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Wednesday, 30 July 2014

Learning To Say No

One of my biggest weaknesses is knowing when to say the word NO. I seriously believe I will probably die from stress from taking on so many things that I don't need to do, all because I was afraid or too shy to say NO or I didn't want to disappoint someone or hurt someone's feelings by saying NO. Instead I suffer for it myself and say yes. Sure I'm all optimistic about it at first, I can conquer the world right? Then a couple weeks pass and it's actually time to follow through with it and what happens? I realize I have seven other things I need to be done today along with that added thing I couldn't say NO to, plus maybe one of two other things I couldn't say NO to. Now comes the time to have a mental breakdown because my plate is FULL, it's over flowing. 
When I'm having a really hard time with all the different, overwhelming thing that are going on in my life at the same time, I try to be positive and say, "it's okay, this isn't bad, this just means your life is full and has lots of meaning." Well there are times when you have to stop being positive and start being realistic. I can't do everything and I can't please everyone and I HAVE to learn to say NO! Yes it is all my problem, when I have to cancel things and disappoint someone or make them upset with me. I should have just said NO in the first place and saved a little less disappointment or anger towards me. But sometimes I can't see how messy and full my life is going to be a few weeks in the future, so I say yes. 
Today has not been my day, it's been very disappointing. One things after another just goes wrong, yes one of those lovely days. I want to crawl into a hole in my bed and sleep until it's over so that nothing else can go wrong, but I feel that because it is only 2:30 in the afternoon, that this is only the beginning of my bad day. Not because I am being negative, but because I have a gut feeling. 

Back to learning how to say NO, this has been an ongoing issue most of my life and here I am going to vow to TRY my HARDEST to say NO from now on, when it is needed. I want to do everything, but mentally, emotionally, financially and time wise I can't do everything. But my want to do it and my need to people please, blurts of YES's left and right. I'm tired of feeling like I am drowning and it's all because of myself taking on things I shouldn't take on. 
I love my life, even though close friends and family might hear my curse it. But I do have a good, full live that I am fighting to make better and better everyday. I just tend to cram as much into it as possible and end up overwhelmed, stressed, and crying in a corner alone on the phone to my mother. Who cannot fix everything, where I am left to make tough decisions that I usually hate making and could have been solved by saying NO to begin with. 

This was a short blog for me, but really it was just to make me feel better and to stop me from panicking about how my day has been going. Writing it out always seems to calm me down and give me a worldly sense that I am probably not the only one that has felt this way or the only one that even feels this way right at this moment. It sucks, but it's all a learning experience. 

Keep saying NO, when you need to. Don't overwhelm yourself and try to look weeks or month into the future before you say YES to something, chances are things aren't going to be a peachy as they are the day you are faced with question of if you can or can't do something. 

Sunday, 27 July 2014

What Keeps Me Awake

This will hopefully just be a short post to get a few things off my brain so I can hopefully get some sleep. I'm exhausted but my brain just doesn't want to shut down at the moment. I've been really bothered all day by the heavy, grey stress cloud that seems to be growing and looming over me more and more these days. Maybe some of it is self inflicted and I can't change much of it so I'm trying to be optimistic and productive about it all, but it's hard. Some days I just want to shake my fist at the sky and send the day in self pity, stuffing my face with junk food. That's what today was for me the evening was productive but this morning and afternoon for hangover soothing from going out with friends the night before because lately I have been feeling like a hermit, but if I go out I feel guilty that I'm not being productive and I beat myself up for it the next day. I've decided that tomorrow I'm going to make a couple big "life webs" I don't think it's a real thing but I'm going to see what I can do with it. I'm a visual learner, I need things where I can see them so I want to map out the major tasks of my life and it's near future. 
A friend/client granted me with what I considered a huge compliment this weekend by saying how much of an independent woman I was and that she couldn't do all that I do, and definitely not alone. And as proud as it made me feel, it also struck a cord for me. I thanked her kindly but reassured her I had plenty of help from my mother, because she does everything she can to help me, and I also informed her I'm not a solid, independent rock that I may come off to be. Yes, I pull myself together, but most days I'm a complete wreck. A body full of stress and tears. 
I don't want to be doing this alone, and by no means would I actually enter a relationship with intent on the financial help, but not having enough time or enough money is my biggest struggle right now and I miss the extra help. I can do it alone and I am proving a lot to myself, but it's shitty and hard and I don't like it. I don't like what the stress does to my mental and emotional health. On a daily basis this is just an average list of the things I have to get done or atleast touch base on. 
- my fulltime job (9-5) 
- my business 
- my house (housework)
- my studio reno 
- my animals (all 27 of them) 
- my everyday chores, errands, etc
- & the random other things on my plate like a photo class or helping a friend or whatever it may be. 
- oh and the social life I still try to have.

There just isn't enough time to go around for everything I have going on. Each one of those categories listed I can break down into about 10 subcategories as well. It's a lot to have on my mind all the time. And yes please don't shy from giving my compliments on how well I do, but it all comes with a price. I feel like I'm drowning in my own life, because I fight so hard to have what I want that it really don't get to enjoy it, I'm living on the hopes that in the next couple years all this stress and work will pay off, but it's a gamble. 

I think I should be able to sleep now. 
Goodnight world <3 

Tuesday, 22 July 2014

The Most Profound Relationship

I'm going to start off by saying being single is just as much of a journey as any relationship. I've been single now for almost 4 months. Which isn't the longest time, but this time I made the promise to myself and my ex that this would be it. It's hard and we are actually trying the "on good terms" and "being friends" thing, but it's hard. We're mostly past the hard feelings of it all, but how can you be just friends with someone that you invested 7 years of your life to loving them and planning a future with them and then deciding it's not the best for either of you? It's hard not to hug or kiss him out of habit, but I am glad to have him back in my life. I miss him in those relationship ways but I do not miss our old relationship. There was much more bad than good there. 

My first confession is that the other times we broke up (up to a year in length) I never actually promised myself to stay away, I falsely did, but deep down I knew it wasn't a real promise and I also still harboured a great deal of emotion for him and our relationship that I no longer find inside myself. There is some but not enough that I can't push it away and remind myself that I can't go through it again. 

So, how do I be "single" again? I had this person that I invested my time, energy and emotion into, where do I put it now? Who do I trust the same way I trusted them? How do I trust at all after I couldn't trust the closest person to me? How do I make a new future? How do I forget the one we planned together? Where do I find people that I can even remotely be interested in, on a relationship level and not just a "damn,you're fucking sexy, let's bang and never speak again" level. Because I know where I can find lots of those but have met very, very few of the people I would be interested in being in a relationship with. Let's face it, it's hard.
I never thought I would be saying any of these things. Because 1. I thought we would work it out and be together forever and 2. I feel like people in their mid 30's say these things. I'm 23, but I've had one boyfriend and it was sheer dumb luck that we started dating, so I have no idea how to meet/date/get to know anyone. And better yet how to even trust anyone enough to get to know them, to invest anymore of my time in someone. It's scary. I'm scared. 

Another concept I'm having such a hard time with is, should I even be worried about all this? Or should I just throw it all into the wind and let what is supposed to happen, happen? Will my knight in shining armor just bump into me someday? What if I'm either so untrusting that I don't give him the time of day or what if I have no idea how to talk to him and he gets bored and decides I'm my worth the effort. Because believe me, my level of crazy some days scares me so bad that I think "no man is going to want to deal with this." So again, should I be worried or should I just go on living my life and learning to love myself, letting fate will have it's way and hopeful I won't die as a crazy, old cat lady? 

My goal is to love myself more, get to know me more and make myself the person I want to be. But isn't that a life long journey too? It's hard and scary, if I had a partner, someone just as invest in the future I want, striving for the same things, it would be so much easier. Finding the person that wants those same things and wants to work as hard to get them, isn't so easy. So for the most part I'm okay with being alone right now. But having another person working and providing another income would be so appreciated right now haha donations can me left in my porch if you feel sorry enough for me. I want to be who I want to be, but not to lonely. I know I will get over it and I know when I am being a big baby about it. I can do it alone, emotionally, mentally and financially. 

Keeping up the house, working full time, building a company on the side while still trying to work that company part time and maybe trying to have a social life, leads to such an overwhelming life that I can't explain how much I want to cry each day. But I'm being positive, my life is so full it's over flowing. I love it, I just wish my stress level was better equipt for it. I want nothing more than to invest all my time and energy into my business but it's too big of a risk to leave my fulltime job, this is where that second person called a partner with a second income to make sure the bills got paid, would come in handy. But it's not there so things go a little slower and a lot more bumpier. I will achieve it all though, just not right away. 

Being single again is a journey, you have to find out who you are apart from a person that was so much you're everyday life that you would think of them as a limb attached to you. Being single is like losing a limb, it's gone now, and so badly you want it back or want to replace it so you can keep going as you always did but the smart and healthy way to go is to learn how to live without it and find the new you. The stronger, wiser you. 

<3 here's to hoping I'm finding myself the right way this time. 

Stay happy people :) 

Thursday, 17 July 2014

She Reminded Us How To Live

On Sunday night, July 13th 2014 the world lost a magnificent girl. A girl that lived to the fullest, a true gem that we are all mourning the loss of. I live in a small community that can have it's downfalls but when a tragedy such as this happens, Grand Manan makes up for everything. Every person puts aside there differences and comes together to help one another. In this case it was to help the grieving friends and families of Danielle Park. I didn't know her well, but knew her from extended family events, she was a second cousin and in my family second cousins are actually quite close. But she was 5 year younger so the age made it less likely that we were to know each other well. I regret that. Don't we all in these cases? What I do know is that she was radiant, determined, motivated and just plain amazing.

It all started sunday night when my mother called me in a panic, her boyfriend is on the fire department and a call came in about a car crash. It's like a web, everyone calls everyone to make sure they're okay and when those calls go unanswered it's full panic mode. She was rushing to the scene, taking dave his truck and of course the accident was in a dead cell zone. I was out of the loop as everyone else. It was awful. Bits and pieces of information get scattered from person to person, and just like a rumour, each person adds their own bit of excitement to it. You never really know what the truth is until someone calls from the scene or the hospital. It was a very long 5 hours of waiting for the correct news. We knew one of the 5 teens involved in the crash were no longer with us. Waiting for find out who is so painful, and half of you doesn't want to know or even acknowledge that it's happening. Danielle's name had been flying about the evening, but no one really wanted it to be confirmed, it couldn't be her.
That night I had so many people looking to me for the answers about the scene, it reminded me of the night George went missing at sea. All the calls and messages. The most familiar thing about it for me was the feeling. That blank, shock state. Calm, too calm. I almost felt heartless and had to keep reminding myself that it will hit me, just not right now. I had to tell a couple family members and a friends about the news. I sat and listened while they cried and asked the rhetorical question "are you kidding me?" when they already knew I wasn't, how could I? But it's just one of those unbelievable things, unimaginable and unexpected. It takes your breath away or sends you into a dream like state of disbelief, more like a nightmare, but you start questioning what is real and what isn't. This can't be real right? But it was. I still sit here writing this, 4 days later and I'm waiting to wake up, to snap out of it and have her back in the life that we all believe she should be living, the one that she fought so hard for. She was radiant in all her glory. So I've let myself come to terms with the fact that maybe that's what she was supposed to teach us. She loved so hard and I don't think our community has felt this much love for one another as we have for the past 4 days.

I know for a fact that Danielle's death will not be for nothing. She has already taught us so much and the community coming together to celebrate her life and mourn her loss has been an eye opener for many. Like I said it didn't hit me at first, I remained calm, shedding a couple tears the night of the accident and the next day I made it most of the way through. It wasn't until I was walking up the driveway to Mike and Tammy's that I thought, she's gone and I never really made the effort to get to know her. I felt guilty stepping into their house for the first time and on such awful terms. I was met at the door by Michael, I've admired him my whole life. He made an effort to speak every time he seen me, calling me trouble or making some sort of witty remark, always putting a smile on my face. Danielle must have gotten her goofiness from him. I've never been a hugger, maybe it's because I tend to put walls around myself in fear of letting people in or maybe its the fear of awkwardness if someone doesn't want that hug, either way I think I'm over that fear. Michael met me at the door and my first instinct was to open my arms and comfort him. I've never felt someone else's emotions in myself as much as I did in that hug. If I could have taken all his suffering from him at that point and bared them myself I would have. I didn't want that hug to end until he didn't have any pain left. My heart broke, because I knew I would never be able to actually save him from all his hurt. That is the most meaningful hug I have felt and I wept, wept hard. I did have to let go, but the hugs just kept coming. Tammy, oh such a brave, strong mother, tried to comfort me. Yes me, here I was coming to comfort her after her loss and she still has strength to keep giving to those around her. An amazing women and no doubt where Danielle inherited her compassion. Then there was Hunter, so torn, so confused, so broken by the loss of his big sister. Yet he still kept hugging and comforting his mother, not letting her forget what a great job she did raising Danielle. I didn't want to let him go either. I didn't want to let any of them go. I wanted nothing but to take all their pain from them, they are such a loving happy family, that seeing them go through such torment, ripped at all our hearts. But everyone wanted to take their pain away and none of us could do a thing. There were no words, no amount of hugs, no surplus of home baked goods that could make this loss any easier or turn back time to change it all. But each word, each hug, each kind gesture in the form of a cookie or flowers was a comfort to them.

I can't even begin to touch on the visitings and the service. They were all magnificent and the whole community came together to make sure this family never had to feel alone. I'm proud to be from Grand Manan and I'm proud that Danielle lived her, that her family and this community made her what she was. She taught so many people around her how to love while she was with them, and she made so many people realize from her passing that love conquers all.

I have realized from Danielle's death that life is too short. Yes I've known that, we all have, but this past week, it's really sunk in. We don't know when our time is going to be, so we need to live it in the most kind, caring, motivated, determined and loving way we can. Danielle was a star, she fought so hard to be the best she could in what ever she did. She gave it her all, in school, on the court, being a great friend, being kind to everyone, bringing joy to those who needed it and the list could continue. Danielle has inspired me to stop worrying about the little things and start looking at the bigger picture. Life is too short to not live it for all it's worth.

I wish I had taken the time to know you better Dani, you are truly an amazing inspiration to the world and you've touched and changed the lives of so many. Rest easy, until we all get to see you once again. I was never one for ball, but when I get up there you'll have to teach me. We all love you more than you could have ever imaged.

Sleep Sweet #9, Forever in Our Hearts <3