I went to bed last night hoping to wake up refreshed in the morning, but all the happened was trouble falling asleep and I woke up not wanting to move. I just had a feeling it wasn't going to be my day. Maybe I made it that way by thinking it, but my mother came to my house to help me get me "office" in order. It hasn't been in order since the day I moved into my house, it's basically been a junk room. The whole time she was trying to help me I couldn't concentrate on anything, one where to put this and that or what to keep and through out and I just didn't want to have any part of it. So we did the bare minimum because clearly it just wasn't the day to work on it. We did get quite a lot accomplished, but not what I had hoped for.
I grew hungry so went to the kitchen and grabbed a salad and some carrots, sat down on the couch and didn't move from there all afternoon. I felt so lonely and sad, yet didn't want anyone near me. I laid there and flicked through netflix until I turned it off, I stared at the ceiling, wishing today and tomorrow away. I wanted to go back to work, to have some sort of foundation under my feet. I hate having all this time on my hands to think. I went through a rough depression last winter and today I felt the way I did when that began.
I hated where my life was last winter. I lived somewhere I didn't want to live, I didn't want to be in school, I was doing things that I wanted to be okay, but on the inside I wasn't. I just overall didn't like who I was. And not that I'm that person anymore, but I've hit a crossroads where I am faced with the option to be that person again. For some reason I'm tempted to and I thinks that's the part that bothers me most, the fact that I've even considered being who I used to be after taking all the time to get my act together. Maybe there's a happy medium, but I'm not sure I could find it, so I don't want to take the risk to find out. I know I've learned from that and wouldn't give up what I have now, which is really the only thing that matters. It just shocks you to know where you'll mind will wonder to when you're unhappy.
After laying there awhile my mother called me. Asking if I was okay and how I was feeling, she knew I had been alittle down earlier in the day. She told me "You know you've suffered a loss too. Not just George, but Justin as well." With everything that had been happening after the accident, the constant stream of people coming in and out, trying to have any tiny bit of a normal Christmas, my breakup pushed back, because I had other things to grieve. At the time it was more of a relief than anything. He was making my life - and my mothers - harder than it needed to be so it just seemed like there was no reason to be sad, all I felt was anger towards him and glad that he was gone.
Today when my mother referred to him as a "loss," it hit me differently. I realized that even though I was happy to be rid of the guy that he had become, I could feel sad that I had lost my bestfriend, who he used to be. That it was okay that I've been hating the fact that I'm alone now, that it's okay to cry about the loss of a future I once thought I had with him. I bought this house when we were together, and made plans with him, now I sit in this house and wonder "what the fuck am I going to do now?" I love this house and wouldn't give it up for the world, but now it's like I'm afraid to move ahead alone.
If anyone knows me well they know that I hate to be alone. Yes, I have times when I don't want anyone near me and will bite your head off because any sound made annoys me, but one of my biggest fears is to be alone. Sitting here in the dark, listening to the little noises makes me sad, lonely and afraid. I would rather have my house filled with chaos then to spend days by myself. I know I need to be alone right now, I need to find strength to be alone. I did it once and I will do it again. But theres always that fear in the back of my mind that I will be alone forever. This fear isn't because I'm hard on myself or don't find myself pretty enough or because I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. I'm scared of being alone because sometimes I find it so hard to live with myself that it scares me into thinking "Who the hell would want to spend forever with me? who wants to make that kind of commitment?" Or I'm afraid of other people, I don't trust people at all right now (which is again in my own head so really it all comes back to me being the issue and not allowing myself to trust someone) No one needs to be punished for what someone else did to me.
Some say you're better off alone.
I'm afraid of becoming one of those people. I'm afraid of becoming someone who is scared of NOT being alone, that is scared to care or love someone else, trust someone else. Because I know that being alone keeps you from getting hurt and I completely understand that right now, but when I look at what I want my future to be, I don't want it to be just me in my house. I want there to be someone else, with little someone else's running around. People need love, and even if we avoid it sometimes for the sake of protecting ourselves and not wanting to admit that we need it, we still do. Maybe I'm not ready to set myself up for any more pain right now, but I know I'm always going to be willing to take another risk. Even if it means ending up feeling like this again and back at square one. Nothing last forever and change is constant, so maybe I just have to accept that I'll love more than one person and there'll be more heart breaks, but I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up because I know for a fact that I won't be happy alone. Might as well risk it to be happy even if it's not forever.