I've recently been spending some time at a local boys and girls club and I've been enjoying it completely! Today we had a lot of free play time, but we also went on a couple walks to collect things in the field that a bird would use to build a nest. We then sat down for craft time to build our own individual birds nests. We spent quite a bit of time playing on the playground and in the sand box. 2 - 5 year olds can definitely ware you out quickly, but it's been a blast despite the boogers, cries and "runners". Lets just say I recently moved a treadmill into my house, but I'm beginning to wonder when I'll ever have the extra energy to use it after chasing after escaped kids from the fenced in yard haha
While on our adventure to collect bird nest supplies, a little girl happened upon a worm. This was a major breakthrough and it immediately became the new coolest thing in the classroom. Her new found pet was always at her "side", wrapped in a kleenex. I dare say the poor thing didn't last too long on the playground, it was lost once, but eventually both "pieces" were recovered and placed back in the tissue.
For a girl that was always uninterested and some what intimidated by children, I sure have changed over the past year and hope to spend alot more times with these little cuties.
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
Friday, 27 April 2012
New Goals
I am really trying to grow up and start getting my life on a routine. I always feel like my daily life is in chaos, not that anything exciting or chaotic happens, but that I really have no plan for the day and I just wing it as I go along. For people that know me, know that I am a planner. I am always planning my life out, from events to projects at home, and my dream life even has a "plan." I am always so excited to do all the planning and researching, but then when things don't work out according to how I have "planned" them it seems like my life is in turmoil, but I've been trying to break myself of that dramatic habit. I also tried to break myself of the planning, but it seemed nothing good came from that and caused more stress than anything, so it's just the dramatic part of continuing on when I hit a snag in a plan that needs work.
I am a very artistic person, which as the stereotype suggest that I am not the most organized type. This is mostly true, but it's not that I have a problem getting organized, it's staying organized. I have a high novelty seeking personality, so keeping my attention on something for longer than the excitement of starting the project lasts, is a chore. I have been working on this alot lately, I have been trying to make myself keep my room clean and make my bed every morning and keep things in an order and place, instead of having things strewn about and a mess everywhere.
Getting my daily life organized. This is goal number one. I want to get myself into a routine, of getting up, working out, and going off to do the rest of my day. BUT I am not a morning person, I am a night hawk. My internal clock hates me, I am a chronic insomniac which is a nightly battle with me, but I have been doing quite well lately since I have been sharing my bed with my boyfriend. My insomnia is much worse when sleeping alone and it's a great comfort having another body in the bed.
Get a job, is task number two. I have never really worked in my life. I have had summer tourist jobs, but nothing that has ruled my life. So this is something that I am very nervous, but excited about. I have such a fear of failure that I need to fight that and just take a risk and jump into a job position. I have a couple things I am looking into and hopefully I come out alive. My excitement to learn new things is the biggest thing keeping me going on this one.
Lose more weight, I was doing so well a couple months ago and even though I haven't gained anything back, I'm also not making any progress. So I need to break out of this rut and do something different. I found myself a treadmill and hopefully I will be able to have it moved into the house next week. This also helps with my routine I want to get going by working out in the mornings.
Finish clearing the space for garden and chicken coop, I have so many things that I want to get done outside, but it's been soooo shitty and wet out that I haven't been able to move forward with that either, but I really need to get the yard ready for the garden, chicken coop, bunny pen and compost pile.
Finish preparing for wedding number one, I'll be photographing a wedding in may and I am totally excited about it. I love shooting weddings. Some photographers hate doing wedding photos because it's so much pressure. And as much as I hate stress, I really work great when I know there's alot counting on it. I like the rush and pace of photographing a wedding. I also have a couple others that I will be photography this summer/fall, so I can't wait to get photos up on my blogs. The upcoming photo season has got me quite excited.
Finish archiving, my macbook is in dire need of a good cleaning. So I have been setting up a digital archive of all the photos that I have taken in the past 2-3 years. Which is not a fast moving or exciting task. It's very monotonous and irritating job, but it needs to get done so there will be room for the photos to come. I also have to clean out my music library and other junk on my computer.
And lastly but not any bit least, buy a prom dress. I am going to be accompanying my cousin on the red carpet at grand march. He graduates this year and I couldn't be more proud of my bio-bro. I have no real brothers and sisters, but I am extremely close with my aunt and her boys. So I call them my biofam :) I am pretty excited to be walking the grand march again and it will definitely be interesting going with Jackson. We used to be sworn enemies, so when the family heard he choose me to walk with him it was a shock.
I am a very artistic person, which as the stereotype suggest that I am not the most organized type. This is mostly true, but it's not that I have a problem getting organized, it's staying organized. I have a high novelty seeking personality, so keeping my attention on something for longer than the excitement of starting the project lasts, is a chore. I have been working on this alot lately, I have been trying to make myself keep my room clean and make my bed every morning and keep things in an order and place, instead of having things strewn about and a mess everywhere.
 |
| I need do some printing to get myself organized like this |
Get a job, is task number two. I have never really worked in my life. I have had summer tourist jobs, but nothing that has ruled my life. So this is something that I am very nervous, but excited about. I have such a fear of failure that I need to fight that and just take a risk and jump into a job position. I have a couple things I am looking into and hopefully I come out alive. My excitement to learn new things is the biggest thing keeping me going on this one.
Lose more weight, I was doing so well a couple months ago and even though I haven't gained anything back, I'm also not making any progress. So I need to break out of this rut and do something different. I found myself a treadmill and hopefully I will be able to have it moved into the house next week. This also helps with my routine I want to get going by working out in the mornings.
 |
| this is about the same as what I would like to build |
Finish preparing for wedding number one, I'll be photographing a wedding in may and I am totally excited about it. I love shooting weddings. Some photographers hate doing wedding photos because it's so much pressure. And as much as I hate stress, I really work great when I know there's alot counting on it. I like the rush and pace of photographing a wedding. I also have a couple others that I will be photography this summer/fall, so I can't wait to get photos up on my blogs. The upcoming photo season has got me quite excited.
 |
| This is the dress that I am thinking of getting |
And lastly but not any bit least, buy a prom dress. I am going to be accompanying my cousin on the red carpet at grand march. He graduates this year and I couldn't be more proud of my bio-bro. I have no real brothers and sisters, but I am extremely close with my aunt and her boys. So I call them my biofam :) I am pretty excited to be walking the grand march again and it will definitely be interesting going with Jackson. We used to be sworn enemies, so when the family heard he choose me to walk with him it was a shock.
Thursday, 19 April 2012
It's Been Too Long
I know that there are like zero people waiting for me to post another entry, but I really have neglected my next post. There are soooo many different things that I could post about, so I am going to somewhat shorten them all and make one, probably large, post. And here is goes in order that excites me most.
For the first time in months I have been really happy. Those who are closest to me know the struggle I have been through since a little before Christmas. I've had depression in my life before, but nothing like the past several months. I was extremely depressed, not my normal bubbly happy self. I stopped going to school and hanging out with friends, I stopped leaving my house period. I avoided it as much as possible. I started sleeping, ALOT, not getting out of bed, waking up and going right back to sleep or pulling the covers over my head and watching tv episodes online. I started crying all the time, sometimes for no reason, I would cry when I woke up, in the shower, while doing my hair, and on the phone to my mother. It was very hard for me to see myself like that and I wanted to do whatever it took to make myself right again. I was under alot of stress inside myself and I was growing very sick of the city and school. So I left, I moved home.
I know it may not have been the "smartest" decision, but looking at it now I still don't regret it. I knew I needed to get myself home surrounded by people that I loved and that loved me back. I know that some people in my life don't understand why I would want to come back to this place and I understand why they feel that way. But this is my home and even through it's flaws, I love it. Sure I wish that sometimes I was closer to the mall or the movie theatre and definitely a grocery store with fresher produce! But as far as the mall and theatre go, I'm glad that I don't have the temptation to spend $$$.
Since I have made the change to live home I have changed alot of things in my life. I am back living at my mothers, which is a big struggle in more ways than one. I love the woman to death, but she's got to understand that I'm used to living by my own set of rules and habits and I'm not the teenager that she can nag all the time. I love you mom, if someone reads this and informs you of it haha I still love you and we've probably "exchanged words" about this topic already :P I have also started to save. I just purchased my first set of studio lights for the business I am trying to grow! I have picked out a "dream" property that I would like to start putting pennies in a jar for - far chance that I will ever reach that dream, but it's something to live for. And I am started to save for a big fancy photo printer to further by business and a small jar for a chicken coop I would like to have this summer :) I have STOPPED drinking and partying, go me! But it has made it harder to see friends. I will go out occasionally as the weather heats up, but I was partying every weekend all weekend and it wasn't helping my depression any.
I have STARTED anti-depressants. Lately I have been feelings like I need one of those pill holders with the dates on them for old people so that I can keep track of all my meds, between birth control, migraine medication, anti-depressants, anti-biotics and vitamins, I feel I could open my own drugstore! <- that's a joke for any browsing officers, I ain't sharing my meds!
BUT I have to tell you these new anti-depressants have not only started to kick in and give me a better mood and keep my smiling, but they have also given me the most INSANE - I mean it when I say insane - dreams for the past four weeks. I have done everything from stay the night in an erupting volcano, signed up for the job "SPIDER HUNTER" - complete with training and trapping, seen the day the Grand Manan Adventure was replaced with the TITANIC - even a sunken ship can stay running longer than the Advench, smoked illegal substances with a couple police officers, and lived most of my life in a dream - I lived from being pregnant, to having my first child, Jack, to having a second and third, Olive and Bennett (I'm really hoping this is a dream and not a prediction). So these dreams have definitely become my new form of entertainment, most days I wake up laughing so the anti-depressants are working day and night haha.
The next thing that's brought a smile to my face is a new relationship or you could say an old one. I've started dating my ex boyfriend again and although some may not understand it, I do. And that's all I need. I haven't felt this awesome in a very long time and I hope this feeling never leaves. Somedays I stumble upon photos with words like "dating your ex is like getting out of the shower and putting on the same dirty underwear" and "there's a reason they're your past, look forward to the future." A few months ago I would have cheered for those photos, but I've had a change of heart. We were very young and naive when we started our relationship 4 years ago, and after 3 years I started to grow restless and didn't know what I wanted out of live and he really needed to learn to grow up on his own and stop looking to me for the answers to his problems. So I called it off, but this past year apart has done wonders on us both. We both grew up, found ourselves as individuals, tried to hate each other and found ourselves wanting it back, and I went alittle crazy, but I'll post about that another day. So here we are with a fresh start.
We started hanging out and enjoying video games we used to play, shows that we like and eachother company all together. Laughing and talking, catching up on what each other has been through the past year. I probably did much more talking than he did, because it's hard to shut me up once I start talking about my events of the past year. Which I will never regret, the stories, laughs and unbelievable occurrences will never leave me. It's all apart of who I am and I wouldn't change it for anything. I'm happy with my current life and I thought it would be harder to stay in and enjoy one persons company, but it's exactly what I want right now and what I see myself wanting for a long time. So maybe I put my dirty underwear back on, but they're my favorite pair, they really look good on me and I love them.
I have been playing TOO much ps3 and watching TOO much netflix. Justin's playstation has definitely become my new bestfriend and fallout has become the majority of our evenings together. I love that game and we have been playing as a team and we've never been better at it! It's been so much fun. I've fallen behind on tv shows and blog entries, but I have been doing alot of archiving and cleaning out my computer and editing programs to get ready for the summer photo season.
Justin and I also did alittle work out in the yard, prepping for the garden, compost and hopefully chicken-coop. I visited with my long lost father and stepmother which was a great visit! I'll be starting to go over there a lot more helping pay back what I owe them for the money that I'll be lending until my job hunt is over, HOPEFULLY soon, because I would love to start bringing in some money to put in my savings jars!
Overall I am really enjoying my life right now. Two months ago I would have rather slept days away so that I wouldn't have to get up and face my life, because I didn't like where I was and what I was doing. Some people have a hard time understanding depression and that's okay, it's hard to understand something that you haven't experienced, but it is real. It's not laziness or just not getting enough sleep. It's a miserable feeling of hopelessness and feeling like you're trapped in an endless hole of emptiness. That's what it was for me, I felt like if I stayed where I was I wouldn't ever smile again or feel warm inside, all I could feel was that I didn't want to get up and live my life if it was just going to be what it was. I couldn't be happier with my decision to leave and come home, I'm my bubbly, happy, positive self and it doesn't bother me that I won't stand up and get a piece of paper saying that I learned what I learned. I can still create the art that I will, not receiving a diploma won't change that. I have talent and I'm still going to put it to good use!
I hope that if someone reads this that is going through any sort of depression, know that you aren't alone, most people go through a period in their life when they feel like nothing will change and there's no help. If you feel like there is something you could do to make yourself happier, do it. Whether it's moving, making new friends, stoping something or starting something. Change is the only way you're going to get out of that hopeless hole. I started partying when I was depressed because of my relationship and it ending, and then I stopped partying to get out of a depression. Sometimes you just need to rearrange or organize your life, switch things up so you don't get bored and tired, go back to doing something that used to make you happy or try something new. But do SOMETHING so you don't keep feeling the same.
signed a much happier robyn!
For the first time in months I have been really happy. Those who are closest to me know the struggle I have been through since a little before Christmas. I've had depression in my life before, but nothing like the past several months. I was extremely depressed, not my normal bubbly happy self. I stopped going to school and hanging out with friends, I stopped leaving my house period. I avoided it as much as possible. I started sleeping, ALOT, not getting out of bed, waking up and going right back to sleep or pulling the covers over my head and watching tv episodes online. I started crying all the time, sometimes for no reason, I would cry when I woke up, in the shower, while doing my hair, and on the phone to my mother. It was very hard for me to see myself like that and I wanted to do whatever it took to make myself right again. I was under alot of stress inside myself and I was growing very sick of the city and school. So I left, I moved home.
I know it may not have been the "smartest" decision, but looking at it now I still don't regret it. I knew I needed to get myself home surrounded by people that I loved and that loved me back. I know that some people in my life don't understand why I would want to come back to this place and I understand why they feel that way. But this is my home and even through it's flaws, I love it. Sure I wish that sometimes I was closer to the mall or the movie theatre and definitely a grocery store with fresher produce! But as far as the mall and theatre go, I'm glad that I don't have the temptation to spend $$$.
Since I have made the change to live home I have changed alot of things in my life. I am back living at my mothers, which is a big struggle in more ways than one. I love the woman to death, but she's got to understand that I'm used to living by my own set of rules and habits and I'm not the teenager that she can nag all the time. I love you mom, if someone reads this and informs you of it haha I still love you and we've probably "exchanged words" about this topic already :P I have also started to save. I just purchased my first set of studio lights for the business I am trying to grow! I have picked out a "dream" property that I would like to start putting pennies in a jar for - far chance that I will ever reach that dream, but it's something to live for. And I am started to save for a big fancy photo printer to further by business and a small jar for a chicken coop I would like to have this summer :) I have STOPPED drinking and partying, go me! But it has made it harder to see friends. I will go out occasionally as the weather heats up, but I was partying every weekend all weekend and it wasn't helping my depression any.
I have STARTED anti-depressants. Lately I have been feelings like I need one of those pill holders with the dates on them for old people so that I can keep track of all my meds, between birth control, migraine medication, anti-depressants, anti-biotics and vitamins, I feel I could open my own drugstore! <- that's a joke for any browsing officers, I ain't sharing my meds!
BUT I have to tell you these new anti-depressants have not only started to kick in and give me a better mood and keep my smiling, but they have also given me the most INSANE - I mean it when I say insane - dreams for the past four weeks. I have done everything from stay the night in an erupting volcano, signed up for the job "SPIDER HUNTER" - complete with training and trapping, seen the day the Grand Manan Adventure was replaced with the TITANIC - even a sunken ship can stay running longer than the Advench, smoked illegal substances with a couple police officers, and lived most of my life in a dream - I lived from being pregnant, to having my first child, Jack, to having a second and third, Olive and Bennett (I'm really hoping this is a dream and not a prediction). So these dreams have definitely become my new form of entertainment, most days I wake up laughing so the anti-depressants are working day and night haha.
The next thing that's brought a smile to my face is a new relationship or you could say an old one. I've started dating my ex boyfriend again and although some may not understand it, I do. And that's all I need. I haven't felt this awesome in a very long time and I hope this feeling never leaves. Somedays I stumble upon photos with words like "dating your ex is like getting out of the shower and putting on the same dirty underwear" and "there's a reason they're your past, look forward to the future." A few months ago I would have cheered for those photos, but I've had a change of heart. We were very young and naive when we started our relationship 4 years ago, and after 3 years I started to grow restless and didn't know what I wanted out of live and he really needed to learn to grow up on his own and stop looking to me for the answers to his problems. So I called it off, but this past year apart has done wonders on us both. We both grew up, found ourselves as individuals, tried to hate each other and found ourselves wanting it back, and I went alittle crazy, but I'll post about that another day. So here we are with a fresh start.
We started hanging out and enjoying video games we used to play, shows that we like and eachother company all together. Laughing and talking, catching up on what each other has been through the past year. I probably did much more talking than he did, because it's hard to shut me up once I start talking about my events of the past year. Which I will never regret, the stories, laughs and unbelievable occurrences will never leave me. It's all apart of who I am and I wouldn't change it for anything. I'm happy with my current life and I thought it would be harder to stay in and enjoy one persons company, but it's exactly what I want right now and what I see myself wanting for a long time. So maybe I put my dirty underwear back on, but they're my favorite pair, they really look good on me and I love them.
I have been playing TOO much ps3 and watching TOO much netflix. Justin's playstation has definitely become my new bestfriend and fallout has become the majority of our evenings together. I love that game and we have been playing as a team and we've never been better at it! It's been so much fun. I've fallen behind on tv shows and blog entries, but I have been doing alot of archiving and cleaning out my computer and editing programs to get ready for the summer photo season.
Justin and I also did alittle work out in the yard, prepping for the garden, compost and hopefully chicken-coop. I visited with my long lost father and stepmother which was a great visit! I'll be starting to go over there a lot more helping pay back what I owe them for the money that I'll be lending until my job hunt is over, HOPEFULLY soon, because I would love to start bringing in some money to put in my savings jars!
Overall I am really enjoying my life right now. Two months ago I would have rather slept days away so that I wouldn't have to get up and face my life, because I didn't like where I was and what I was doing. Some people have a hard time understanding depression and that's okay, it's hard to understand something that you haven't experienced, but it is real. It's not laziness or just not getting enough sleep. It's a miserable feeling of hopelessness and feeling like you're trapped in an endless hole of emptiness. That's what it was for me, I felt like if I stayed where I was I wouldn't ever smile again or feel warm inside, all I could feel was that I didn't want to get up and live my life if it was just going to be what it was. I couldn't be happier with my decision to leave and come home, I'm my bubbly, happy, positive self and it doesn't bother me that I won't stand up and get a piece of paper saying that I learned what I learned. I can still create the art that I will, not receiving a diploma won't change that. I have talent and I'm still going to put it to good use!
I hope that if someone reads this that is going through any sort of depression, know that you aren't alone, most people go through a period in their life when they feel like nothing will change and there's no help. If you feel like there is something you could do to make yourself happier, do it. Whether it's moving, making new friends, stoping something or starting something. Change is the only way you're going to get out of that hopeless hole. I started partying when I was depressed because of my relationship and it ending, and then I stopped partying to get out of a depression. Sometimes you just need to rearrange or organize your life, switch things up so you don't get bored and tired, go back to doing something that used to make you happy or try something new. But do SOMETHING so you don't keep feeling the same.
signed a much happier robyn!
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