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Sunday, 22 September 2013

Let's Play Catch Up No.1 - My New Found Thug Family

Let's Play Catch Up 

I'm not going to tell you everything that has happened over the last 4 months, but I will hit the major points and exciting bits. 
I'll start with the ones that are listed just because it will get me thinking and from there, it will be very hard to stop writing.

1. My New Found Thug Family

As some of you may know I bought a house last year. Literally it has been 1 year and 2 days since I moved in. WILD, it just seems so unreal to me. I've had alot of ups and downs since then. When I first moved in it was Justin, Jackson and I. Things were rough and Justin and I had alot of problems and throwing a third person into the mix didn't help things. Jackson ended up moving out and then I ended up leaving Justin for reasons that weren't that I didn't love him - obviously because we are giving it another go - but because of issues he had to take care of on his own. 
I lived through a hard winter of bouncing back and forth from mom's house and my house. Mom and I stuck close by each other through Georges death and being laid off. I got a taste of real life last winter and man, do I ever hope this winter is much better. I don't usually get overwhelmed by the emotions of last winter, but even talking about it now, brings a couple tears to my eyes. 

Then in May I took on a border/roommate. Greg moved in and it helped keep me at my own house instead of bouncing between families houses, plus it really helped with the bills. Before he moved in I had no job, no money, and tons of bills. But I got through it. 
Then came summer and my thug brother Joel had been around the house alot lately. He's who I used to refer to as my biobro, really being my first cousin but him and his brother jackson are the closest things I have to siblings, so at heart they are my brothers. We decided that he could get out of his moms for the summer and make my barn loft into a bedroom space. So he did and it's almost October and he's still here and still in the barn. Brrr. 
Not long after Joel was around, I started talking to Justin again and as we never take things slow and we pretty much pick up where we left off. He was "moved in" by July. He doesn't take up much space though, except most of the bed... he's definitely a bed hog. 

About a month ago my old roomie and best friend, Joanie, Jo as I call her, came to stay here at what I've begun to call Thug Mansion - due to the pumping rap music that you can usually hear around here and the attitudes that most of the boys found here have - for a couple of weeks on her vacation. It was just like it used to be, having her around reminded us both of what living together used to be like. I miss her terrible and we live together so well. After talking alot about her being in fredericton, with no family and a small amount of friends that she didn't hang out with too often. I said "Why are you there? you aren't happy there, you don't like your job, you have no close family there, no support system. I moved home almost two years ago and Lisa (her other best friend in the city) just moved out west. Why are you there? Why are you working a job at the Dollarama, when you went to school to be so much more? You are working there, just so you can pay your bills to live in an apartment with people that you don't really know, to live in a city that is just supposed to be "better" for you than the country life. Because there are supposed to be more opportunities, but if you aren't happy...why not take the opportunity to be happy and move home to the people that love you and will support you." I don't think it was said as well as I just wrote it, but it was something along the lines of that, probably with a bit more profanity, but the same idea. So she moved home last sunday night and went back to the city to get all of her things and was officially moved in yesterday. I could rant about city vs country forever so I'm not going to get into things too deeply. Point is alot of people were against her decision, but we're all for it and we'll make it through, atleast if we can't afford heat, all five of us can cuddle together for warmth. But if I can afford to keep myself going, with no job and no help, then I think the five of us will be fine. 

I grew up alone. That sounds so depressing, because I had my mother and father, but no siblings. So I think I surround myself with people because it's like having the big family I always wanted when I was little. Don't get me wrong I LOVED my single child lifestyle. I've never been big on sharing, but adult siblings are fun, they won't take your toys half as much! but they still will take your food haha. As much as we can all get on each others nerves, we're like a family. We get over it and move on. We have days where we all stay in our separate rooms, days where we all pitch in to get something done like building a chicken coop or just cleaning the house, and days where we all sit down and watch a movie or a tv show together, or have a couple drinks, listen to music and talk. It's sad to say but I don't have many friend outside this Thug Family of ours. We all have our weaknesses and we all have our strengths, when you put us all together we work pretty great. 

Don't think the crowed fun ends with just people! We're all cat people. I have Calliopie and Vesper from when I moved out of my mothers, then when I first got the house Justin and I took in a very flea infested kitten, Phoebe - now flea free. Just before Christmas and just before our break-up, we adopted a special needs kitten, Miles. So four cats would be enough right? Some might think so, but it just happens I like cats more than people, so when Greg asked me if he could get a kitten, how could I say no? Mary-Jane made 5 cats at Thug Mansion. When Justin and I got back together, I seen all the kitens at his house and thought - I need a barn cat to keep the mice away. I do have mice, but I don't have a barn cat. Penelope was half wild when we brought her to my house, she was used to living outside, but was wanted to keep her in the house for a bit so she'd know where her new house was and to tame her up a bit. Turns outs Justin thought she was too cute and she couldn't be a barn cat, we're better off getting a male barn cat. So Penny made 6 cats at Thug Mansion. Then came Dexter, Joanie's cat. And I am still left with no barn kitty. Although there is a stray that hangs around the house. A total of 7 cats, one for each day of the week, live at Thug Mansion with 5 people. 
I would hate to leave out that I have a giant rabbit, Mayor and 6 laying hens - Miss Maudie, Miss Blanche, Miss Calpurnia, Miss Minnie, Miss Emilee and Miss Etta. And that's still not all, we ordered 12 more laying hens that I will need to get in the next couple of weeks. So expect a full Chicken Blog Post soon. Then there is Tinka, my pomeranian, who has gotten very comfy at her Grandmothers house, but needs to move back to Thug Mansion to make it all complete.

Total Being: 

18 Laying Hens
  7 Cats
  5 People
  1 Rabbit
  1 Dog 

All of these pets and people make up Thug Mansion, soon to be even more expanded in the Spring. We all agree with the self sufficient lifestyle and I've always wanted a farm! Just another reason we all work together to make it happen :) 

Here are some photos of the residents 

Joel aka Thug Dawg


Miss Maudie <3 she's the beauty 

Miss Emilee (red) and Miss Calpurnia (black)

Miss Blanche

Miss Etta

Miss Blanche, crazy old Blanche.

Justin and the chicks

Thug Dawg and the Ladies
Miles my CH kitty <3 

Miss Emilee - The mean chicken of the bunch.
Me and Tinka
Justin and I 
Jo and I 

Stay Happy and Positive :) 

Is It Really Almost October?

So I don't really know why I feel so bad about not writing, probably just because I haven't had the therapy of it and it's a self guilt thing, because I have 13 followers and pretty much force people I know to read my stuff by posting it on facebook. But all the same I still feel bad that I've neglected my blog and feel SO overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I feel like I have to catch my blog up on, as if it's a person that I haven't seen in months and they need to know every little life detail.

I'll start off with some of the major changes in my life that I would like to talk about in the next couple posts, so that I don't forget about them.

Major Topics

  1. My New Found Thug Family - People and Animals Included
  2. Work - Fulltime and Photography
  3. The Simple Life - What I Want For My Future and The Changes I Want To Make 
  4. Oh Yeah, I'm Back With My Ex - But We Love Him So That's Okay
  5. Time To Get Healthy and Organized

I originally started writing this post awhile ago, probably about a month and I am just getting back to it now. I'm not quite sure why I feel guilty not writing, with all my 13 followers, but I guess it's more about letting things out of my head then getting people to read what I have to say. I am a stressed person, I stress over everything and while I wish I could be a carefree, worry free just doesn't work. I have gotten better. I live in a house with 4 other people and my OCD has to take a back seat. I only half worry about how the towels are folded or what glasses are put on what shelf. Mainly, because I have bigger things to worry about.

I'm going to make a post for each one of the topics above, because even those 5 things is going to be an extremely long blog post, so it would be better for them to be separate :) And I may not be able to write all 5 today!

Sunday, 1 September 2013

I Have Faith In Love

The title of this blog, may lead you to believe that you are about to read a very long post, passionately constructed for the love of my life. In a way maybe you could say that but this post is actually inspired by a very powerful argument with my boyfriend. An argument about religion.

Most of you probably thought "oh shit, where is the escape button, get me out of here." Religion is such a touchy subject for people, especially where I live. It's actually possible that because of these beliefs, my beliefs that I am about to express to you all, will cause me great grief. That people will look at me differently or cause people to feel less about me or hatred towards me. But they're mine, they are my beliefs, I do not push them on other people, I will express them, but I will not tell someone that my beliefs should be there beliefs too, that my beliefs are the "right beliefs" or that your beliefs are wrong. I just have a set of beliefs that I hope will bring me eternal peace at the end of my life on earth. That my God will accept me and reward me for my time on earth and how I handed it, because lets face it, life is no walk in the part for any of us. Oh, and I'm going to try to cut down on how many times I say beliefs from now on.

Where I grew up, in a small town, there are 10 churches that I can name off the top of my head right now. There could be more operational ones that I'm not thinking of, and there definitely has been more. All of these churches are christian churches. Christianity is the main religion of my home town. Christianity is a religion, that I am sure most of you are familiar with. I grew up in an Anglican Church, surrounded by christians, my fathers family and my mothers family are christians and I too grew up a christian. I don't use this label anymore. I am not religious, but I am spiritual and I do believe in God. I don't believe that Christianity trumps Buddhism or Judaism. I do not believe that any one religion is the "right" religion. I believe in God. I believe there are many stories about God. I believe that God is in us all. God is good, God is kind, God is generous and God is Love.
I also believe in the Devil. I believe is Good vs. Evil, Love vs. Hate. I believe that God is Love and the Devil is Hate. You can not have good without evil, positive without negative, you will never live in a world with only love and no hate. There is a balance, you can't have one without it's opposite.

I'll fill you in on the argument I had with my boyfriend. I said I really wanted to stop using the word "Gay" and "Faggot" in negative way and he looked at me as if I were crazy and said "Why?! It is wrong, so it is negative." I do not believe that we get to judge whether someone elses love is right or wrong. I believe Love is good, the kind of love that causes no harm, that is unconditional and true. I do not believe that because two people are the same gender that they can't have a true and pure love. That God will punish them for being able to find some sort of Love in this world that is so full of hate.

Here is a run down of who my God is, he might sound just like the God you know, you might not agree that that is who your God is, but that is okay because we all have different beliefs. This is the God that I choose to live under:

God is:

  1. Good
  2. Love
  3. Generous
  4. Kind
  5. Understanding
  6. Comforting
  7. Accepting
  8. Truth
  9. Positive
  10. Hope
All these characteristics are how I believe that my God wishes people to be. I believe is a God that is all these things and only these things, because he is perfect and he created us in his image, or with the power to be his image. Because yes God created us, but God is not alone, He may be the light, but there is always darkness, a shadow. 

The Devil is:

  1. Evil
  2. Hate
  3. Selfish
  4. Cruel
  5. Close-minded
  6. Hurtful
  7. Judgmental
  8. Lies
  9. Negative
  10. Doubt
All these characteristics are how I believe that the Devil wishes people to be. I believe he influences us with these characteristics, I believe that he is the wrong in the world. 

Now this is where is gets kind of tricky, because my boyfriend would say, well a meth head "loves" to do meth, does that make it right? No, it doesn't. God believes in a Love that is not at the expense of ourselves or others. Meth harms ourselves, a meth addict is influenced by selfishness, a characteristic of The Devil, into thinking/believing that they "love" meth or need it. Meth also harms the ones we love, the ones that care about us, again harm, cruelty and selfishness are not characteristics of the God that I believe in. 

Now for the hard discussion, the discussion that always creates a tension between my boyfriend and I, and many other people that I see everyday. Is Gay Love wrong? Is it a sin? Is it evil? 
In my belief system, no it's not evil. Love is a characteristic of God. A woman loving another woman or a man loving another man, isn't evil. It isn't causing someone else pain, not saying that their family members may not hurt because of it, because of how they were raised and how their belief system was built. But set religion aside, if you love someone you are kind, you are generous, you are understanding, if your love is true, it doesn't matter what gender either of you are. I believe that my God is a God that believes is finding love in a world fuelled by hatred. I feel as if our world is polluted with judgement, hatred and cruelty, so if we somehow find a true, unconditional love, that God is not going to punish anyone for that. 

Am I Gay? No, I love my boyfriend, but I can't say that if hatred came between us that I would never fall in love with someone of the same gender. I want to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend. I love him very much, we have been through a lot and when we push away from each other we are like magnets that pull each other back in. I'm saying that it's not that it is impossible that I would never be "gay." 

Lately I have been struggling with a life style change similar to this blog post. I'v been trying my very hardest to fill my life with characteristics of the God I choose to believe in. This God could be the same God you believe to be your christian God, or Buddist God. But to me, he is just God, he had no ONE religion, he is a spiritual being that lives within us all. He is the Good, the Light, the Truth. 
I don't believe Him to be just a metaphor for life either, so may say well if you have no religion how can you believe in God? Well because I just believe that he lives inside us all and that he is the "good" half of opposites. I don't believe he has any characteristics of The Devil. 
One of the main reasons I have chosen not to believe in religions because their God's have "punishments" or their God's are selfish, or their God's discriminate against a true love because of the similarities in the people affected by said love. I don't want to believe in a God that is going to damn two people who have found something SO hard to find in this world. Not that people go to Hell for one sin or even ten sins in their life, but I chose to believe that my God, feels sadness or grief when he sees a "straight" married couple filled with hatred towards each other and disgust, or when they selfishly damage a love by committing adultery or "cheating." Those things cause harm to other people, "gay" love doesn't harm anyone unless one of the couple inflicts harm or pain onto the other. This would then cause my God the same grief as the "straight" couple did. 

I didn't write this blog in order to push my beliefs on to whoever reads it, I wrote this because I was so inspired by the confusion and pain that I felt after the argument that my boyfriend and I had, that I needed to write it all out. Because in all the reals that I grew up a "christian" I never felt the passion for my beliefs like I did tonight. I laid in bed and cried because I couldn't understand how people could discriminate against a true love, whether it be between two men, two women or a man and a women. It reminds me of when people don't believe in mixed race couples or when calling people "niggers" was acceptable. Lately I have been more conscious and disappointed in myself when I used the word gay or faggot in general conversation, as a describing word that's so easy to use. Just like "nigger" used to be. I really hope that the war on love is beat like the war on black oppression was for the majority. Not everyone will be won over. 
Again these are just my beliefs that I needed to let out of my head before I could fall asleep, otherwise I would have been writing this post over and over in my head. And the sad part is, every time I write a post, I like to leave the link on facebook for people to read, but because of the hatred in the world I fear posting it. Not because I am not proud of my beliefs, but because I feel that they in ways could cause trouble for me with other people in my community. I'm not saying that anyone's beliefs are wrong, I just choose not to share them, I live by my own belief. God surrounds me and fills me, he is my light and my almighty God, but I don't believe him to be a set religion. I do not know other religions, I was not educated in them, there are no places to do that where I live, other than the internet. But I don't NEED to educate myself to know that I believe in the God that I described above. 

I apologize for any discomfort that I have caused any reader, that was not my intention and I don't feel that my beliefs should cause you any harm. I do not believe that if you believe something totally different than me, that your beliefs are wrong, because I have no power to judge that or determine that. I just have faith in my God and you should too, whether it is the God I described above, the christian God, or your own version of him. In the end He gets to judge us and that is the only time we will ever full understand him. 

Stay Happy and True to Yourself <3