Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place

So at least 7 or 8 months have passed since I used this blog. Probably because I forget it exists or I barely have time to wipe my ass some days. I've been thinking about jumping back on the blog wagon a lot lately, but in all honesty it actually overwhelms me to think of adding it to my list if a million things to remember to do. Which I'm sad about, because I loved blogging and that fact that just thinking about it stresses me out, depresses me. I'm trying to hard to be happy these days and it wouldn't be so hard if I didn't have medication fighting with my happy feelings inside my brain. But that's a long story and only tempory, so someday I will be back to normal. Until then I have to try a bit more to keep the bad feelings at bay, which doesn't always work. 

Having trouble staying positive and happy is only a portion of my troubles lately. Not that I'm using this blog to complain, but more as to release and maybe come to a conclusion while writing. I've been feeling a lot like a trapped animal lately. I feel cornered which makes me frustrated and lash out, I'm confused about what move to make next and exhausted from trying to make the decision. Going from one possible solution to another, but none seem to be secure enough to take the risk. I feel like if I take the leap and try to escape what's trapping me. I'm only going to walk about injured with no way to fix it, and no way back even to the saftey of that small corner. 

That small corner is my life, I'm trapped by money, bills and time, and I want to escape to my personal business, but the risk is too great being alone with so many responsibilities to look after alone. What if I can't make enough income to cover all my expenses? What if my business doesn't go as well as I hoped or there's just not enough market for it? I won't have the security of my 9-5 job to go back to and if I stay and try to do both I will either go insane or run myself bone dry trying to get everything done. 

I'm doing both right now, but I'm not doing my business to it's full potential which is what I want to do, but can't because I work a fulltime job and don't feel I can afford the risk of leaving it. Plus I don't have everything I need to continue building up my company and that all takes money. Which I can't make into I have some of those assets, so I need to work my 9-5 in order to make the money to live and save for the things I need for my personal company. 

I'm stuck between continuing doing both which is causing me to have weekly mental breakdowns or finding the right solution with the right about of security to take the leap and plunge into my business. 

Everyday I'm finding myself more and more jealous of women with husbands that bring home money to pay the mortgage and bills and feed their families,  while they can start their business without such a risk of losing everything because they have a second income. And here I am juggling everything at the age of 22, trying my hardest to get my company up and running and keep myself out of the psych ward. I have a great suport team behind me, but I don't have that extra income. I mean I do because I'm working that fulltime job but it means my business also suffers and I have no extra time. I work 9-5 and come home maybe get something to eat and then 6-11 I do my business. I barely have time to take care of the 27 animals on the property or the house that I own. Laundry and dishes and cat hair consume my house most of the week and forget about a social life, I cut that out a month ago. Thank God, Jo looks after animals and some of the house work. 

I find it very hard to have all these issues on my brain 24/7 and then add having the time to prepare healthy food to eat of fit exercise in...it just doesn't happen right now. Not because I don't want to or I'm making excuses but because if I try to fit anything else into my life I will crack and after much more, surely I will break. 

Trying to keep a positive attitude and a happy demeanor while feeling like a trapped, confused and frustrated animal is very hard. I'm sure there are many of you that have felt this way in your life, maybe for other reasons for not being able to make a decision about something because you are trapped my money or time or the risks are too high. It sucks and I can relate to you. I know everything will work out fine in the end, but the mental and emotional anguish of getting to that point can be so overwhelming at times and it can make you feel very alone. 

Well you aren't alone, I'm here in that hard place. 

Stay strong and keep pushing forward! 

Seriously How Does Life Get So Busy?

Some days I think I have all this free time, but really I just think that I do and I'm sitting around thinking about all the things that I have to do. But most days I really am on the go so freaking much, that when I sit down I don't want to get up. I am pretty productive, but I'm still a big procrastinator. Most of the time I think it's because I put so much on my plate and look down at it and think...how and I supposed to eat all this? In task form "How am I supposed to do all this?" It gets a little over whelming sometimes and I know that I can do it, I just lack motivation or enthusiasm. I get so annoyed with myself on days that I do nothing or evenings that I sit on the couch and watch tv, because I think to myself "Robyn, you have a huge list of things to do, you should be working on that and not be sitting here doing nothing." But I have to admit I like my free time, which sometimes doesn't even seem like free time because I'm messing with photos, or cleaning my computer or emailing brides and etc. 

Knowing that when I sit on the couch and think that I should be doing something productive makes me realize that I am atleast growing up and realizing that I have responsibilities, sure I haven't quite reached the point when I set my personal fun time down to get all of those responsibilities done. But one step at a time right? 

I really do have to step back and look at my life some days. I get so caught up in living and pushing myself to do more and more and when I can't get it all done, I feel so disappointed and like it's a "failure" but it's just a set back really. When these set backs occur, I make myself stop and think. I'm 22, I own my own house in which I live with 3 other people and am very slowing trying to renovate, I have a fulltime job, which I am still traveling away to do courses for, I'm trying to build a hobby farm in order to be self sufficient AND I am slowly building a career and business for myself. That's alot for 22, or I think so. I know that when I was 17 I didn't think I would have come this far by the age of 22. I was always goal oriented, but I have out done what I expected of myself. 

With that list of accomplishments and progressive projects I must say that I am either very enthusiastic and established person or I'm completely insane. Because really...what else would possess me to do all those things above, while taking care of 18 chickens, 1 rabbit, 7 cats, and a dog, plus myself my boyfriend, my bestfriend and another friend. I mean believe me I'm taking care of all of them, they do their fair share of helping and some days even more than I can do myself. But that's why we work so well. The point is I think my life has to be in total chaos all the time, I have to be so busy that I can't stop. I have not one sweet clue why I love living like that, but I do. I love being surrounded by people and things that I love, my pets, my other animals, my projects and hobbies. I'm also the most impatient person and want everything done and accomplished right away. Some days its a bad thing, but I'd like to think most days it's good. Impatient people get shit done. 

I wish I had time like I did before to write posts all the time, I really only do it when I need to vent. I want to say that I will be able to post more in the winter, but this winter I really want to get my business finalized and legally done, official and all that jazz. I have so much archiving and cleaning to do in my programs and on my computer. I want to start training a highschool girl to help me in hopes that I can take over the school photos for GMCS. But in order to do these things I need to kick myself in the ass and grow up the rest of the way. I need to beat up the rest of my procrastinating self and tell her to never come back. 

My major goals for the winter are: 

Get my ass in shape, well really I just want to get healthy and shed some weight. Exercising makes me feel so much better and makes me eat better and I'm just a better person when I'm healthy. 

Officialize Red Robyn Photos, and start applying for grants and start making things happen! 

Do some in house projects done, I want to get some rooms painted - the kitchen is a must, the dreadful linoleum flooring off my livingroom and put my fridge into the wall. 

Get ORGANIZED, I love being organized but it never lasts. But I want to get a budget done, start saving money, make a game plan for the spring and summer for the house and my business and I would really like to get meal plans done up. 

I could really make a list of everything in detail, but it makes my head spin to think about it. I'm always in a rush to get things done, but its because time goes by so fast and if I stop rushing then I forget about things and time slips away. 

I don't think I would want to live any other way. As grumpy and tired as I am some days, I really do love my life. Not saying this as an annoying "lovin' life" facebook status kind of way, but sometimes I have to sit back and smile at how my life is. It's far from perfect and far from uncomplicated, but it's everything I want and I've always been a girl that will work for what she wants. It's not going to just get handed to me thats for sure. 

Stay Happy and Stay Focused!! 

Let's Play Catch Up No.1 - My New Found Thug Family

Let's Play Catch Up 

I'm not going to tell you everything that has happened over the last 4 months, but I will hit the major points and exciting bits. 

I'll start with the ones that are listed just because it will get me thinking and from there, it will be very hard to stop writing.

1. My New Found Thug Family

As some of you may know I bought a house last year. Literally it has been 1 year and 2 days since I moved in. WILD, it just seems so unreal to me. I've had alot of ups and downs since then. When I first moved in it was Justin, Jackson and I. Things were rough and Justin and I had alot of problems and throwing a third person into the mix didn't help things. Jackson ended up moving out and then I ended up leaving Justin for reasons that weren't that I didn't love him - obviously because we are giving it another go - but because of issues he had to take care of on his own. 

I lived through a hard winter of bouncing back and forth from mom's house and my house. Mom and I stuck close by each other through Georges death and being laid off. I got a taste of real life last winter and man, do I ever hope this winter is much better. I don't usually get overwhelmed by the emotions of last winter, but even talking about it now, brings a couple tears to my eyes. 

Then in May I took on a border/roommate. Greg moved in and it helped keep me at my own house instead of bouncing between families houses, plus it really helped with the bills. Before he moved in I had no job, no money, and tons of bills. But I got through it. 

Then came summer and my thug brother Joel had been around the house alot lately. He's who I used to refer to as my biobro, really being my first cousin but him and his brother jackson are the closest things I have to siblings, so at heart they are my brothers. We decided that he could get out of his moms for the summer and make my barn loft into a bedroom space. So he did and it's almost October and he's still here and still in the barn. Brrr. 

Not long after Joel was around, I started talking to Justin again and as we never take things slow and we pretty much pick up where we left off. He was "moved in" by July. He doesn't take up much space though, except most of the bed... he's definitely a bed hog. 

About a month ago my old roomie and best friend, Joanie, Jo as I call her, came to stay here at what I've begun to call Thug Mansion - due to the pumping rap music that you can usually hear around here and the attitudes that most of the boys found here have - for a couple of weeks on her vacation. It was just like it used to be, having her around reminded us both of what living together used to be like. I miss her terrible and we live together so well. After talking alot about her being in fredericton, with no family and a small amount of friends that she didn't hang out with too often. I said "Why are you there? you aren't happy there, you don't like your job, you have no close family there, no support system. I moved home almost two years ago and Lisa (her other best friend in the city) just moved out west. Why are you there? Why are you working a job at the Dollarama, when you went to school to be so much more? You are working there, just so you can pay your bills to live in an apartment with people that you don't really know, to live in a city that is just supposed to be "better" for you than the country life. Because there are supposed to be more opportunities, but if you aren't happy...why not take the opportunity to be happy and move home to the people that love you and will support you." I don't think it was said as well as I just wrote it, but it was something along the lines of that, probably with a bit more profanity, but the same idea. So she moved home last sunday night and went back to the city to get all of her things and was officially moved in yesterday. I could rant about city vs country forever so I'm not going to get into things too deeply. Point is alot of people were against her decision, but we're all for it and we'll make it through, atleast if we can't afford heat, all five of us can cuddle together for warmth. But if I can afford to keep myself going, with no job and no help, then I think the five of us will be fine. 

I grew up alone. That sounds so depressing, because I had my mother and father, but no siblings. So I think I surround myself with people because it's like having the big family I always wanted when I was little. Don't get me wrong I LOVED my single child lifestyle. I've never been big on sharing, but adult siblings are fun, they won't take your toys half as much! but they still will take your food haha. As much as we can all get on each others nerves, we're like a family. We get over it and move on. We have days where we all stay in our separate rooms, days where we all pitch in to get something done like building a chicken coop or just cleaning the house, and days where we all sit down and watch a movie or a tv show together, or have a couple drinks, listen to music and talk. It's sad to say but I don't have many friend outside this Thug Family of ours. We all have our weaknesses and we all have our strengths, when you put us all together we work pretty great. 

Don't think the crowed fun ends with just people! We're all cat people. I have Calliopie and Vesper from when I moved out of my mothers, then when I first got the house Justin and I took in a very flea infested kitten, Phoebe - now flea free. Just before Christmas and just before our break-up, we adopted a special needs kitten, Miles. So four cats would be enough right? Some might think so, but it just happens I like cats more than people, so when Greg asked me if he could get a kitten, how could I say no? Mary-Jane made 5 cats at Thug Mansion. When Justin and I got back together, I seen all the kitens at his house and thought - I need a barn cat to keep the mice away. I do have mice, but I don't have a barn cat. Penelope was half wild when we brought her to my house, she was used to living outside, but was wanted to keep her in the house for a bit so she'd know where her new house was and to tame her up a bit. Turns outs Justin thought she was too cute and she couldn't be a barn cat, we're better off getting a male barn cat. So Penny made 6 cats at Thug Mansion. Then came Dexter, Joanie's cat. And I am still left with no barn kitty. Although there is a stray that hangs around the house. A total of 7 cats, one for each day of the week, live at Thug Mansion with 5 people. 

I would hate to leave out that I have a giant rabbit, Mayor and 6 laying hens - Miss Maudie, Miss Blanche, Miss Calpurnia, Miss Minnie, Miss Emilee and Miss Etta. And that's still not all, we ordered 12 more laying hens that I will need to get in the next couple of weeks. So expect a full Chicken Blog Post soon. Then there is Tinka, my pomeranian, who has gotten very comfy at her Grandmothers house, but needs to move back to Thug Mansion to make it all complete.

Total Being: 

18 Laying Hens

  7 Cats

  5 People

  1 Rabbit

  1 Dog 

All of these pets and people make up Thug Mansion, soon to be even more expanded in the Spring. We all agree with the self sufficient lifestyle and I've always wanted a farm! Just another reason we all work together to make it happen :) 

Here are some photos of the residents 

Joel aka Thug Dawg

Justin

Miss Maudie <3 she's the beauty 

Miss Emilee (red) and Miss Calpurnia (black)

Miss Blanche

Miss Etta

Miss Blanche, crazy old Blanche.

Justin and the chicks

Thug Dawg and the Ladies

Miles my CH kitty <3 

Miss Emilee - The mean chicken of the bunch.

Me and Tinka

Justin and I 

Jo and I 

Stay Happy and Positive :)