as well." With everything that had been happening after the accident, the constant stream of people coming in and out, trying to have any tiny bit of a normal Christmas, my breakup pushed back, because I had other things to grieve. At the time it was more of a relief than anything. He was making my life - and my mothers - harder than it needed to be so it just seemed like there was no reason to be sad, all I felt was anger towards him and glad that he was gone. 

Today when my mother referred to him as a "loss," it hit me differently. I realized that even though I was happy to be rid of the guy that he had become, I could feel sad that I had lost my bestfriend, who he used to be. That it was okay that I've been hating the fact that I'm alone now, that it's okay to cry about the loss of a future I once thought I had with him. I bought this house when we were together, and made plans with him, now I sit in this house and wonder "what the fuck am I going to do now?" I love this house and wouldn't give it up for the world, but now it's like I'm afraid to move ahead alone. 

If anyone knows me well they know that I hate to be alone. Yes, I have times when I don't want anyone near me and will bite your head off because any sound made annoys me, but one of my biggest fears is to be alone. Sitting here in the dark, listening to the little noises makes me sad, lonely and afraid. I would rather have my house filled with chaos then to spend days by myself. I know I need to be alone right now, I need to find strength to be alone. I did it once and I will do it again. But theres always that fear in the back of my mind that I will be alone forever. This fear isn't because I'm hard on myself or don't find myself pretty enough or because I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. I'm scared of being alone because sometimes I find it so hard to live with myself that it scares me into thinking "Who the hell would want to spend forever with me? who wants to make that kind of commitment?" Or I'm afraid of other people, I don't trust people at all right now (which is again in my own head so really it all comes back to me being the issue and not allowing myself to trust someone) No one needs to be punished for what someone else did to me. 

Some say you're better off alone. 

I'm afraid of becoming one of those people. I'm afraid of becoming someone who is scared of NOT being alone, that is scared to care or love someone else, trust someone else. Because I know that being alone keeps you from getting hurt and I completely understand that right now, but when I look at what I want my future to be, I don't want it to be just me in my house.  I want there to be someone else, with little someone else's running around. People need love, and even if we avoid it sometimes for the sake of protecting ourselves and not wanting to admit that we need it, we still do. Maybe I'm not ready to set myself up for any more pain right now, but I know I'm always going to be willing to take another risk. Even if it means ending up feeling like this again and back at square one. Nothing last forever and change is constant, so maybe I just have to accept that I'll love more than one person and there'll be more heart breaks, but I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up because I know for a fact that I won't be happy alone. Might as well risk it to be happy even if it's not forever. 

Stay Happy.

The Test

Life sure has a way of throwing shit at us all at once.

Let me just say that first off this Christmas did not feel like Christmas, no cheer, no energy, no joy, but there came was some understanding. Not to the questions that we wanted answered, like why, but understanding that we will never know, understanding of the past month, and understanding of some itty bitty ounce of good that came from a tragedy.

My Christmas was miserable because of the accident, a breakup and the common cold. I did hold myself together most of the time thinking of my mother and her loss, of all our loss and I'm proud that I got the courage to step out of a relationship that truly was unhealthy. I'm extremely proud of my Mother, she is my hero for having the strength to get out of bed in the morning, especially these past couple of days and more the fact that they were holidays meant to be happy. I could go on and on about how proud I am of my mother and that she is my mother, so to sum it up she's just plain amazing and I will be here for her for the rest of her life.

I am over my anger of what happened, it didn't last long and if anything my faith has been strengthened and I've noticed alot of spiritual moments over the past week.

As for my break-up I need to do a little venting.

As much as I want to bash him and say all the awful things that I have been thinking these past couple of days. I doubted how much longer I would be able to put off leaving, I knew it was coming but the holidays, denial and hope were keeping me from just doing it. Finding out some news of how much it upset George that I was in such an unhealthy relationship and how much it upset him that I put up with being treated poorly, mixed with some recent lines being crossed just sent me over the edge with anger and I got fed up. It was the last straw. I think that the anger has 

masked much of my emotions of suddenly being single again, I know that I am upset. I loved Justin, still do because those feelings just don't go away, but he isn't the guy that I fell inlove with anymore and I had to come to terms that I can't make him who he used to be, he has to and I can't fix him. We were both miserable, I can be very hard to live with as well, we all have our faults. I would like to say that his may be worse, but he is sick. Being an alcoholic isn't something that he can just give up over night. But the mental abuse and lying that came with it stripped me of my trust, the stealing and hiding and sneaking combined with the recent pain he had caused made me realize there would be no way that he could regain that trust needed to have a healthy relationship. I would always be wondering, even if I gave him some trust, it wouldn't all be there, it would always be whispering in the back of my head. So neither of us deserved that. He can hate me, bash me, forget me and more. I'm going to try my best to take the high road, not the usual high road of "i'm bigger than you, I'm pretending that I don't care what you do or what you say" road, I'm taking the "i'm going to mourn the loss of our relationship, cry to myself in order to move on, not go on a slut binge, do what's best for me and get healthy" high road. There will be moments when he'll hurt me and maybe that's what he is setting out to do, but this time I can't let it control me, I have to take a deep breath, remember that I deserve so much more even if that means a single life for awhile and turn my head, maybe even think of something awesome and new in my life and smile about that. 

We could have been something great, if we were both the same people we used to be, the people that planned out an awesome little hobby farm and cute little family, but there wasn't half gallons in hiding places or fights over old fights from years ago in those plans. Somewhere along the way there was a mistake made that did a ripple affect to spoil our plans or maybe it was fate, a lesson to learn. Who knows, life is a mystery and time isn't going to stop because of a break up. 

I'm going to be happy! For me, for him, because I do still care about him, even if he thinks I don't, I do wish him the best and hope that he can find happiness and love down the road. It'll be heard not to go running back to that relationship. It's what I have known for so long. We started dating 5 years ago, with last year spending 10 months apart and getting back together. He's the only relationship I've had, he's the only relationship I've known. 

This time I need to do something that I am so afraid of doing, be alone. Yes I've been single, but in the back of my head I always knew he'd be there when I wanted to come back. This time even if he is still there to go back to "I" have to do this on my own, do something different, and move on for good. No more peeking back and making sure he is still there, I really have to let go of the past and walk into my future. Make something better for myself. I have an awesome house, an amazing job, the building blocks of my own business, so now I need to work on getting healthy and organized and then down the road maybe some guy will come along that's worth giving a new relationship a shot. 

 I've still got some growing up to do, but don't we all? I know the things that I want, but it's the getting to it that's going to be the hard part, but I guess it all takes time and it never happens the way you plan it. Which is so hard for me because I like to have everything planned out the way I want.

I'm getting so tired that my eyes are beginning to cross and the words are all starting to blur together, so I'll finish up the post with saying that I am sad for the end of this relationship, its like giving up on a dream that we had mapped out and imagined for ourselves - see there's that thing I do... plan shit - but it needed to happen, so I will learn to love it and I could use the single time to myself. I have some pinterest projects I want to get done and ALOT of stuff to do at my house. Hopefully I will be able to post again in the next couple of days about getting back into living at my own house!

Stay Happy! or atleast work on being happy!