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Tuesday, 22 July 2014

The Most Profound Relationship

I'm going to start off by saying being single is just as much of a journey as any relationship. I've been single now for almost 4 months. Which isn't the longest time, but this time I made the promise to myself and my ex that this would be it. It's hard and we are actually trying the "on good terms" and "being friends" thing, but it's hard. We're mostly past the hard feelings of it all, but how can you be just friends with someone that you invested 7 years of your life to loving them and planning a future with them and then deciding it's not the best for either of you? It's hard not to hug or kiss him out of habit, but I am glad to have him back in my life. I miss him in those relationship ways but I do not miss our old relationship. There was much more bad than good there. 

My first confession is that the other times we broke up (up to a year in length) I never actually promised myself to stay away, I falsely did, but deep down I knew it wasn't a real promise and I also still harboured a great deal of emotion for him and our relationship that I no longer find inside myself. There is some but not enough that I can't push it away and remind myself that I can't go through it again. 

So, how do I be "single" again? I had this person that I invested my time, energy and emotion into, where do I put it now? Who do I trust the same way I trusted them? How do I trust at all after I couldn't trust the closest person to me? How do I make a new future? How do I forget the one we planned together? Where do I find people that I can even remotely be interested in, on a relationship level and not just a "damn,you're fucking sexy, let's bang and never speak again" level. Because I know where I can find lots of those but have met very, very few of the people I would be interested in being in a relationship with. Let's face it, it's hard.
I never thought I would be saying any of these things. Because 1. I thought we would work it out and be together forever and 2. I feel like people in their mid 30's say these things. I'm 23, but I've had one boyfriend and it was sheer dumb luck that we started dating, so I have no idea how to meet/date/get to know anyone. And better yet how to even trust anyone enough to get to know them, to invest anymore of my time in someone. It's scary. I'm scared. 

Another concept I'm having such a hard time with is, should I even be worried about all this? Or should I just throw it all into the wind and let what is supposed to happen, happen? Will my knight in shining armor just bump into me someday? What if I'm either so untrusting that I don't give him the time of day or what if I have no idea how to talk to him and he gets bored and decides I'm my worth the effort. Because believe me, my level of crazy some days scares me so bad that I think "no man is going to want to deal with this." So again, should I be worried or should I just go on living my life and learning to love myself, letting fate will have it's way and hopeful I won't die as a crazy, old cat lady? 

My goal is to love myself more, get to know me more and make myself the person I want to be. But isn't that a life long journey too? It's hard and scary, if I had a partner, someone just as invest in the future I want, striving for the same things, it would be so much easier. Finding the person that wants those same things and wants to work as hard to get them, isn't so easy. So for the most part I'm okay with being alone right now. But having another person working and providing another income would be so appreciated right now haha donations can me left in my porch if you feel sorry enough for me. I want to be who I want to be, but not to lonely. I know I will get over it and I know when I am being a big baby about it. I can do it alone, emotionally, mentally and financially. 

Keeping up the house, working full time, building a company on the side while still trying to work that company part time and maybe trying to have a social life, leads to such an overwhelming life that I can't explain how much I want to cry each day. But I'm being positive, my life is so full it's over flowing. I love it, I just wish my stress level was better equipt for it. I want nothing more than to invest all my time and energy into my business but it's too big of a risk to leave my fulltime job, this is where that second person called a partner with a second income to make sure the bills got paid, would come in handy. But it's not there so things go a little slower and a lot more bumpier. I will achieve it all though, just not right away. 

Being single again is a journey, you have to find out who you are apart from a person that was so much you're everyday life that you would think of them as a limb attached to you. Being single is like losing a limb, it's gone now, and so badly you want it back or want to replace it so you can keep going as you always did but the smart and healthy way to go is to learn how to live without it and find the new you. The stronger, wiser you. 

<3 here's to hoping I'm finding myself the right way this time. 

Stay happy people :) 

1 comment:

  1. Proud of you!
    I am in the process of dating myself and it is the rockiest relationship I have been in yet! Lol