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Sunday, 27 July 2014

What Keeps Me Awake

This will hopefully just be a short post to get a few things off my brain so I can hopefully get some sleep. I'm exhausted but my brain just doesn't want to shut down at the moment. I've been really bothered all day by the heavy, grey stress cloud that seems to be growing and looming over me more and more these days. Maybe some of it is self inflicted and I can't change much of it so I'm trying to be optimistic and productive about it all, but it's hard. Some days I just want to shake my fist at the sky and send the day in self pity, stuffing my face with junk food. That's what today was for me the evening was productive but this morning and afternoon for hangover soothing from going out with friends the night before because lately I have been feeling like a hermit, but if I go out I feel guilty that I'm not being productive and I beat myself up for it the next day. I've decided that tomorrow I'm going to make a couple big "life webs" I don't think it's a real thing but I'm going to see what I can do with it. I'm a visual learner, I need things where I can see them so I want to map out the major tasks of my life and it's near future. 
A friend/client granted me with what I considered a huge compliment this weekend by saying how much of an independent woman I was and that she couldn't do all that I do, and definitely not alone. And as proud as it made me feel, it also struck a cord for me. I thanked her kindly but reassured her I had plenty of help from my mother, because she does everything she can to help me, and I also informed her I'm not a solid, independent rock that I may come off to be. Yes, I pull myself together, but most days I'm a complete wreck. A body full of stress and tears. 
I don't want to be doing this alone, and by no means would I actually enter a relationship with intent on the financial help, but not having enough time or enough money is my biggest struggle right now and I miss the extra help. I can do it alone and I am proving a lot to myself, but it's shitty and hard and I don't like it. I don't like what the stress does to my mental and emotional health. On a daily basis this is just an average list of the things I have to get done or atleast touch base on. 
- my fulltime job (9-5) 
- my business 
- my house (housework)
- my studio reno 
- my animals (all 27 of them) 
- my everyday chores, errands, etc
- & the random other things on my plate like a photo class or helping a friend or whatever it may be. 
- oh and the social life I still try to have.

There just isn't enough time to go around for everything I have going on. Each one of those categories listed I can break down into about 10 subcategories as well. It's a lot to have on my mind all the time. And yes please don't shy from giving my compliments on how well I do, but it all comes with a price. I feel like I'm drowning in my own life, because I fight so hard to have what I want that it really don't get to enjoy it, I'm living on the hopes that in the next couple years all this stress and work will pay off, but it's a gamble. 

I think I should be able to sleep now. 
Goodnight world <3 

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