They Say You're Better Off Alone

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like your head is so full and overwhelmed, but you don't even know by what?

I went to bed last night hoping to wake up refreshed in the morning, but all the happened was trouble falling asleep and I woke up not wanting to move. I just had a feeling it wasn't going to be my day. Maybe I made it that way by thinking it, but my mother came to my house to help me get me "office" in order. It hasn't been in order since the day I moved into my house, it's basically been a junk room. The whole time she was trying to help me I couldn't concentrate on anything, one where to put this and that or what to keep and through out and I just didn't want to have any part of it. So we did the bare minimum because clearly it just wasn't the day to work on it. We did get quite a lot accomplished, but not what I had hoped for. 

I grew hungry so went to the kitchen and grabbed a salad and some carrots, sat down on the couch and didn't move from there all afternoon. I felt so lonely and sad, yet didn't want anyone near me. I laid there and flicked through netflix until I turned it off, I stared at the ceiling, wishing today and tomorrow away. I wanted to go back to work, to have some sort of foundation under my feet. I hate having all this time on my hands to think. I went through a rough depression last winter and today I felt the way I did when that began. 

I hated where my life was last winter. I lived somewhere I didn't want to live, I didn't want to be in school, I was doing things that I wanted to be okay, but on the inside I wasn't. I just overall didn't like who I was. And not that I'm that person anymore, but I've hit a crossroads where I am faced with the option to be that person again. For some reason I'm tempted to and I thinks that's the part that bothers me most, the fact that I've even considered being who I used to be after taking all the time to get my act together. Maybe there's a happy medium, but I'm not sure I could find it, so I don't want to take the risk to find out. I know I've learned from that and wouldn't give up what I have now, which is really the only thing that matters. It just shocks you to know where you'll mind will wonder to when you're unhappy. 

After laying there awhile my mother called me. Asking if I was okay and how I was feeling, she knew I had been alittle down earlier in the day. She told me "You know you've suffered a loss too. Not just George, but Justin as well." With everything that had been happening after the accident, the constant stream of people coming in and out, trying to have any tiny bit of a normal Christmas, my breakup pushed back, because I had other things to grieve. At the time it was more of a relief than anything. He was making my life - and my mothers - harder than it needed to be so it just seemed like there was no reason to be sad, all I felt was anger towards him and glad that he was gone. 

Today when my mother referred to him as a "loss," it hit me differently. I realized that even though I was happy to be rid of the guy that he had become, I could feel sad that I had lost my bestfriend, who he used to be. That it was okay that I've been hating the fact that I'm alone now, that it's okay to cry about the loss of a future I once thought I had with him. I bought this house when we were together, and made plans with him, now I sit in this house and wonder "what the fuck am I going to do now?" I love this house and wouldn't give it up for the world, but now it's like I'm afraid to move ahead alone. 

If anyone knows me well they know that I hate to be alone. Yes, I have times when I don't want anyone near me and will bite your head off because any sound made annoys me, but one of my biggest fears is to be alone. Sitting here in the dark, listening to the little noises makes me sad, lonely and afraid. I would rather have my house filled with chaos then to spend days by myself. I know I need to be alone right now, I need to find strength to be alone. I did it once and I will do it again. But theres always that fear in the back of my mind that I will be alone forever. This fear isn't because I'm hard on myself or don't find myself pretty enough or because I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. I'm scared of being alone because sometimes I find it so hard to live with myself that it scares me into thinking "Who the hell would want to spend forever with me? who wants to make that kind of commitment?" Or I'm afraid of other people, I don't trust people at all right now (which is again in my own head so really it all comes back to me being the issue and not allowing myself to trust someone) No one needs to be punished for what someone else did to me. 

Some say you're better off alone. 

I'm afraid of becoming one of those people. I'm afraid of becoming someone who is scared of NOT being alone, that is scared to care or love someone else, trust someone else. Because I know that being alone keeps you from getting hurt and I completely understand that right now, but when I look at what I want my future to be, I don't want it to be just me in my house.  I want there to be someone else, with little someone else's running around. People need love, and even if we avoid it sometimes for the sake of protecting ourselves and not wanting to admit that we need it, we still do. Maybe I'm not ready to set myself up for any more pain right now, but I know I'm always going to be willing to take another risk. Even if it means ending up feeling like this again and back at square one. Nothing last forever and change is constant, so maybe I just have to accept that I'll love more than one person and there'll be more heart breaks, but I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up because I know for a fact that I won't be happy alone. Might as well risk it to be happy even if it's not forever. 

Stay Happy.

The Test

Life sure has a way of throwing shit at us all at once.

Let me just say that first off this Christmas did not feel like Christmas, no cheer, no energy, no joy, but there came was some understanding. Not to the questions that we wanted answered, like why, but understanding that we will never know, understanding of the past month, and understanding of some itty bitty ounce of good that came from a tragedy.

My Christmas was miserable because of the accident, a breakup and the common cold. I did hold myself together most of the time thinking of my mother and her loss, of all our loss and I'm proud that I got the courage to step out of a relationship that truly was unhealthy. I'm extremely proud of my Mother, she is my hero for having the strength to get out of bed in the morning, especially these past couple of days and more the fact that they were holidays meant to be happy. I could go on and on about how proud I am of my mother and that she is my mother, so to sum it up she's just plain amazing and I will be here for her for the rest of her life.

I am over my anger of what happened, it didn't last long and if anything my faith has been strengthened and I've noticed alot of spiritual moments over the past week.

As for my break-up I need to do a little venting.

As much as I want to bash him and say all the awful things that I have been thinking these past couple of days. I doubted how much longer I would be able to put off leaving, I knew it was coming but the holidays, denial and hope were keeping me from just doing it. Finding out some news of how much it upset George that I was in such an unhealthy relationship and how much it upset him that I put up with being treated poorly, mixed with some recent lines being crossed just sent me over the edge with anger and I got fed up. It was the last straw. I think that the anger has 

masked much of my emotions of suddenly being single again, I know that I am upset. I loved Justin, still do because those feelings just don't go away, but he isn't the guy that I fell inlove with anymore and I had to come to terms that I can't make him who he used to be, he has to and I can't fix him. We were both miserable, I can be very hard to live with as well, we all have our faults. I would like to say that his may be worse, but he is sick. Being an alcoholic isn't something that he can just give up over night. But the mental abuse and lying that came with it stripped me of my trust, the stealing and hiding and sneaking combined with the recent pain he had caused made me realize there would be no way that he could regain that trust needed to have a healthy relationship. I would always be wondering, even if I gave him some trust, it wouldn't all be there, it would always be whispering in the back of my head. So neither of us deserved that. He can hate me, bash me, forget me and more. I'm going to try my best to take the high road, not the usual high road of "i'm bigger than you, I'm pretending that I don't care what you do or what you say" road, I'm taking the "i'm going to mourn the loss of our relationship, cry to myself in order to move on, not go on a slut binge, do what's best for me and get healthy" high road. There will be moments when he'll hurt me and maybe that's what he is setting out to do, but this time I can't let it control me, I have to take a deep breath, remember that I deserve so much more even if that means a single life for awhile and turn my head, maybe even think of something awesome and new in my life and smile about that. 

We could have been something great, if we were both the same people we used to be, the people that planned out an awesome little hobby farm and cute little family, but there wasn't half gallons in hiding places or fights over old fights from years ago in those plans. Somewhere along the way there was a mistake made that did a ripple affect to spoil our plans or maybe it was fate, a lesson to learn. Who knows, life is a mystery and time isn't going to stop because of a break up. 

I'm going to be happy! For me, for him, because I do still care about him, even if he thinks I don't, I do wish him the best and hope that he can find happiness and love down the road. It'll be heard not to go running back to that relationship. It's what I have known for so long. We started dating 5 years ago, with last year spending 10 months apart and getting back together. He's the only relationship I've had, he's the only relationship I've known. 

This time I need to do something that I am so afraid of doing, be alone. Yes I've been single, but in the back of my head I always knew he'd be there when I wanted to come back. This time even if he is still there to go back to "I" have to do this on my own, do something different, and move on for good. No more peeking back and making sure he is still there, I really have to let go of the past and walk into my future. Make something better for myself. I have an awesome house, an amazing job, the building blocks of my own business, so now I need to work on getting healthy and organized and then down the road maybe some guy will come along that's worth giving a new relationship a shot. 

 I've still got some growing up to do, but don't we all? I know the things that I want, but it's the getting to it that's going to be the hard part, but I guess it all takes time and it never happens the way you plan it. Which is so hard for me because I like to have everything planned out the way I want.

I'm getting so tired that my eyes are beginning to cross and the words are all starting to blur together, so I'll finish up the post with saying that I am sad for the end of this relationship, its like giving up on a dream that we had mapped out and imagined for ourselves - see there's that thing I do... plan shit - but it needed to happen, so I will learn to love it and I could use the single time to myself. I have some pinterest projects I want to get done and ALOT of stuff to do at my house. Hopefully I will be able to post again in the next couple of days about getting back into living at my own house!

Stay Happy! or atleast work on being happy!

There Are No Words

This post will contradict the title.

I wanted to post this while my feelings and thoughts were still on the surface and it will probably take me hours to word correctly. A day or two after something like this happens feelings get muted and numb. Some may wonder, why would you post this now? There must be something better you could be doing, why would you want to remember this? But there isn't anything else I could be doing, except waiting. I probably will get little sleep tonight and this is a way to release my feelings when I am trying to be strong for my family, is also keeps my mind on a steady track in order to collect my thoughts.

Tonight, my mother's boyfriend - i hate this word, it seems so immature and small - her love is what I will consider him in this post, was taken from her tonight, from us. Everyday we forget or put in the back of our minds the dangers of the job that most of our men and woman face.
I come from a small fishing community of Grand Manan Island. My mothers love, was lobster fishing when he went into the water without a sound and in the blink of an eye. There was nothing that could have stopped it or that the men he was with could have done. This was between 4:30pm and 5:30pm. As I write this sentence it is 12:20am Dec 21 2012 and there has been no sign. There is no way that we will ever see him walk through the doors again. The temperature of our oceans water this time of real is beyond breath-takingly cold, it is life-takingly cold, his chance of survival for a couple of hours would have been surprising. It has been 7 hours now. My mother knows that it's over, but she still has hope they may find his body. She is such a strong woman, I can only half image how she feels. George was family to me, but he was her love.

First off I would like to thank our amazing community.
The amount of boats that went to the scene to search for hours in the dark and cold. Except it was anything but dark. The power of over 20 vessels lit up the waters surface, 2 helicopters and countless flares in the sky sent light from above. I heard it looked like a city on the sea searching for a lost man. The search will end in a couple of hours.
Then there are the people from home that are waiting for news just like us. I truly believe that when one of our hearts breaks here on the island at least half of the communities hearts are heavily filled or cracked and broken as well. I want to thank you for all the kind words, thoughts, prayers and hugs from afar.
Second I would like to thank our amazing friends and family. That came to sit with us, cry with us and laugh with us when we don't feel like laughing. I have felt true love from many of my close and distant family members and friends. People I haven't seen in a long time and people I see every day. It is a small community, but with jobs and other everyday life, we drift apart and get caught up in what life is. It saddens me that we only come together at holidays and tragedies, I wish I could feel the amount of love I felt when we were all crammed into one house, everyday.
Third I would like to thank God, for being with all of us affected. I would still like to send an online prayer that you look over my mother and Georges family a few provinces away.

Some may ask why put God third? I have been struggling inside alot with my inner religion and at a time like this it is very hard to understand God's choices and decisions. I know I shouldn't be angry with him but I am. I am angry at many things right now. I remember to thank God and included him because I know everything happens for a reason, that it's all I know. Right now I have so many questions for God I could sit down and interrogate him for all the pain my mother is feeling. So yes how I feel right now, God is third.

It is now 1:30am and the rcmp officer just left our house. There wasn't much he could tell us or anything like that, he came to find out if there were any people we needed help contacting, but we have done the bulk of that ourselves. It was nice to sit with him and talk, even laugh. Most encounters with officers are tense and awkward, but this was friendly and comforting. ( I had to stop writing this post to speak to the police so times could be messed up a bit)

At the beginning of the night, when I first got the call about my mother's love, I thought, "Oh okay, he's fallen over and they've picked him out of the water and they'll sail in and have to take him to the hospital to check him over." With in minutes, those thoughts were hopes and grasps of wishes.

We just got our last call from the Search and Rescue, they have called off the search at 1:47am. I've had to watch my mothers heart break before my eyes. Not physically, but the pain on her face creates a mental picture I will never erase. As I listen to her cry in her room I can't help but wish I could take all her pain away. That I was a sponge that absorbed all sadness, I would rather feel it myself then to see her this way and hear her this way.

I am sad, but I am angry. I am heart broken that my mother has to have the agony of this inside her heart. After finally finding happiness again, she could only enjoy it for a short time before having it stolen from her. I am angry at God and do not understand his "plan" I know I will forgive him and have in ways already, but I am still angry. Like when someone wrongs you, and you forgive them, but you don't forget what they did. I feel my mother has been wronged.

I am angry at the greediness of our world. That these men risk their lives to make a living for their families and put food on our tables and other peoples tables, and people think they make large amounts of money, some do, but not average. The money hungry, top of the pyramid "buyers" make me sick. I feel like my mother's love died for $2.75 - 3.25 a pound. To me that doesn't amount to his life. He loved fishing, but just because he loved it, doesn't make it right that he lost his life for so little. I feel cheated. I feel like making the money hungry "buyers" go fishing on a small boat in the fall. Then ask them what they think they should be paid at the end of the day, or better yet a season.

Tonight, I was even angry at the snow. I hadn't seen much snow until tonight and I wanted the first time I stood outside in the snow to be a happy day. This was not a happy day. As I stood on my doorstep, after gathering my things to stay with my mother, I watched the snow slowly and softly fall from the sky. When tragic things happen and it rains, as I child I believe that God was crying. As I stood, I wondered, "what was snow? ... frozen tears for a fisherman lost in the cold sea? or was God trying to show me some beauty to the world that he had just flipped upside down for my family?" I didn't really care either way. I am angry and sad. It really doesn't matter.
I started to focus on single flakes falling and as I grew more angry, it seemed the snow fell faster. I wanted to lay out on my lawn and let it bury me. I wanted escape, I wanted denial.
To be honest, I lost hope very fast tonight. I knew what the outcome would be and accepted it long before I should have. They save have hope, be positive. I've never been a optimist, nor a pessimist, I'm a realist and I knew the odds. It was just the waiting game, for the search to end. I am forever thankful for those who searched for a body, for the closure for my mother and the rest of Georges family. But me, I don't need a body, but understand why others do. I realized that back in feb when I heard a dear friend from across the globe had drown. I didn't want them to find the body - they did and I'm happy they did for his family - but I would rather have believe he wasn't gone. That he had jumped aboard a ship and sailed to far off places and that someday, some where in the strangest and most random of places, I would catch a glimpse of his face and smile.
It isn't this way with George, but I still don't need a body to know the fate. It was more of a mystery with my friend, maybe because it was a different location, closer to shore, but in the middle of the bay, 2hr sail from shore. There is no swimming to land and taking off on grand adventures.

It is 2:08am and the house is silent. My mother is quiet, either sleeping or lying awake starring into a happier that once was her life. But the house is silent, except the clicking of my keys as I write this post. I think I hear my dog licking his puppy parts, but mostly it's quiet. I could probably ramble longer, but I think this post has done it's job. I have clearly thought my thoughts and written them to justify my feelings. I may never look at it again or I could daily for weeks, but I did it for release. I'm alone in the post and feel weight off my shoulders each sentence typed.

Usually I would sign "Stay Happy" but I am unable to in this dark time. Instead I will leave you with...



Thank you.

When Life Gives You Lemons, Say I Like Watermelon Better

Life has really been kicking me in the ass lately. I'm trying not to complain too much about it, because some pretty good things have been happening too. There are always three ways to look at things - positively, negatively and obliviously. I am trying to keep positive, but sometimes that can be really hard to do.

The past couple of days I've actually been in a pretty good mindset. Thursday I started staying at my house alone (I will get to why after) and spent some "me" time on getting some things ready for work and catching up on tv shows. Friday I put my tree in and decorated it, while also having it fall on top of me in the process. It really did look beautiful after it was completed. Saturday I woke up and got ready to head of to the annual Christmas Market that is held in our community every year, I spent alittle cash and headed home with a bag full of goodies. Once I arrived back home, I got this fantastic urge to clean. I re-arranged my pantry and cupboards, cleaned my kitchen, porch and laundry room. It didn't take me long and I felt awesome about what I had accomplished, I hadn't cleaned that much since I had moved in. 

Living alone has really made me not only bored, but it has seemed to free up some of my time. Instead of always cuddling on the couch watching tv shows, I'm wandering around the house looking for something to do. 

Now about why I am living alone. It's not something that I want to elaborate on too much, but most people know that Justin and I have our fair share of problems in our relationship, but we also have our own individual problems and issues. He is manic depressive and suffers from anxiety with a touch of bi-polar and I'm OCD with depression and weight issues. But we want to be together and we fight for and work together or try to atleast. Justin has an addictive personality and I have a high novelty seeking personality. So I am always searching for a change or something new when he is stuck on one thing. So he's gotten himself into a bit of a mess with alcohol and it's really become too much for me to help him control. I have a bad temper and because I don't understand why he can't just "stop" we always end up fighting and when he's been drinking, his temper isn't that great either. He's moved back to his parents so that he can hopefully get past this problem and we can eventually go back to living together. But with alcohol came the sneaking and the lying, which is something that I hate the most. I HATE lying and although I do it on occasion because I am not perfect, my guilt will eat me alive about it. But most of the time I just don't understand it, if a friend asks me to lie to someone for them, most of the time it ends up hilarious because I can't wrath my head around the reason someone would want to lie and then I can't come up with anything that would make sense to say. That's beside the point though, because of how many lies have been in our relationship lately, my trust is just about gone and it really hurts me to say that. I used to be such a trusting person and now I barely trust anyone. 

I stayed with my mother last night because of a life changing event for her, she got her very first computer...and I had to teach her how to use it. Although training has just begun, she does have an email, facebook and pinterest account and can work all those herself. So day one of training went well. I stayed tonight because today was a very "blah" day, I slept most of it and when I went home my beautiful christmas tree had fallen down and a bunch of ornaments were broken and I just was too aggravated to be home, so I locked up and came back down to my mothers after standing up and tying the tree off. Atleast I get to go through the fun of re-decorating my tree. 

Some good things that I've got going right now other than having my house clean and teaching my mother the ways of the "current world" I am working on a new project for work. As an educator in a daycare, we have to document what the infants and children do and learn, how they live their lives at daycare. It's my favorite thing about work, because I get to use my photography and photoshop skills at my job, which I didn't think I would get to use much, but I bring quite a bit to the table when it comes to documenting. Right now I am working on video documenting, when I quit art school to move back to my hometown I was learning about video. I had been really excited about it until the worst of my depression had hit and I stopped going to school or even getting out of bed. So I'm starting to teach myself and working on a few projects. The BG Club has video equipment, so maybe as I learn more I can start using some of their tools later on. 

My biggest news of all and probably the reason that I haven't given up after all this alcohol craziness (which by the way has made me hate booze and I have been sober myself since August, whoop whoop go me!) is TomTom. TomTom is a cerebellar hypoplasia kitten. A litter of kittens that the St. Stephen SPCA took in were affected by the disorder. Most of the kittens are mildly affected with very little displays of the condition, two of the kittens are moderately affected, TomTom being the most affected. What is Cerebellar Hypoplasia? They also call it drunken sailor or wobbler kitten, it affects the cerebellum in the developing stages in the womb. Sometimes if a pregnant cat is vaccinated during her pregnancy it can cause this disorder in her kittens, or if the cerebellum is damaged somehow during a kittens term in the womb. The kittens motor skills are affected and some kittens may have only mild tremors, moderate walking troubles or some kittens can have CH so severely that they will never walk. The one thing to remember about these kitties is that they are in no pain and don't realize they are any different from their fellow cats. Sure they do feel it when they bump into the wall or fall, but I don't have CH and I probably have more bruises and cuts than this kitten. 

I didn't plan on adoption another cat for a couple of years. I just took in a kitten from a local family and she was infested with fleas, so after cleaning her up and getting her back to a healthy kitten state. I said no more cats. Then I read about TomTom and it touched my heart in a way I can't explain, maybe it's because I've worked with special needs kids or on some level believe I'm kinda "special" myself. But I just had a feeling that TomTom was for me. I emailed right away, but felt the need to make sure that TomTom was adopted by me that I called the SPCA, you know I am serious about something when I pick up the phone and actually speak to someone. I HATE phone calls. So after waiting for paperwork to go through and cheques to be received they finally told me a week later that TomTom will be mine :) 

I was so speechless and excited when I found out. Yes my house is full of animals, yes I like it and no I don't care that you think I shouldn't have four cats, a dog and a giant bunny, but I do and I love them all more than I like most people. These days I have become a home body and keep to myself alot, those four cats, a dog and a giant bunny are my family. We share a 3bdrm house and although they don't pitch in on chores, I don't mind cleaning up after them, cause I love them. 

Here is a photo (right) and a video of TomTom. I am not sure what I am going to name him once he moves in, so I am just calling him what his name is at the shelter, I don't mind TomTom and maybe it will even stay that, but I want to meet him first before I decide on a name. For more information about CH cats visit HERE.

So far he has been able to take 10 steps without falling over, hopefully with practice and muscle development he will walk alittle farther as her grows. If he doesn't thats okay too, we'll love him anyway :)

Stay Happy! <3 and don't be afraid to adopt an animal with special needs, read up about there care and understand what they are dealing with, don't go over your head either! But animals with special needs deserve loving homes too :)

Home Owning Life

I have been living without internet for the past 30 days and I've actually lived to talk about it. The good part is that I have been so busy that I really haven't had alot of time to waste on the interwebs anyway. But I really have missed blogging. I'm going to make a quick but good post about how things have been before The Walking Dead comes on.

I've been working alot and taking some curriculum courses away. I was away this weekend for one and spent the night at my aunts house, which was really nice. I always love going away to spend some time with her and my cousins.

Work has been so awesome, I have to be honest that it was alittle stressful at first because I didn't have much experience with infants and toddlers, but now that I've been working there for almost 2 months those buggers are really growing on me. I find myself missing them all the time and I'm almost excited to get out of bed and go to work.

These pictures are of me and a little girl I work with, she is so smart and loves my iphone. She'll take it out of my pocket and try to unlock it to get to the camera, then she climbs up in my lap and sits on one side of me so that I can reverse the camera and she can see us and she'll push the camera button. She likes to do funny faces and nice smiley ones. She's such a sweetheart!

 When I'm not working I'm at home cleaning. I spend so much time cleaning and doing housework now, but I will give Justin some credit because he helps me alot on his days off, which I am very thankful for. There is still so much to be done in the house, but it is coming along as I have time to work on it. I finally got my bedroom set up alittle bit more today. I hung some stuff up and justin and I worked on the walk-in and got our clothes all organized. I think my next project will be the downstairs bathroom, because my father and stepmother generously bought me a great housewarming present :) a dryer. I am so thankful for it too, the dryer that was in the house has got to be from the seventies and the belt is gone in it and I can only put a handful of clothes in it most days. It makes doing laundry take forever! So when I take the old one out and put the new one in, I think I'm going to take up the laminate that is covering the hardwood up. I do not understand why people covering beautiful hardwood floors...even scractched hardwood is better than the orange/yellow laminate that is currently on the floor. This room is also the room that needs to most cleaning and organizing. So I'll make this the next to-do. Hopefully I will be able to afford it.

Here are some before and after photos of the master bedroom.

BEFORE 

BEFORE

I think having the bed this way makes the room feel so much bigger! 

I love my room. It feels so nice to just have it ready, it's just a different atmosphere when it's not completely wrote off.

And for those who live away and might not know what my house looks like here is a photo :)

I have so many more things that I could talk about, but time is getting close for me to curl up in the livingroom of my mothers and watch the walking dead, then I have to go back to my internet-less house and go to sleep so I will be refreshed to go into work tomorrow and not get home til 10pm because I have first aide courses until thursday :(

I'm hoping that my modem will be here soon so that I can blog from my own house haha

Stay Happy!

Talk About Exciting!

HOLY SWEET LOVE MUFFINS! is my heart racing or what?! The past week has been so crazy, but the past three days have been absolutely intense. Where do I begin...

If you've been reading my posts, I've been blogging lately about growing up and trying to move my life forward because I'm a terrible procrastinator and when I'm not pushing myself I'm a lump on the floor. I've taken charge of my life and I'm going to make the most of it. I also blogged about my options for the future. Last week I was planning on building onto my mothers house next year to have my own spot, but then I thought more and realized I don't want to spend 50-75 thousand dollars on my mothers house until I save up enough money to get a place of my own AND pay off that loan. SO then I was left with buying land and building which means big $$$$ and just buying an existing house.

I started surfing the web and just checking out properties around the island and there were two specific ones that I was thinking about for next year. I made an appointment with the realtor to see my favorite of the two just for fun and hoped it would motivate me to keep saving and keep my focused. Instead I found out that they had dropped the price a significant amount and there had been others looking - which I had already saw because the house in on my way to work, that was on thursday. I got some information on what I would need if I were to put an offer down. Turns out because of my hate for credit cards ( which I think is a good thing ) isn't good for my credit, that meant I needed a co-signer. This is where my dad came in. On friday he went to view the house with me and was against my plan because he didn't want me digging a deathly hole of debt, which I completely understand. But I was persuasive and asked him to think on it over the weekend. On Sunday, I called again and he told me no again. Which I was even more upset about, but I did understand why he would say no, but at the same time just wanted the chance. I budgeted everything out to high prices of expenses and low incomes, not including savings and I still have money left at the end of the month. I really just wanted the chance, because I know that I'm not going anywhere, I moved away for three years and didn't really enjoy myself and ended up back here. This place is my home. After him and my stepmother had talked they decided I deserved a chance.
Yesterday I went to the bank with my Dad, got approved and then put in an offer for the house, signed the papers with a belly for of butterflies and began the wait. I've been going absolutely bat shit crazy waiting. And my realtor is definitely getting a kick of my enthusiastic behaviour toward all this and the fact that I want them to leave everything in the house, because I even love all their stuff - I am still hoping they will leave a pile of it behind because I love vintage things and it's basically all vintage.

So yeah, today all I've done is wait and get nervous, and then overly excited and then anxious because even if I get the house I can't move in until october, which just means MORE waiting and I don't think I can handle that. But I did get word that they do want to move the closing date forward if they accept my offer. I was supposed to get a call at 8, and it is now 8:01 and I'm typing like crazy just to keep my mind of it.

It's an old house, but I love old houses and it's all I've ever lived in and all I ever even looked for in an apartment. It has 9-10 foot ceilings, 2 acres of land that connects to my grand mothers property, a barn, a gorgeous lawn, a spiral stair case, 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms.

To help save money I have come up with the idea that I would take on a renter. Who might this be you ask? None other than my bio-bro, Jackson. I don't think I have come cross anyone except his mother that has thought we can pull it off, but I agree with her and think he deserves that chance and definitely needs to learn some responsibilities. I am not afraid to teach him some lessons haha. I think it will be pretty fun on the days we aren't fighting like real brother and sister. He is definitely a character and it will be a hard adjustment, but he's a good kid and I'll teach him the ropes for sure.

OMG it's 8:06 and I still haven't got a call. I also want to make an awesome shout out to all my family that has helped and supported me financially and mentally/morally. I'll post more about the actual house when I know for sure that it's mine. I probably won't even publish this until I know more.

8:09

It's 8:15 and I just bought a house!

Stay Happy!!!

ps. did I mention it has a walk in closet!!! bonus!

Happy Canada Day!

I am definitely proud to be a Canadian and this weekend we did lots of celebrating as it wasn't only canada's birthday but my cousin was also celebrating her 17th birthday this weekend with the whole family. It was an awesome get together and for once we were all present for most of it. My family is pretty close and what I mean by family is my grandparents, mother and her two sisters and all the grand kids. I also had a BIG yardsale that I went to, I mentioned in another post that I had been to a yardsale not too long ago and bought some really nice glass bottles and some other items, I may not have mention and meant to. I am a huge yardsale fanatic and would seriously buy everything I needed from a yardsale rather than new from the store, most things anyway. I'll post some recent yardsale finds in this entry. 

So appreciative that a few parents have given me permission to use photos of the  kids for work!
They are all sooo adorable. The art work is something the kids put together for summer
 this past week, some pretty flowers and busy bees! 

Friday night a bunch of family and some friends got together to celebrate Megan's
birthday! Top: My aunts and I, Tonia- or as I refer to her as BioDad, Claudine
and then Myself.  Bottom: a few of old friends and family with a
couple of new friends. 

Top - Bottom, Right to Left. Matt building us a fire, Papa enjoying a s'more, Megan and Abbie, Papa setting off roman candles,
everyone sitting around the fire, again - we did this for the past three nights. Everyone out for a family walk at sunset, and today
we moved couches in the heat and BioDad was a bit crunched up in the back. 

Fireworks in the yard! :P don't worry we had a fire fighter in the family haha

There was alot of food involved this weekend.

We like to do a lot of things together as a family, including walks, lamp lit grass basketball and
shaving heads. Megan and I took it upon ourselves to shave Jackson's head, neither of us have
done it before. How hard can it be? It's not like we could mess up haha

My Dog T-Bear shed's awful! He's a ShepardxHusky and the hair just falls off him all year. He looks
much better after the brushing! 

A neighbor and friend has a ton of kittens at their house that are just tooooo cute. I wish I could take them
all or even one but I have too many animals. The little white one is the runt and she is so dainty and cute,
 then this guy on the right is a little fluffy thing but has a rat tail :P I'm excited to see how it looks
as he grows up. 

Mayor is a bit of an escape artist so when he got out again we decided his
new cage NEEDED to get built, so my mothers boyfriend was so nice as
to build out. Right as it was finished we got a tip of where Mayor had been
spending the afternoon and were able to catch him. 

Tinka is re-united with her bestie in his new pen! He likes it and hates it
at the same time, at first he thought he could go right through it, but has
given up on that now. In the bottom picture you can really tell where
his ear was broken, probably from being picked up by his ears as a baby

The first photos is the bird feeder that I bought at the yardsale for $2. I brought
it home as a project and wanted to do it right away. So I painted it up and
hung it outside of the house :) 

Bought a bunch of old camera equipment :) I collect this stuff if anyone has things they don't want!
Just hinting :P 

I love colored glass and I couldn't resist these beautiful bottles.

The photo doesn't do the plates justice. They're from Egypt but I don't know anything else about them. 

Those are some of my yardsale finds, but there are LOTS more that I've collected over the past couple of weeks. This weekend I also bought two cushioned chairs and an antique baby crib. I have a bit of a problem when it comes to buying things at yardsales. Some stuff I buy to fix up and sell, now to later. 

Overall I had a great weekend of festivities and spending money. 

Stay Happy! 

It Feels Like Forever

Holy shit it feels like it's been forever since I last posted and it hasn't even been that long! I've been soooo busy and so worn out that I can't even process everything that I have been doing and everything that's been going on. I REALLY need my job to start because my life is pure chaos when I don't have routine and there is nothing routine about my life right now. My head is spinning from just having no clue what I am doing day to day. So I am extremely excited for my job to start next month, which is a month later than I was hoping, but I will be picking up a few days on call over the next couple of weeks.

As for what has been going on with me over the past week and some here is a list :

Not so good things :

1. fallen off my organization track
2. fallen off my weight loss track
3. my bunny boy escaped his cage 
4. my womanly time of the month presented it's self for prom - nothing like being moody, bloated, and trying to keep my face blemish free before trying to walk the red carpet in 5 inch heels.

Good thing : 

1. found awesome buys at yardsales 
2. found my bunny after 2 days of horrible worry, but he seemed completely stress free lounging in the neighbors yard.
3. went to prom
4. went to prom party and got to see a bunch of people I hadn't seen for ages. 
5. got to see mostly all of my family for celebration of my biobro's graduation! we're all so proud of him! 
6. i had a couple days of work last week which was great to see all the kids :) 
7. i've taken ALOT of photos this week and done alot of editing, which is good, but bad for my headaches. 

And of course photos of things I have been working on and things that have been going on!! 

My Shepard/Husky Mix "T-Bear"

I bought three big things of flowers to lighten up the outside of my house
I should have left it alone, I am terrible at keeping plants alive.

I found the BEST thing I could have found at a yardsale,
a wooden filing cabinet, I've been looking for quite awhile. Callie thought
she would help me with some filing.

After his 2 day adventure, I caught him and put him back in his temporary cage. I am
building his new one this weekend! I would like to point out my skills with a jigsaw,
I cute out that wonderful arch in his house, which he doesn't like, but either way it's
a nice hole. 

Photo from a cap and gown shoot I did for Jackson

Photo from a cap and gown shoot I did for Jackson

It would appear that Jackson and I aren't really normal. As youngsters we beat the
crap out of each other, most of the time I came out the winner, but now he can
hold his own. Our prom shoot (Tonia/BioDad had the camera not me obviously)
was alittle odd :P 

But we can put on our normal faces and look pretty good :) 

My cousin Eric, on my fathers side also graduated! 

I was able to get a photo of justin and I together! 

As for photoshoots after prom, I had junior prom shoots and an infant shoot! Both went great as always, I think I might be fitting in another photoshoot maybe tomorrow with my aunt who is hear visiting from PEI.

Lauren

Katie

Zoey

A fun photo with the girls! 

Baby Grace

 I will be posting more photos from my shoots on my photo blog tomorrow, or rather today, but I need to get some sleep. You wouldn't think that sitting at a computer going through photos would make you tired, but honestly my eyes and brain feel like they are on fire. I need to get out and enjoy some fresh air tomorrow! Might drive around and visit some people or something.

Stay Happy :)