As I lie awake...

As I was lying in bed, trying to sleep before work in the morning, I was restless to write. It's been a long time since I posted and no one even reads these anymore. Not that I had many followers before, but my purpose here has always been to clear my mind and my soul of the excess amount of words caught inside me. 

I could talk about so much! I've been full of inspiration and this need to create, to write, to paint, to craft. But I've also been so caught up in worrying about where I should be and what else I want from my life that I really don't get much creating done. Anyone that knows me, knows I am a terrible over thinker, a constant worrier and planner. I have a fun and wild side, but she can be too much for me to handle so I keep her locked up most of the time. 

I have SO much to be thankful for in my life right now. So many reasons to be proud of myself, the progress I've been making in my life but also the steps I've been taking are extremely terrifying to face on my own. Buying a house at 22 was exciting and something I knew I could handle as the rents I had been paying were more than my mortgage. I had a good job and roommates at the time. Then I incorporated at the end of my 22nd year. Which I still have mixed feelings about. I love my business and want to continue, I just don't know if the incorporated route is the way for me. We'll see it's all been a learning experience. I got my first big job at 23 and everything that could have gone wrong, did. Now, still 23, I'm building onto my house to create a studio space and a new porch. It's terrifying, I'm so afraid to fail, that I won't be able to make payments, that I'm going to fall flat on my face. But I push that fear away, because that's all it is is fear. 

I know I can do things in my own, but it's so much harder. I know I don't NEED a significant other to make my life whole or to help me through life. I'm a big girl I can make it on my own. I actually don't understand completely why I don't have more people interested in me. I'm set up already, I have my life pretty much together, other than the love aspect of it. Am I too intimidating? Is the fact that I don't NEED someone to take care of me the reason I don't have more people after me? I always blame it on the shallowness of the world, I'm a plus size, juicy bitch. Everyone wants a model like twig these days. But that's not fair for me to judge people like that's it could also be because I'm actually really strange and have a weird outlook on life, I want a simple life, I want to be self sufficient. But most likely it's because I don't put out anymore or that I'm so closed off and trust no one, that I won't let anyone get to know me. I struggle with it on a daily. I start to think I'm depressed, but I'm not.

I am happy, I just really have a hard time wanting people in my life. Maybe I feel like I've been disappointed by so many people or that I've disappointed so many people, that it's just not worth all the hurt that comes with it. 

Sappy, I know. I'll tone it down, back to not NEEDING someone. My point is I really WANT someone. Out of all the crazy highs and lows of my life I have never felt something so confusing as what I feel right now. My body and mind ache to have love in my life again. I want someone to love me so badly that it hurts. I want to have a relationship again, to trust someone, to feel safe curled up beside a warm body at night, to talk and laugh with someone agin and want nothing but their company, to feel good about myself because they make me feel amazing. But I do not want anyone to get close to me right now, I don't want anyone to touch me or meet me in person and even speak with me. I avoid all contact with other guys I know are single or available. I actually avoid most of the public these days. But I just want nothing to do with people I could be with. I want someone and yet don't want to get to know anyone, I don't want anyone to know me. I'm not sure if it's my insecurities with myself or lack of faith in the human race. 

It's so hard to deal with. If I talk to anyone, I push them away. I won't let them close enough for any real feelings to form. Because I'm so unsure of myself, I don't know how to trust myself to know when I actually really like someone or just the idea of them. I need to be able to figure that out before I let someone in. 

My want to have children is so great right now that I could cry every time I see a baby. I watch my papa interact with babies and kids at work and I just need to have a child now. They need to know him, I desperately need my children to have this amazing man in their lives. It's not an opinion and it's something I feel so strongly about, that I have to keep myself from going out and having random sex with people just to get pregnant. My grand father means the world to me and I've already told him that he has to live forever, but I know that's not allowed. All I want is to have my first child know him, I want more than that, but atleast my first born must be blessed by knowing him. 

So there's that part that also really makes me want a healthy relationship, so I can have a family. I picture myself with a hard working guy who understands my needs and I understand his. I want to be a work at home. Run my business from home and provide, even teach my own children.

I could go on and on with this mushy stuff, but the weight has been lifted enough that I'm sure I can sleep now. 

Good night☺️ 

Stay happy 😀

 

How Do We Move Forward?

I wasn't quite sure how I would or if I wanted to even get out of bed this morning. Partly because there is such an emotional weight over this island I didn't know if I actually had the strength to drag myself out of bed and force myself to get ready for the day. I know my heart is broken, but I believe it to be so broken from this past month that it is numb from the pain. Why does this keep happening? I knew I shouldn't question life and death and who stays and goes after Dani moved on. But it's only alittle over a month since then and 3 more of our beloved community members, our loved ones, friends, heros, hard workers etc, have been claimed by a better place. Because it just seems that our small community keeps getting kicked while we are down I have to question "Why is this happening? Why them? Why couldn't they stay? Why does our community have to keep enduring what seems to be a summer of sorrow? When will it end? And of all questions, What next? And can our island stand anymore pain?" I know we can I know we will hold each other close and get through this, but it would be nice to have time to heal from one tragedy to another :( All of my heart and thoughts are with the friends and family members of the lost, along with all the response teams and funeral directors. I have to say that atleast each member of grand manan has felt some level of pain and grief from one of these accidents we are a full community in mouring. I love each and everyone of you out there <3 life is too short for hate, too short for hard feelings and too short not to love one another and be kind to each other. 

As Strong as an Island

We have fog in our hair and mist on our skin,

We're an island of love, we'll welcome you in.

We have waves at our feet and storms in our eyes, 

When one heart aches, the whole island cries. 

We're tangled in twine, held together by net, 

A community tied tight, with every need met.

A salty wind blows through each one of our souls, 

We're a ship you can't sink, on a big swell she rolls.

We have the sea in our veins and salt in our hearts,

When a tragedy strikes it cannot make us part. 

Community is family and we stand together as one,

This island will leave a mark that can't be undone. 

Stay strong Grand Manan <3 

I Do Not Feel Whole

Here I am again, writing another late night blog post to ease my mind in hopes of getting some rest. My mind and soul have been extremely restless and uneasy for the past couple of weeks. There are many things that are the roots of it, but I'm not here to write a lengthy complaint. I would like to say again that this blog is a release for me. I love my life and I'm so happy, but writing out my worries and troubles seems to bring some comfort, so I plan to write a happier post sometime! Haha 

Lately my mind, body and soul have literally felt like there is a piece of me missing. That piece is art. My desire to create is so great inside me, but my exhaustion, discouragement and stress keeps it from coming to the surface. I literally yurn for a time when I will be able to make art whether it be in photography of craft form, and not have so many things in my way. I know this time may never come and I will find a way to work around it all, but I lay in my bed so tired, just wanting to sleep and at the same time I want to get up and do what I really want to do.

I love my fulltime job. I love the kids I take care of and despite our daily arguments I love the lovely bunch of ladies I work with. But a lot of my stress and resentment always comes from my job. Not the job itself, but the amount of time it takes from my life. I need it to provide for myself, I need money, but it leaves me very little time after I take care of my other responsibilities, to have any time or energy to be creative. And that can make me grumpy. And then I get upset about how much the world runs on money and I could go on forever. 

I just want to write alittle something to remind myself that it will be okay. Everything comes at it's own time and although I may not have everything I want right now. I have everything I need and I will continue to receive more as it is meant to happen. You will be able to do what you desire someday soon, it's just not meant to be yet. Be patient and kind while you wait and you will be rewarded. 

On a higher note, I've got 3 of 6 quotes for my studio. Hoping to have the rest and hit the bank next week. I really want to get this studio accomplished this summer/fall/beforewinterhits haha 

Stay positive, happy, healthy and artistic! 

Learning To Say No

One of my biggest weaknesses is knowing when to say the word NO. I seriously believe I will probably die from stress from taking on so many things that I don't need to do, all because I was afraid or too shy to say NO or I didn't want to disappoint someone or hurt someone's feelings by saying NO. Instead I suffer for it myself and say yes. Sure I'm all optimistic about it at first, I can conquer the world right? Then a couple weeks pass and it's actually time to follow through with it and what happens? I realize I have seven other things I need to be done today along with that added thing I couldn't say NO to, plus maybe one of two other things I couldn't say NO to. Now comes the time to have a mental breakdown because my plate is FULL, it's over flowing. 

When I'm having a really hard time with all the different, overwhelming thing that are going on in my life at the same time, I try to be positive and say, "it's okay, this isn't bad, this just means your life is full and has lots of meaning." Well there are times when you have to stop being positive and start being realistic. I can't do everything and I can't please everyone and I HAVE to learn to say NO! Yes it is all my problem, when I have to cancel things and disappoint someone or make them upset with me. I should have just said NO in the first place and saved a little less disappointment or anger towards me. But sometimes I can't see how messy and full my life is going to be a few weeks in the future, so I say yes. 

Today has not been my day, it's been very disappointing. One things after another just goes wrong, yes one of those lovely days. I want to crawl into a hole in my bed and sleep until it's over so that nothing else can go wrong, but I feel that because it is only 2:30 in the afternoon, that this is only the beginning of my bad day. Not because I am being negative, but because I have a gut feeling. 

Back to learning how to say NO, this has been an ongoing issue most of my life and here I am going to vow to TRY my HARDEST to say NO from now on, when it is needed. I want to do everything, but mentally, emotionally, financially and time wise I can't do everything. But my want to do it and my need to people please, blurts of YES's left and right. I'm tired of feeling like I am drowning and it's all because of myself taking on things I shouldn't take on. 

I love my life, even though close friends and family might hear my curse it. But I do have a good, full live that I am fighting to make better and better everyday. I just tend to cram as much into it as possible and end up overwhelmed, stressed, and crying in a corner alone on the phone to my mother. Who cannot fix everything, where I am left to make tough decisions that I usually hate making and could have been solved by saying NO to begin with. 

This was a short blog for me, but really it was just to make me feel better and to stop me from panicking about how my day has been going. Writing it out always seems to calm me down and give me a worldly sense that I am probably not the only one that has felt this way or the only one that even feels this way right at this moment. It sucks, but it's all a learning experience. 

Keep saying NO, when you need to. Don't overwhelm yourself and try to look weeks or month into the future before you say YES to something, chances are things aren't going to be a peachy as they are the day you are faced with question of if you can or can't do something. 

What Keeps Me Awake

This will hopefully just be a short post to get a few things off my brain so I can hopefully get some sleep. I'm exhausted but my brain just doesn't want to shut down at the moment. I've been really bothered all day by the heavy, grey stress cloud that seems to be growing and looming over me more and more these days. Maybe some of it is self inflicted and I can't change much of it so I'm trying to be optimistic and productive about it all, but it's hard. Some days I just want to shake my fist at the sky and send the day in self pity, stuffing my face with junk food. That's what today was for me the evening was productive but this morning and afternoon for hangover soothing from going out with friends the night before because lately I have been feeling like a hermit, but if I go out I feel guilty that I'm not being productive and I beat myself up for it the next day. I've decided that tomorrow I'm going to make a couple big "life webs" I don't think it's a real thing but I'm going to see what I can do with it. I'm a visual learner, I need things where I can see them so I want to map out the major tasks of my life and it's near future. 

A friend/client granted me with what I considered a huge compliment this weekend by saying how much of an independent woman I was and that she couldn't do all that I do, and definitely not alone. And as proud as it made me feel, it also struck a cord for me. I thanked her kindly but reassured her I had plenty of help from my mother, because she does everything she can to help me, and I also informed her I'm not a solid, independent rock that I may come off to be. Yes, I pull myself together, but most days I'm a complete wreck. A body full of stress and tears. 

I don't want to be doing this alone, and by no means would I actually enter a relationship with intent on the financial help, but not having enough time or enough money is my biggest struggle right now and I miss the extra help. I can do it alone and I am proving a lot to myself, but it's shitty and hard and I don't like it. I don't like what the stress does to my mental and emotional health. On a daily basis this is just an average list of the things I have to get done or atleast touch base on. 

- my fulltime job (9-5) 

- my business 

- my house (housework)

- my studio reno 

- my animals (all 27 of them) 

- my everyday chores, errands, etc

- & the random other things on my plate like a photo class or helping a friend or whatever it may be. 

- oh and the social life I still try to have.

There just isn't enough time to go around for everything I have going on. Each one of those categories listed I can break down into about 10 subcategories as well. It's a lot to have on my mind all the time. And yes please don't shy from giving my compliments on how well I do, but it all comes with a price. I feel like I'm drowning in my own life, because I fight so hard to have what I want that it really don't get to enjoy it, I'm living on the hopes that in the next couple years all this stress and work will pay off, but it's a gamble. 

I think I should be able to sleep now. 

Goodnight world <3 

The Most Profound Relationship

I'm going to start off by saying being single is just as much of a journey as any relationship. I've been single now for almost 4 months. Which isn't the longest time, but this time I made the promise to myself and my ex that this would be it. It's hard and we are actually trying the "on good terms" and "being friends" thing, but it's hard. We're mostly past the hard feelings of it all, but how can you be just friends with someone that you invested 7 years of your life to loving them and planning a future with them and then deciding it's not the best for either of you? It's hard not to hug or kiss him out of habit, but I am glad to have him back in my life. I miss him in those relationship ways but I do not miss our old relationship. There was much more bad than good there. 

My first confession is that the other times we broke up (up to a year in length) I never actually promised myself to stay away, I falsely did, but deep down I knew it wasn't a real promise and I also still harboured a great deal of emotion for him and our relationship that I no longer find inside myself. There is some but not enough that I can't push it away and remind myself that I can't go through it again. 

So, how do I be "single" again? I had this person that I invested my time, energy and emotion into, where do I put it now? Who do I trust the same way I trusted them? How do I trust at all after I couldn't trust the closest person to me? How do I make a new future? How do I forget the one we planned together? Where do I find people that I can even remotely be interested in, on a relationship level and not just a "damn,you're fucking sexy, let's bang and never speak again" level. Because I know where I can find lots of those but have met very, very few of the people I would be interested in being in a relationship with. Let's face it, it's hard.

I never thought I would be saying any of these things. Because 1. I thought we would work it out and be together forever and 2. I feel like people in their mid 30's say these things. I'm 23, but I've had one boyfriend and it was sheer dumb luck that we started dating, so I have no idea how to meet/date/get to know anyone. And better yet how to even trust anyone enough to get to know them, to invest anymore of my time in someone. It's scary. I'm scared. 

Another concept I'm having such a hard time with is, should I even be worried about all this? Or should I just throw it all into the wind and let what is supposed to happen, happen? Will my knight in shining armor just bump into me someday? What if I'm either so untrusting that I don't give him the time of day or what if I have no idea how to talk to him and he gets bored and decides I'm my worth the effort. Because believe me, my level of crazy some days scares me so bad that I think "no man is going to want to deal with this." So again, should I be worried or should I just go on living my life and learning to love myself, letting fate will have it's way and hopeful I won't die as a crazy, old cat lady? 

My goal is to love myself more, get to know me more and make myself the person I want to be. But isn't that a life long journey too? It's hard and scary, if I had a partner, someone just as invest in the future I want, striving for the same things, it would be so much easier. Finding the person that wants those same things and wants to work as hard to get them, isn't so easy. So for the most part I'm okay with being alone right now. But having another person working and providing another income would be so appreciated right now haha donations can me left in my porch if you feel sorry enough for me. I want to be who I want to be, but not to lonely. I know I will get over it and I know when I am being a big baby about it. I can do it alone, emotionally, mentally and financially. 

Keeping up the house, working full time, building a company on the side while still trying to work that company part time and maybe trying to have a social life, leads to such an overwhelming life that I can't explain how much I want to cry each day. But I'm being positive, my life is so full it's over flowing. I love it, I just wish my stress level was better equipt for it. I want nothing more than to invest all my time and energy into my business but it's too big of a risk to leave my fulltime job, this is where that second person called a partner with a second income to make sure the bills got paid, would come in handy. But it's not there so things go a little slower and a lot more bumpier. I will achieve it all though, just not right away. 

Being single again is a journey, you have to find out who you are apart from a person that was so much you're everyday life that you would think of them as a limb attached to you. Being single is like losing a limb, it's gone now, and so badly you want it back or want to replace it so you can keep going as you always did but the smart and healthy way to go is to learn how to live without it and find the new you. The stronger, wiser you. 

<3 here's to hoping I'm finding myself the right way this time. 

Stay happy people :) 

She Reminded Us How To Live

On Sunday night, July 13th 2014 the world lost a magnificent girl. A girl that lived to the fullest, a true gem that we are all mourning the loss of. I live in a small community that can have it's downfalls but when a tragedy such as this happens, Grand Manan makes up for everything. Every person puts aside there differences and comes together to help one another. In this case it was to help the grieving friends and families of Danielle Park. I didn't know her well, but knew her from extended family events, she was a second cousin and in my family second cousins are actually quite close. But she was 5 year younger so the age made it less likely that we were to know each other well. I regret that. Don't we all in these cases? What I do know is that she was radiant, determined, motivated and just plain amazing.

It all started sunday night when my mother called me in a panic, her boyfriend is on the fire department and a call came in about a car crash. It's like a web, everyone calls everyone to make sure they're okay and when those calls go unanswered it's full panic mode. She was rushing to the scene, taking dave his truck and of course the accident was in a dead cell zone. I was out of the loop as everyone else. It was awful. Bits and pieces of information get scattered from person to person, and just like a rumour, each person adds their own bit of excitement to it. You never really know what the truth is until someone calls from the scene or the hospital. It was a very long 5 hours of waiting for the correct news. We knew one of the 5 teens involved in the crash were no longer with us. Waiting for find out who is so painful, and half of you doesn't want to know or even acknowledge that it's happening. Danielle's name had been flying about the evening, but no one really wanted it to be confirmed, it couldn't be her.
That night I had so many people looking to me for the answers about the scene, it reminded me of the night George went missing at sea. All the calls and messages. The most familiar thing about it for me was the feeling. That blank, shock state. Calm, too calm. I almost felt heartless and had to keep reminding myself that it will hit me, just not right now. I had to tell a couple family members and a friends about the news. I sat and listened while they cried and asked the rhetorical question "are you kidding me?" when they already knew I wasn't, how could I? But it's just one of those unbelievable things, unimaginable and unexpected. It takes your breath away or sends you into a dream like state of disbelief, more like a nightmare, but you start questioning what is real and what isn't. This can't be real right? But it was. I still sit here writing this, 4 days later and I'm waiting to wake up, to snap out of it and have her back in the life that we all believe she should be living, the one that she fought so hard for. She was radiant in all her glory. So I've let myself come to terms with the fact that maybe that's what she was supposed to teach us. She loved so hard and I don't think our community has felt this much love for one another as we have for the past 4 days.

I know for a fact that Danielle's death will not be for nothing. She has already taught us so much and the community coming together to celebrate her life and mourn her loss has been an eye opener for many. Like I said it didn't hit me at first, I remained calm, shedding a couple tears the night of the accident and the next day I made it most of the way through. It wasn't until I was walking up the driveway to Mike and Tammy's that I thought, she's gone and I never really made the effort to get to know her. I felt guilty stepping into their house for the first time and on such awful terms. I was met at the door by Michael, I've admired him my whole life. He made an effort to speak every time he seen me, calling me trouble or making some sort of witty remark, always putting a smile on my face. Danielle must have gotten her goofiness from him. I've never been a hugger, maybe it's because I tend to put walls around myself in fear of letting people in or maybe its the fear of awkwardness if someone doesn't want that hug, either way I think I'm over that fear. Michael met me at the door and my first instinct was to open my arms and comfort him. I've never felt someone else's emotions in myself as much as I did in that hug. If I could have taken all his suffering from him at that point and bared them myself I would have. I didn't want that hug to end until he didn't have any pain left. My heart broke, because I knew I would never be able to actually save him from all his hurt. That is the most meaningful hug I have felt and I wept, wept hard. I did have to let go, but the hugs just kept coming. Tammy, oh such a brave, strong mother, tried to comfort me. Yes me, here I was coming to comfort her after her loss and she still has strength to keep giving to those around her. An amazing women and no doubt where Danielle inherited her compassion. Then there was Hunter, so torn, so confused, so broken by the loss of his big sister. Yet he still kept hugging and comforting his mother, not letting her forget what a great job she did raising Danielle. I didn't want to let him go either. I didn't want to let any of them go. I wanted nothing but to take all their pain from them, they are such a loving happy family, that seeing them go through such torment, ripped at all our hearts. But everyone wanted to take their pain away and none of us could do a thing. There were no words, no amount of hugs, no surplus of home baked goods that could make this loss any easier or turn back time to change it all. But each word, each hug, each kind gesture in the form of a cookie or flowers was a comfort to them.

I can't even begin to touch on the visitings and the service. They were all magnificent and the whole community came together to make sure this family never had to feel alone. I'm proud to be from Grand Manan and I'm proud that Danielle lived her, that her family and this community made her what she was. She taught so many people around her how to love while she was with them, and she made so many people realize from her passing that love conquers all.

I have realized from Danielle's death that life is too short. Yes I've known that, we all have, but this past week, it's really sunk in. We don't know when our time is going to be, so we need to live it in the most kind, caring, motivated, determined and loving way we can. Danielle was a star, she fought so hard to be the best she could in what ever she did. She gave it her all, in school, on the court, being a great friend, being kind to everyone, bringing joy to those who needed it and the list could continue. Danielle has inspired me to stop worrying about the little things and start looking at the bigger picture. Life is too short to not live it for all it's worth.

I wish I had taken the time to know you better Dani, you are truly an amazing inspiration to the world and you've touched and changed the lives of so many. Rest easy, until we all get to see you once again. I was never one for ball, but when I get up there you'll have to teach me. We all love you more than you could have ever imaged.

Sleep Sweet #9, Forever in Our Hearts <3

Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place

So at least 7 or 8 months have passed since I used this blog. Probably because I forget it exists or I barely have time to wipe my ass some days. I've been thinking about jumping back on the blog wagon a lot lately, but in all honesty it actually overwhelms me to think of adding it to my list if a million things to remember to do. Which I'm sad about, because I loved blogging and that fact that just thinking about it stresses me out, depresses me. I'm trying to hard to be happy these days and it wouldn't be so hard if I didn't have medication fighting with my happy feelings inside my brain. But that's a long story and only tempory, so someday I will be back to normal. Until then I have to try a bit more to keep the bad feelings at bay, which doesn't always work. 

Having trouble staying positive and happy is only a portion of my troubles lately. Not that I'm using this blog to complain, but more as to release and maybe come to a conclusion while writing. I've been feeling a lot like a trapped animal lately. I feel cornered which makes me frustrated and lash out, I'm confused about what move to make next and exhausted from trying to make the decision. Going from one possible solution to another, but none seem to be secure enough to take the risk. I feel like if I take the leap and try to escape what's trapping me. I'm only going to walk about injured with no way to fix it, and no way back even to the saftey of that small corner. 

That small corner is my life, I'm trapped by money, bills and time, and I want to escape to my personal business, but the risk is too great being alone with so many responsibilities to look after alone. What if I can't make enough income to cover all my expenses? What if my business doesn't go as well as I hoped or there's just not enough market for it? I won't have the security of my 9-5 job to go back to and if I stay and try to do both I will either go insane or run myself bone dry trying to get everything done. 

I'm doing both right now, but I'm not doing my business to it's full potential which is what I want to do, but can't because I work a fulltime job and don't feel I can afford the risk of leaving it. Plus I don't have everything I need to continue building up my company and that all takes money. Which I can't make into I have some of those assets, so I need to work my 9-5 in order to make the money to live and save for the things I need for my personal company. 

I'm stuck between continuing doing both which is causing me to have weekly mental breakdowns or finding the right solution with the right about of security to take the leap and plunge into my business. 

Everyday I'm finding myself more and more jealous of women with husbands that bring home money to pay the mortgage and bills and feed their families,  while they can start their business without such a risk of losing everything because they have a second income. And here I am juggling everything at the age of 22, trying my hardest to get my company up and running and keep myself out of the psych ward. I have a great suport team behind me, but I don't have that extra income. I mean I do because I'm working that fulltime job but it means my business also suffers and I have no extra time. I work 9-5 and come home maybe get something to eat and then 6-11 I do my business. I barely have time to take care of the 27 animals on the property or the house that I own. Laundry and dishes and cat hair consume my house most of the week and forget about a social life, I cut that out a month ago. Thank God, Jo looks after animals and some of the house work. 

I find it very hard to have all these issues on my brain 24/7 and then add having the time to prepare healthy food to eat of fit exercise in...it just doesn't happen right now. Not because I don't want to or I'm making excuses but because if I try to fit anything else into my life I will crack and after much more, surely I will break. 

Trying to keep a positive attitude and a happy demeanor while feeling like a trapped, confused and frustrated animal is very hard. I'm sure there are many of you that have felt this way in your life, maybe for other reasons for not being able to make a decision about something because you are trapped my money or time or the risks are too high. It sucks and I can relate to you. I know everything will work out fine in the end, but the mental and emotional anguish of getting to that point can be so overwhelming at times and it can make you feel very alone. 

Well you aren't alone, I'm here in that hard place. 

Stay strong and keep pushing forward!