Back To Work

This is my first year saying "back to work" instead of "back to school" after the Christmas holidays, I have to say that I much more enjoy going back to work rather than school. But just like it was for school getting back into a routine isn't easy. I almost wish the break wasn't so long yet I wish I had more time now.

After the accident getting back to work was really what I needed, I seriously believe that these kids have magical happy power, because their cuddles, silliness, and even their bad behaviour have a way of making you feel happy again. And then getting back into a routine and having something to do for most of the day really helps and you know the whole payment things really helps after 3 weeks of being broke. Starting a savings fund is really going to have to be a priority this year!

Back to the kids, I only had 2.5 days of work this week, but it felt like a full week because we did so much and had so much fun!

The first day back was really good, I worked the morning, went to the gym for an hour with some friends on my lunch break, which made me soooo energetic in the afternoon at work, I had a late lunch in the classroom which was a salad I thought this might keep the kids out of it, but nope they were all on board the healthy train. When I told them what things were they would say I don't like that and I would be all "WHAT?! These are the best things ever!" and "You have to try it it's just sooooo good"  even if I really didn't care for it myself, because I really want to promote healthy eating with kids because I was WAY to picky as a child. Eventually they were all picking out of my bowl and even though I got half a lunch it was fun having them all try to sit on my lap and crowd around my little salad picking out carrot pieces, radishes and cabbage. Then in the late afternoon the kids and I built a snowman, a small one, but still a snowman. Thursday really wasn't too exciting, but today we were all about the photoshoots and videos. They wanted me to take pictures all day, eventually my phone went dead and around 330 I brought out the mac and we went through all the photos we had taken, watched a couple videos of my kitten and then started to use photobooth.

couldn't keep their little fingers out of it 

blueberry crisp, my FAVORITE snack on my first day back 

helping write some stuff down, she was excited to got to use a real pen

what a character this little guy is, below is him when he got tired. 

My girl, doesn't much care for the snow, she usually picks a place to sit
and stays there until I pick her up.

our poor little snowman

So happy to be back with my main man! 

He got a kick out of leaving slobber marks on my jeans

Bug didn't much care for the loves Jackson wanted to give him lol
#cousinlove

My Big Man and I acting all surprised! 

Love my happy bug! 

Fake laughing

My two boys <3 

We're all about the funny faces

Stay Happy!

There Are No Words

This post will contradict the title.

I wanted to post this while my feelings and thoughts were still on the surface and it will probably take me hours to word correctly. A day or two after something like this happens feelings get muted and numb. Some may wonder, why would you post this now? There must be something better you could be doing, why would you want to remember this? But there isn't anything else I could be doing, except waiting. I probably will get little sleep tonight and this is a way to release my feelings when I am trying to be strong for my family, is also keeps my mind on a steady track in order to collect my thoughts.

Tonight, my mother's boyfriend - i hate this word, it seems so immature and small - her love is what I will consider him in this post, was taken from her tonight, from us. Everyday we forget or put in the back of our minds the dangers of the job that most of our men and woman face.
I come from a small fishing community of Grand Manan Island. My mothers love, was lobster fishing when he went into the water without a sound and in the blink of an eye. There was nothing that could have stopped it or that the men he was with could have done. This was between 4:30pm and 5:30pm. As I write this sentence it is 12:20am Dec 21 2012 and there has been no sign. There is no way that we will ever see him walk through the doors again. The temperature of our oceans water this time of real is beyond breath-takingly cold, it is life-takingly cold, his chance of survival for a couple of hours would have been surprising. It has been 7 hours now. My mother knows that it's over, but she still has hope they may find his body. She is such a strong woman, I can only half image how she feels. George was family to me, but he was her love.

First off I would like to thank our amazing community.
The amount of boats that went to the scene to search for hours in the dark and cold. Except it was anything but dark. The power of over 20 vessels lit up the waters surface, 2 helicopters and countless flares in the sky sent light from above. I heard it looked like a city on the sea searching for a lost man. The search will end in a couple of hours.
Then there are the people from home that are waiting for news just like us. I truly believe that when one of our hearts breaks here on the island at least half of the communities hearts are heavily filled or cracked and broken as well. I want to thank you for all the kind words, thoughts, prayers and hugs from afar.
Second I would like to thank our amazing friends and family. That came to sit with us, cry with us and laugh with us when we don't feel like laughing. I have felt true love from many of my close and distant family members and friends. People I haven't seen in a long time and people I see every day. It is a small community, but with jobs and other everyday life, we drift apart and get caught up in what life is. It saddens me that we only come together at holidays and tragedies, I wish I could feel the amount of love I felt when we were all crammed into one house, everyday.
Third I would like to thank God, for being with all of us affected. I would still like to send an online prayer that you look over my mother and Georges family a few provinces away.

Some may ask why put God third? I have been struggling inside alot with my inner religion and at a time like this it is very hard to understand God's choices and decisions. I know I shouldn't be angry with him but I am. I am angry at many things right now. I remember to thank God and included him because I know everything happens for a reason, that it's all I know. Right now I have so many questions for God I could sit down and interrogate him for all the pain my mother is feeling. So yes how I feel right now, God is third.

It is now 1:30am and the rcmp officer just left our house. There wasn't much he could tell us or anything like that, he came to find out if there were any people we needed help contacting, but we have done the bulk of that ourselves. It was nice to sit with him and talk, even laugh. Most encounters with officers are tense and awkward, but this was friendly and comforting. ( I had to stop writing this post to speak to the police so times could be messed up a bit)

At the beginning of the night, when I first got the call about my mother's love, I thought, "Oh okay, he's fallen over and they've picked him out of the water and they'll sail in and have to take him to the hospital to check him over." With in minutes, those thoughts were hopes and grasps of wishes.

We just got our last call from the Search and Rescue, they have called off the search at 1:47am. I've had to watch my mothers heart break before my eyes. Not physically, but the pain on her face creates a mental picture I will never erase. As I listen to her cry in her room I can't help but wish I could take all her pain away. That I was a sponge that absorbed all sadness, I would rather feel it myself then to see her this way and hear her this way.

I am sad, but I am angry. I am heart broken that my mother has to have the agony of this inside her heart. After finally finding happiness again, she could only enjoy it for a short time before having it stolen from her. I am angry at God and do not understand his "plan" I know I will forgive him and have in ways already, but I am still angry. Like when someone wrongs you, and you forgive them, but you don't forget what they did. I feel my mother has been wronged.

I am angry at the greediness of our world. That these men risk their lives to make a living for their families and put food on our tables and other peoples tables, and people think they make large amounts of money, some do, but not average. The money hungry, top of the pyramid "buyers" make me sick. I feel like my mother's love died for $2.75 - 3.25 a pound. To me that doesn't amount to his life. He loved fishing, but just because he loved it, doesn't make it right that he lost his life for so little. I feel cheated. I feel like making the money hungry "buyers" go fishing on a small boat in the fall. Then ask them what they think they should be paid at the end of the day, or better yet a season.

Tonight, I was even angry at the snow. I hadn't seen much snow until tonight and I wanted the first time I stood outside in the snow to be a happy day. This was not a happy day. As I stood on my doorstep, after gathering my things to stay with my mother, I watched the snow slowly and softly fall from the sky. When tragic things happen and it rains, as I child I believe that God was crying. As I stood, I wondered, "what was snow? ... frozen tears for a fisherman lost in the cold sea? or was God trying to show me some beauty to the world that he had just flipped upside down for my family?" I didn't really care either way. I am angry and sad. It really doesn't matter.
I started to focus on single flakes falling and as I grew more angry, it seemed the snow fell faster. I wanted to lay out on my lawn and let it bury me. I wanted escape, I wanted denial.
To be honest, I lost hope very fast tonight. I knew what the outcome would be and accepted it long before I should have. They save have hope, be positive. I've never been a optimist, nor a pessimist, I'm a realist and I knew the odds. It was just the waiting game, for the search to end. I am forever thankful for those who searched for a body, for the closure for my mother and the rest of Georges family. But me, I don't need a body, but understand why others do. I realized that back in feb when I heard a dear friend from across the globe had drown. I didn't want them to find the body - they did and I'm happy they did for his family - but I would rather have believe he wasn't gone. That he had jumped aboard a ship and sailed to far off places and that someday, some where in the strangest and most random of places, I would catch a glimpse of his face and smile.
It isn't this way with George, but I still don't need a body to know the fate. It was more of a mystery with my friend, maybe because it was a different location, closer to shore, but in the middle of the bay, 2hr sail from shore. There is no swimming to land and taking off on grand adventures.

It is 2:08am and the house is silent. My mother is quiet, either sleeping or lying awake starring into a happier that once was her life. But the house is silent, except the clicking of my keys as I write this post. I think I hear my dog licking his puppy parts, but mostly it's quiet. I could probably ramble longer, but I think this post has done it's job. I have clearly thought my thoughts and written them to justify my feelings. I may never look at it again or I could daily for weeks, but I did it for release. I'm alone in the post and feel weight off my shoulders each sentence typed.

Usually I would sign "Stay Happy" but I am unable to in this dark time. Instead I will leave you with...



Thank you.

Whoa Whoa Whoa!

The time is finally here! I'm counting down the hours instead of the days...and I think this might even be the hardest art yet. I really wished I had the chance to meet the sweet older couple that had owned the place before me. I did the final walk through with the real estate agent tonight and there were notes in the kitchen from the lady to me about the different plants outside. It was so nice of her to fill me in on little things like that because I am in no way a gardener.

It's very hard for me to realize the actual state of the property right now, because inside my head is my dream of what it is going to be once I start working at it. Some people spend hundreds of thousands on a house that they don't have to touch, it's just ready. Although this house is fit to live in, it needs lots of updates and that's what excites me SO much about it. I get to make this gorgeous old house with TONS of character, into a home that is updated and very "me." Along with the notes the couple left mostly everything in the house, which to me is basically like getting 10 Christmases in one. These next few days are going to be pretty amazing. If anyone really knows me they know I have a huge appreciation for history and old items. Going through the walk through there were so many small vintage items that I was just overjoyed to have been left there. There is quite a bit of stuff that I won't be keeping, partly because I won't have the space and some of it I could care less for and need to sell so that I can get some money to do more renovating.

I can't wait to do some posts after I FINALLY get into the house. I am just too excited to even cope with life right now. I am watching Dexter re-runs and blogging about how excited I am. So I think I will post some inspiration photos of the rooms that I am going to paint.
Our bedroom is obviously the first room that I'm going to re-do, because the bedroom is where we have to feel the most comfortable, so I wanted to really make it feel like my own. Then I thought what other room in the house will we be using most, so I decided to do the livingroom along with the bedroom. 200.00 later after buying paint, I was glad I only chose 2 rooms. I'm hoping to get to the kitchen in the next month or so.

Here are some of my ideas for our bedroom :)

I love so many colors that I couldn't choose just a few, so I'm going with a boho-ish
style and using lots ofdifferent colors. My walls are going to be a neutral -grey-
 and one wall be a bright coral color. I have too many accent colors to do a
small pallet. 

grey - with alot of accents :) 

Lots of bright colors :) and I'm thinking of trying to hang fabric! 

Neutrals with bright colors 

Livingroom

This was the first photo that inspired my living room, the color isn't so blue that I chose,
but I didn't bring this photo with me to pick out mine, but I'm sure I will love my
 color as much as this :) 

Well that's in for now! All I have to do now is sleep, get up, go to work and then at lunch hopefully I will be able to get into the house and start cleaning and going through EVERYTHING!!! :) That's going to be the fun part, it's like a treasure hunt to me. I'm so excited. I will be doing lots of instagraming tomorrow! Wish me luck!

Stay Happy :)

Trials and Tribulations

Geez, where do I even begin. Yesterday was just one of those days where everything seems impossible for the future and what was the present was crashing down around me. Note that things weren't very good for me on the inside because I had missed a depression med and started my period of the same day.

I've been trying to build up a realistic dream of what I want for the next year or so and I thought I had figured it out. I was planning on building a studio and mini apartment/reallybigbedroom onto my mothers place, because currently I just live is what was the "den" on the first level and for a couple to live in it there isn't much privacy. But it just seems that the more I look into it the more it's going on cost and I really don't want to spend that large amount of money on something that I just want to be temporary. I'm a very impatient person, so I am one of those girls that's always been in a rush to grow up, now that I'm here it's stressful but I like it, but I'm still wanting my life to progress further. I want to get my business going, a house built, a family started and I just don't know how to go about it.
Basically my options right now are 1. spend like 75000 and build on to my mothers house and try to live there until I pay it off...which isn't even really an option for me right now.  2. spend like triple that on buying land and building a starter home and 3. buying a house that stands and trying to make what I want out of it, which is looking like what I may have to do and go back to my land plan later. And oh yeah, I'm broke. I do have a full time job secured, but it's been set back after set back trying to get the nursery running. It's so depressing and hard to plan something that is so expensive when you have like the smallest percentage of what you need to get going.

So please if you're an islander and have some spare land or cash lying around, I'm not below charity at this point haha.

Back to yesterday, I was feeling very quite and just wanted to be left alone to mope about my lack of funds. I decided that I would read a book because I was getting quite excited for my birthday gift to arrive. My lovely boyfriend went all out and bought me the new nexus 7 tablet :) because I wanted alittle more than an ereader. I started to read a book that I had wanted to get at for a while and I'm alittle over half way through.

To make my day better, but lovely boyfriend came home and the drama begun, being a young couple with history and trying to work through the past while starting a future, I'm not ashamed to say we fight. We're both dramatic people and each of us have our own special communication problems. I'm loud and get upset easy and he tends to only hear what he wants and likes to exaggerate. So we piss each other off and make the fight bigger haha, but the good thing is we always sit down talk it through and move on from it.
The thing that I've learned the most from our 3yr previous relationship, 1yr break and now our new 5 month relationship is that I seriously love the guy. Even though we drive eachother mad sometimes or pis each other off and do things that we shouldn't, at the end of the day we're mad about each other and go to bed happy. I'm a big believer in never going to bed mad at each other, so I always make sure we talk things out no matter how late we have to stay up, I just can't lie next to someone that I'm angry at.

Yesterday wasn't all bad, things that cheered me up were that I'm doing pretty great at not chewing my nails. They actually look pretty nice, but how long that lasts I have no idea. I've done this before and chewed them after a couple months, but I going to try EXTRA hard not to this time.
I spent a few hours with my Dad and stepmom, we had lunch together and I also got to order my birthday present from Justin :) Yes I am one of those people that likes to pick out their own gifts - I'll probably blog about this control freak problem around christmas. The main reason I got this was because I wanted an ereader, but I kinda wanted alittle more than just an ereader, so I did some research and read alot of reviews and I think that I found what I want for the price we could afford.

 I'm so excited to get it!!! Thanks babe <3

A few other things were able to cheer me up yesterday and remind me that life's still good. I kept checking my phone and looking a a photo of me and one the cutest, sweetest little boys I know. I worked all day friday so I got to spend most of the day playing with him, his twin brother, older sister and all the other kids. Those little people are the best thing to cheer up a girl :) Here are some photos of the kids and things that I have been working on over the past week or so.

He can cheer me up no matter what's making me sad!! 

Last week mom and I tacked the jean quilt she'd been working on for
ages! 

Tinka wasn't that great a help, but she sure is the cutest :) 

Calli didn't want to reading yesterday, she actually hasn't left me alone
for the past two days... oh and she's allergic to Tinka's food and
over-grooms herself that's why she has a sore on her back :(
I'm going to try and construct a fabric collar to stop her licking.

This man always puts a smile on my face! 

Last weekend my friend Lisa came down with Jo to visit :) 

We went to see the alpaca's at Darren's house! (link to their cottage site
at the end!)

They have mini sheep too! 

All adorable animals!! 

I watched the rotary fireworks from the sea this year :)

The reflections on the water made it even more lovely! 

Friday at work Libby did and awesome job coloring her lighthouse!

All the kids love my iphone, but Sabe definitely loved taking selfportraits! 

Me and Lib :) 

 I've been meaning to make more posts or more frequent ones, but my life seems to be upside down half the time these days. But I'll try to do my best this week, I always think of good blog posts when I'm not in the blogging mood haha

Here's the link to the Darren's summer chalet :)

Stay Happy!!!

Photoshoots, Facepainting and Favorite Friends

I've been spending the past couple of days with my main squeeze girl, Cassidy, who has been home for a visit, hopefully next weekend I will be making the trip up to her place to spend a much needed weekend in the city with her. I've also been working ALOT between photoshoots and the boys and girls club. I also volunteered to help out with Cassidy at the Family Fun Day they had today. I am extremely tired and could have passed out hours ago, but I wanted to get all my blog posts and page updates done. So here's some of what I have been up to.

I went to get my hair touched up and freshed and thought my life needed some spontaneity so I got my second holes pierced and then a random third ball that you can see, but I am going to get in done the same place on my other ear, just wanted to make sure I liked it haha and it hurts. I also had a "blonde" moment and put nail polish remover on my ears instead of peroxide...THAT hurt. 

Spent some time at Kim's practicing face painting and playing with Keely.

Then we came back to my place and watched the L word. 

My awesome YOLO-pillar that Cassidy made me. 

At the booth

Turning our english teach from highschool into a pirate. 

The finished product! We miss this guy so much! 

My Hello Kitty mask 

I make a stunning Ariel!

And to top the day off Cassidy was thrown in Jail, where she said wasn't very comforting. 

Stay Happy!! and I have noticed what a complete mess this post is. The photos were just not working with me and after loading them all up just to hit a link and having to RE-load them, I was not impressed and too tired to fix everything :P Have a great weekend!!!

and here are some photos from a "Trash the Dress" shoot I did recently