I have been trying to write a blog about this for awhile now, but just haven't had the motivation to do it, or anything at all in fact. I've been really deep in a self pity mode for a week or so. I always let my depression get the best of me, it's a constant struggle. It just overwhelms me with bad feelings and "you might as well give up" thoughts, when really I know that's not who I am and if anyone knows me really well they know that if I want something I'll make sure I get it.
So anyway, I went through a rough couple days of staying in bed all day and really feel sorry for myself, and I've been there before, about the same time last year only in February. I was very depressed and not pleased with my life at all. The difference this year is that things aren't half as bad and that's what got me out of bed yesterday. Even though nothing is really "great" in my life right now, I've come a long way from last year. Yes, I quit school and moved back to my hometown, but I did it because I wanted to start a studio there and I was DONE with school and it was making me miserable. I went through some rough stuff with an old relationship that should have stayed old, but now I know that we are NEVER going work, then with George passing and being laid off after buying house, really got me down.
Then I started to look at the good side of things. I have a house, thats one step closer to having my studio, I mean now I am in debt, but I have a place to have a studio and I'm not drowning, I'm still ahead of my mortgage, okay well maybe I'm getting alittle tired of trying to make myself float but I am learning and making it work. I've been getting little jobs here and there and making some money. It's almost spring! It's so nice out today. I have an amazing family that I don't know what I would do without, both my papa's are always here to help, one to paint over my awful paint jobs and one to plow me out when it snows, momma lenny is always there for me, my gram green is constantly checking in to make sure I'm okay and hooking me up with odd jobs, my gram gup is my gym buddy, and then the rest of my famjam for being there for family night or just in general. I have two awesome best friends, although they both live away I facetime with Jo everyday <3 and I wish I lived closer to both of them. They are the reason that I miss the city. I have all my furbabes, even though sometimes I worry that no one is every going to except and love me and my 6 furbabes, I know that they will always love me and I don't know what I would do without their cuddles every day.
My life isn't so bad. I pulled myself out of bed today at EIGHT THIRTY! I had to capitalize is because the earliest I have been waking up is noon. I told my Gram that she has to pick me up every morning and get my ass to the gym, I miss that energy boost and I need it in the morning not the afternoon. I want to be healthy so I went to the store yesterday and stocked up on good food. I would say fresh, but that's hard to say about food on this island. As I was leaving the grocery store a man that I have real respect for, came up to me that and gave me a pretty great compliment. He told me that he was so proud to that a girl at my age, bought a house on Grand Manan on her own without a man. This made me feel really great. I didn't really know what to do with such a compliment at the moment, but it really made my day. I never think of myself as independent on the inside, because I'm lonely and hate living alone, but I do it because in a way that's what I want right now, it's just hard to push through it.
Enough of all this talk, point is, I'm awesome, I'm young and I'm learning how to live on my own.
First thing all these random bad luck moments were happening to me, and I was getting really upset with it. My mother says that because I think I have bad luck then bad things will happen, or if I have a bad attitude I bring it on myself. This is kind of true, but looking back I think that bad things just happen to us, and if we are already down then those bad things are magnified. These couple of things that I'm about to post, made me feel like my house had just burned down - which I'm alittle surprised hasn't happened yet. But now I find them really funny and it's very like me, that they happened. I'm always making a mess and usually it doesn't bother me, but when I was already having a rough time in my head it seemed alot worse.
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| I flooded my bathroom and kitchen with the washing machine water. My laundry sink got clogged and over flowed. The bathroom door was closed and I was at the stove when all this water start rushing out from under the door. I was stunned and didn't believe that it was really happening. I had to use every towel in my house and some blankets. The ladder is in the bathroom because my chain from the light broke off and I still have no bathroom light. But it's all funny now. |
As for painting my office...well I start like three weeks ago and I wanted it to be orange like the orange in my logo, but to get that orange you need a clear based paint. They told me I would need a primer, but my papa says always try it without a primer. Mom and I chose only to start the orange on one wall, which was such a good idea because it took three coats and you could still see every stroke. So I cried alittle and mom went to buy the primer, 40 dollars later, we primed the walls except the orange one and then painted orange over the primer and it was just as bad if no alittle worse! So I said I was done with this clear based orange and was going to prime the two orange walls and go with a different color.
Mom was too busy doing her own thing so I was going to prime the orange walls myself. I got one done and was about to start the second when I tripped on the second rung on the ladder and this happened. I can still hear myself yelling "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" as I grabbed globs of paint as it fell to the floor. I ran through my kitchen and into the bathroom to grab a towel to wipe my hands, trying not to trail too much paint through those rooms. I grabbed my cell and called mom to come help. As I was trying to clean some of the paint up, I slipped and got it all over myself. I was quite a mess when mom showed up and through the tears I had managed to scoop some of the primer back into the can, because I wasn't buying another can to finish painting that last wall. My grandfather found alot more humor at my mess than I did and agreed to finish painting the office for me the next week. Thank God, because it would be everywhere if I was to do it in the mood I've been in. The ceiling would have ended up the same color as the walls.
Here is the finished product.
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| I'm not as fond of the pink as I was the orange, but it will do for now. |
I have a couple other posts that I would like to get up today, but I'm not sure if that will happen. I have a student coming at three and I want to get out and putt around the yard and shower before she gets here. I'm going to take advantage of the nice day while I can :)
I just finished it and the one thing I hate about the end of the book is the lost feeling I get, the left behind and wonderment of what happened next. That I just spend a days getting to know the characters, getting close to each one of them and then they're gone, it's over. I just made a handful of new friends inside my head and now I've got to let them go. Maybe it's because I've been a alittle emotional the past couple days due to my TOM, but the end of the book made it sad, it did leave the end with the possibility of a sequel, which I really hope happens. I know that it has been rumored that Tim Burton wants to make a movie of the book, which would be marvellous, because I think he could do a wonder with it, I just hope it's not a claymation, no offence to his claymation movies, I just want these characters to be real. The one hard part about making it a movie and what made the book so special is that it had photos of it's characters inside. All real, vintage, peculiar film photographs from collectors. Being a photographer and having a love for old photos were the reasons I bought the book.
