Why Is Winter So Tiring?

I am a terrible blog writer, I read back on most of my posts and really don't even understand my own message. I'm glad I don't have a lot of followers or readers haha.

I find winter to be extremely tiring. I am wake up with energy and within 20 mins, it is all sucked from me. All summer long I am constantly on the go and never get exhausted, maybe that's because summer is a high. I'm high on the excitement and the craze that summer brings. And maybe winter is just a terrible low for me, I guess it always has been if I reflect on it. Winter months are my depressed, confused, "What am I doing with my life?!" months.
Although I wouldn't go as far to say I'm depressed. Unhappy, maybe. Unsatisfied, yes. And all day I think of ways to fix these issues, but instead of actually getting on top of fixing them, I dwell. I pinterest instead of being productive, I watch Grey's on netflix instead of tidying my livespace or getting real work done. Is it the lack of sunshine and warmth that do this to me? Why do I feel like a total bag of shit in the winter?!
You know, I've even started eating healthy, thinking, "this will help, this will make your body feel better. This will help you get healthier, maybe lose a few pounds too." But have I felt better? No, I haven't instead I got a head cold, full sinuses and sore throat, then what you ask? I got the flu. Both ends kind of flu, thank God it only lasted one day for the most. But it's always energy draining for a week or more. So, no I haven't felt healthier at all in 2015, even though my main diet consists of leafy greens, which really aren't THAT bad, but man I miss eating steak every day.

I lack all my motivation, my flare and passion. It makes me feel like the worst version of myself, if the real me is even in here somewhere. I love my life, I know I do. In the winter I just seem to pick out all the parts I dislike and make it all about that. I get spurts of amazing motivation, at the most inconvenient times of course. While I'm napping babies at my full time job, that's when I want to get creative and turn my life around. And what happens when the daycare closes and I go home? I sit my ass down on my comfy lounger and feel like taking a nap, that's what happens. Then I feel guilty for being the most lazy human on the planet. So I make plans with friends, I get out of the house for a couple hours in the evening. Which doesn't make me any more productive, so I still feel guilty for not getting anything extra done, but at least I'm not lying around, at least I feel a little better inside, just less responsible.
Sometimes I try to blame it on other things in my life, I do have a very full life, chaotic even. I do it to myself though. Most of the time I work best under chaos, in the winter it just seems to be harder to juggle it all in between Grey's Anatomy episodes and falling asleep in the bubble bath. I think it would be so much easier if I lived alone, with no tv, no distractions, but that's not true. It would all be much easier if I stopped making excuses, got organized and achieved some goals.

Here are some solutions to my problems, that we all know I am going to write down in this blog and never look at, but I'm trying here. This will be a pep talk to myself.

1. Time Management - Make a damn schedule and stick to it!! 
2. Always Write Things Down - Make those to do lists, on your arm, in a book, anywhere and please all I ask is that you keep checking them. Don't make them and never look at it again, work on your memory please. 
3. Have a List of 5 MAJOR things that are MUST DO's for that day.
4. Distance Yourself - Find your quiet spot away from distractions where you can get things done. Don't sit in the living room and watch tv where you know you still won't get anything done, even if your laptop is on your lap. We all know the screen is showing pinterest and not the work you should be doing.
5. Start Actually Relaxing - I don't mean watching tv or going to hang out with friends, I mean read, journal (actually write with a pen or pencil), work out - start one of those damn monthly challenges, I bet your can't finish one ;) or meditate for a few moments. Just take a damn breather and figure your shit out so you can get something else done. 
6. Stick With The Healthy Eating!! - You're doing good, perfectly green eating? No, but you only have junk once a week now, that's not bad! 
7. Be Straight Up - I know you've really been working on this one for the past year in all parts of your life, so keep it up. I know you're afraid to hurt feelings, but you need to focus on things that you have to do. You can't devote all of your time to certain activities because you are afraid of upsetting someone. Give a little, but start doing stuff you NEED to do and stop worrying about letting others down. Also this goes to letting out pent up thoughts and emotions. If you have the chance to say something to someone, but you are scared of the outcome, say it anyway. You have very little to lose in most cases and you really need to let go of things so they aren't always weighing on your mind. Next chance you get, don't be a coward, just say it no matter how awkward and get it over with. If it's not the outcome you wanted at least you know. I want to give you props for doing so good and this in the past year. You're much more confident than you used to be. 

I think I will leave it at those 7. I could definitely continue, but I should do other things today as well. Blogging isn't really a must do, and is more of a "journaling" relaxed part of my day. 

Stay Happy and Motivated! 

As I lie awake...

As I was lying in bed, trying to sleep before work in the morning, I was restless to write. It's been a long time since I posted and no one even reads these anymore. Not that I had many followers before, but my purpose here has always been to clear my mind and my soul of the excess amount of words caught inside me. 

I could talk about so much! I've been full of inspiration and this need to create, to write, to paint, to craft. But I've also been so caught up in worrying about where I should be and what else I want from my life that I really don't get much creating done. Anyone that knows me, knows I am a terrible over thinker, a constant worrier and planner. I have a fun and wild side, but she can be too much for me to handle so I keep her locked up most of the time. 

I have SO much to be thankful for in my life right now. So many reasons to be proud of myself, the progress I've been making in my life but also the steps I've been taking are extremely terrifying to face on my own. Buying a house at 22 was exciting and something I knew I could handle as the rents I had been paying were more than my mortgage. I had a good job and roommates at the time. Then I incorporated at the end of my 22nd year. Which I still have mixed feelings about. I love my business and want to continue, I just don't know if the incorporated route is the way for me. We'll see it's all been a learning experience. I got my first big job at 23 and everything that could have gone wrong, did. Now, still 23, I'm building onto my house to create a studio space and a new porch. It's terrifying, I'm so afraid to fail, that I won't be able to make payments, that I'm going to fall flat on my face. But I push that fear away, because that's all it is is fear. 

I know I can do things in my own, but it's so much harder. I know I don't NEED a significant other to make my life whole or to help me through life. I'm a big girl I can make it on my own. I actually don't understand completely why I don't have more people interested in me. I'm set up already, I have my life pretty much together, other than the love aspect of it. Am I too intimidating? Is the fact that I don't NEED someone to take care of me the reason I don't have more people after me? I always blame it on the shallowness of the world, I'm a plus size, juicy bitch. Everyone wants a model like twig these days. But that's not fair for me to judge people like that's it could also be because I'm actually really strange and have a weird outlook on life, I want a simple life, I want to be self sufficient. But most likely it's because I don't put out anymore or that I'm so closed off and trust no one, that I won't let anyone get to know me. I struggle with it on a daily. I start to think I'm depressed, but I'm not.

I am happy, I just really have a hard time wanting people in my life. Maybe I feel like I've been disappointed by so many people or that I've disappointed so many people, that it's just not worth all the hurt that comes with it. 

Sappy, I know. I'll tone it down, back to not NEEDING someone. My point is I really WANT someone. Out of all the crazy highs and lows of my life I have never felt something so confusing as what I feel right now. My body and mind ache to have love in my life again. I want someone to love me so badly that it hurts. I want to have a relationship again, to trust someone, to feel safe curled up beside a warm body at night, to talk and laugh with someone agin and want nothing but their company, to feel good about myself because they make me feel amazing. But I do not want anyone to get close to me right now, I don't want anyone to touch me or meet me in person and even speak with me. I avoid all contact with other guys I know are single or available. I actually avoid most of the public these days. But I just want nothing to do with people I could be with. I want someone and yet don't want to get to know anyone, I don't want anyone to know me. I'm not sure if it's my insecurities with myself or lack of faith in the human race. 

It's so hard to deal with. If I talk to anyone, I push them away. I won't let them close enough for any real feelings to form. Because I'm so unsure of myself, I don't know how to trust myself to know when I actually really like someone or just the idea of them. I need to be able to figure that out before I let someone in. 

My want to have children is so great right now that I could cry every time I see a baby. I watch my papa interact with babies and kids at work and I just need to have a child now. They need to know him, I desperately need my children to have this amazing man in their lives. It's not an opinion and it's something I feel so strongly about, that I have to keep myself from going out and having random sex with people just to get pregnant. My grand father means the world to me and I've already told him that he has to live forever, but I know that's not allowed. All I want is to have my first child know him, I want more than that, but atleast my first born must be blessed by knowing him. 

So there's that part that also really makes me want a healthy relationship, so I can have a family. I picture myself with a hard working guy who understands my needs and I understand his. I want to be a work at home. Run my business from home and provide, even teach my own children.

I could go on and on with this mushy stuff, but the weight has been lifted enough that I'm sure I can sleep now. 

Good night☺️ 

Stay happy 😀

 

How Do We Move Forward?

I wasn't quite sure how I would or if I wanted to even get out of bed this morning. Partly because there is such an emotional weight over this island I didn't know if I actually had the strength to drag myself out of bed and force myself to get ready for the day. I know my heart is broken, but I believe it to be so broken from this past month that it is numb from the pain. Why does this keep happening? I knew I shouldn't question life and death and who stays and goes after Dani moved on. But it's only alittle over a month since then and 3 more of our beloved community members, our loved ones, friends, heros, hard workers etc, have been claimed by a better place. Because it just seems that our small community keeps getting kicked while we are down I have to question "Why is this happening? Why them? Why couldn't they stay? Why does our community have to keep enduring what seems to be a summer of sorrow? When will it end? And of all questions, What next? And can our island stand anymore pain?" I know we can I know we will hold each other close and get through this, but it would be nice to have time to heal from one tragedy to another :( All of my heart and thoughts are with the friends and family members of the lost, along with all the response teams and funeral directors. I have to say that atleast each member of grand manan has felt some level of pain and grief from one of these accidents we are a full community in mouring. I love each and everyone of you out there <3 life is too short for hate, too short for hard feelings and too short not to love one another and be kind to each other. 

As Strong as an Island

We have fog in our hair and mist on our skin,

We're an island of love, we'll welcome you in.

We have waves at our feet and storms in our eyes, 

When one heart aches, the whole island cries. 

We're tangled in twine, held together by net, 

A community tied tight, with every need met.

A salty wind blows through each one of our souls, 

We're a ship you can't sink, on a big swell she rolls.

We have the sea in our veins and salt in our hearts,

When a tragedy strikes it cannot make us part. 

Community is family and we stand together as one,

This island will leave a mark that can't be undone. 

Stay strong Grand Manan <3