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Friday, 25 January 2013

Snap Out Of It

Gee, I'm not even sure if I should make this post. I feel like such a whiny baby if I do. But life has been straight-up real for just alittle over a month. And really I commend myself for not being in a depressive state right now. I have struggled with depression for over a year now, last year I was in the worse condition I'd ever been in. I wouldn't get out of bed and I just didn't want to face life. The absolutely stupid part of it, was I really had NOTHING to be depressed about other than the fact that I didn't want to live in the city anymore.
Then I take a look at my life right now and think "WTF had it good a year ago!" In the past month I've lost an immediate family member to the sea, left my long term relationship behind (which I was happy about because it was a toxic relationship and he's not the guy I fell inlove with, but I miss who he was before the alcohol), the pipes in my house frozen, I have mice in my house, I just got laid off and it's the first anniversary of a friends death. So this has been an awful month and even though I have my breakdowns I'm in alot better shape than a year ago.

The main reason I am writing this post is to just vent once again. Like I said I hate talking about it or even thinking about it because I feel like I'm whiny and that I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. I know that I am better off without my ex and who he is now, but alittle less than a year ago I thought we would get back together and stay that way. That things would stick this time and that I wouldn't have to worry. But the longer we were together and the more he drank the less unrealistic that became. I don't hate him and I have forgiven him, but I'm still so hurt. Not even by him but by myself. For planning a future and now having to deal with re-planning and I can't help but plan or try to. And it sounds so cliche, but I don't even know if I believe in love anymore. I've always been a skeptic and a "you love the one your with" type person. But the world is so much colder now, or it seems that way. It's a real miracle when you find a couple that stays together. Faithfulness is a real treasure to find in someone these days and I don't just mean in men.

I've been so lonely and not only do I hate living alone, I HATE that I'm not independent. There are two TOTALLY opposite parts of me. I have this cold, hard, tough side of me that doesn't ever want to feel anything and doesn't want to cry or be vulnerable and then I have the huge baby side of me that wants to do exactly what the other one doesn't. It really makes for a confusing life haha. Like one side of me wants to hate my ex and the other wants to curl into a ball and sob that she's alone and misses him holding her at night. Because really he wasn't all bad. We really did love each other, but in the end it came down to what he decided, I know he didn't understand that he was making ultimate decisions when he chose to do certain things, but those were deal breakers for me. I don't want to be constantly wondering if I can trust him or not, if he's going to be doing this or that behind my back or if he's really telling the truth or if later he's going to trip up in his lies and I'll realize that something was really wrong instead of right. But I really miss having someone there.
I'm the type of person that hates having a void in her life. When something goes missing I want to replace it right away, replace is the wrong word - but I need to fill a hole once something goes missing. Not that I don't want to remember what once was there, but that I can't handle not having it. When I have a pet die, I need to get another one, I need to love something else or have something else love me. And I substitute things - mostly food - for things that go wrong or missing. I hate that I'm that way. I hate that I NEED things. I hate that I can't just accept stuff and move on. So I'm trying really hard not to find a substitute for my ex. I want to be alone for awhile, or one side of me wants to be alone for awhile, when the other side really just wants to mail order a man and marry him. But I'm keeping myself real and off the mail order websites hahaha

As far as being laid off and being on call for work, I'm somewhat glad to have some time to work on my weight loss! I'm hitting the gym hardcore and rocking that shit. I want to be a decent size for summer and be able to be comfortable and have some fun!

1 comment:

  1. awwwwwww i just started following your blog but big HUGE hugs. xoxo