Much has changed since my last post, but one thing that hasn't changed is my attention span. Clearly I had all good intentions of using my blog as a diary again, but good ol' me got distracted by life and the one post was the only post.
I am seriously going to try to do this whole thing again and a little more faithfully. I have more time as an unemployed person, but less time because I have 2 pigs, 52 chicks/chickens, 6 cats, a dog and a boyfriend to take care of.
Life once again has me stumped. I'm so happy lately, but I'm lost. I quit my job, because I'm tired of wasting my time and energy for someone else's benefit and minimum wage. Thank fuck for my fantastic boyfriend willing to put up with my decision and support it. I will admit that I had much more motivation to get out and do odd jobs at first, than I do now. So #1 on my list of things to do, find odd jobs (cleaning, dulsing, gardening, etc). #2 is get back to art, I love making art and I want to dedicate a good chunk of my time an energy to being creative again. There are so many things that inspire me and so many mediums I want to work in that it overwhelms me and I don't know where to start so Wednesday I took the 8.50 and bought a new water-color book and started some sketches and I'll paint tomorrow.
I've never been good at sticking with one thing for too long, other than animals. Maybe it's commitment issues, maybe its ADHD, who knows really, but this is who I am and I need to work with it not against it. Ultimately my plan is to work for the life that I want, and that life includes hobby farming, art and possibly a little bohemian shop. Plus all of my personal things like my boyfriend - I'd like to keep him around, all my stuff at home, friends and family. Basically I'm just looking to make my life, MY life. I want to be happy with whatever I'm doing with most of my time and energy. I'm sure it will be hard and things will be tight and sometimes I'm going to have to do things that don't always make me happy, but for the majority I want to mix responsibility with chaos and hope for a good outcome.
I recently opened up a can of mental health worms and started therapy, which I'm thankful for. I don't always agree with the medical system and I'm not out for a diagnosis, although they have started me on different drugs, some I have noticed good outcomes, others I have stopped because I didn't like them. I am a firm believer that healthy living cures most mental health problems as much as it does physical health, but I do understand that some people can't always take that risk of hoping that it does, so if drugs are your help, take them, but personally I like to avoid them and try to change my lifestyle. Since last year I see such a decline in myself that its hard to deal with sometimes. I'm slowly fighting it all to get back to being that person I was. Last summer was a high light of my adult life. I hadn't felt that good about myself, ever. I felt free, I had no fear, I pushed myself, I had adventures and didn't take time for granted. All the little things matter, but above all I accepted myself. My flaws, insecurities, all the little rough spots, along with everything great about me.
Lets see if I make another post in the next week, if not I'll be back next year maybe haha
"I've never been good at sticking with one thing for too long, other than animals. Maybe it's commitment issues, maybe its ADHD, who knows really, but this is who I am and I need to work with it not against it."
ReplyDeleteSome of us are like that--and it isn't a bad thing (despite what Western culture, which prefers specialization, says). I myself have to do more than one art form (drawing, painting, writing, music, dancing...) in order to be happy, though I only do one (photography) professionally. I only figured this out this year when I started doing more non-photography stuff and discovered that I felt happier than I'd been in YEARS. There's so much out there, it's all so cool, and I love it and it inspires me (that's another thing: all those different media influence each other--e.g., when I did my thesis project for NSCAD, I took advantage of my violin training when putting together the slideshow in Adobe Premiere). Have you seen this TED talk? Why Some of Us Don't Have One True Calling