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Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Life's Complications and The Christmas Buzz

My last post was on Dec 2, which I find hard to believe. The past couple of weeks have pasted so crazily and fast, yet parts have past sluggishly slow. I haven't been posting much, because it's close to Christmas and to find the time between work, trip away, wrapping, and everything else is hard. Yet I find myself with all kinds of time to do nothing, so maybe it's lack of motivation to do anything but work or the fact that I've been wanting to ignore the part of my life that isn't work.

Tara has started working at the club and it's definitely
made work life easier and more fun :) 
Things have been hard lately and my escape has been those smiling, crazy faces at work. Coloring stockings full or toys and making elf versions of the kids, cuddling at nap time and working on counting to ten have been my "get-a-way from my life" distractions. I haven't wanted to face the mess that is my relationship with myself and the relationship with my boyfriend, and when a time comes when I realize what I've been trying to avoid, I shake it away in a state of denial. So as of the past couple of days I have been working my way out of this illusion and facing the problems that I am having. I have been running away from them inside myself, because someone I love has let me down and hurt me so bad, but worse I have let myself down and hurt myself.

I've really gone backwards with my weight. I am so angry at myself for gaining it all back after losing so much. So now I've got to pick my-(heavier)-self back up and make a stand against food - junk food and it's control over me. I've been so overwhelmed by life that it's been a comfort and a demon for the past few months. I hate it and it's tastiness. The one thing that annoys me most about having food addictions is that you can't cut it out completely! You have to learn to control it, because you still need it to live. I have to start looking at food as just something I need to survive rather than a pleasure and a "treat." I need air too, but I don't sit and suck it all in like the world's gonna run out of it, like I do with sugary goodness -.-' And it wouldn't kill be to jump on a tread mill once a day instead of hopping on the couch and pinning home decor ideas like I have the money to actually buy decorations and paint. Point is I haven't been that good to myself either, it's not all Justin that has done the damage. 

Justin and I have always had our problems and always will, but there are times that things get so rough between us, that we both question if we are meant to stick together or simply let go of it all. We can make ourselves so miserable and broken, that it's hard to remember anything good between us. I have a hard time deciding between the theories that we are repeating the past because we are scared of something brighter, better, different or never finding anyone else OR that we are being tested, that these hard times are just hurtles that we have to climb over in order to get to the "good life." It's so very hard and confusing to try and settled on whether to be together or separate for good. Sometimes I feel like we are each others worst enemies and we are purposely hurting each other, which is way sometimes I feel we shouldn't be together, yet we still love each other enough to put up with it all. It's MY choice that I'm still here, no one is holding a gun to my head to make me stay, I stay for many reason and some don't make a bit of sense to people outside the relationship. That's why I don't talk to people about us, because in the end it's only something one or both of us can decide. 
I believe in working on something until you know that you can't anymore. I push myself to limits I didn't know I had. I've had almost every bit of trust for people stripped from me these past couple of months, which I didn't believe would ever be possible because I always trusted everyone and now I avoid people because I'm worried of how they are capable to hurt me or let me down. Justin isn't a bad person, even if he's made mistakes that have caused damage to my trust, I don't blame him completely for it. We are human and we make mistakes. We get involved in something to the point of obsession and it can swallow us whole. In his case it was alcohol and he did everything to hide it from me, the lying and sneaking I know was to protect his habit, but I also know it was to hide his shame and shelter me from the hurt he knew I would feel. But I found out, I know him better than he knows himself, or that how I felt before. Now I am aware of what he's capable of hiding right infront of me and my confidence in my ability to read him has greatly diminished. 

I've made my fair share of mistakes. Most of them with reason to push myself again to limits I didn't know I could, for the experience and to know that I am capable of living through shame and being able to rebuild myself. People look at my past and laugh, because to most people who I was then and what I did, was a big joke. I find it quite humous and pathetic as well, but it was also a turning point in my life. I needed all those experiences pathetic and shameful, to make me who I am now. I knew that then and I am grateful for it now. I knew when to stop and I did it. Justin doesn't understand how I was able to, because he struggles with addictive traits and because of how he feels and thinks, he believes that I CAN'T just stop, that I still want that life I had. This is where he doesn't trust me. We are so different this way. I don't understand why he can't just...stop drinking and lying and sneaking. It hurts me, so why can't he just stop. Am I not more important than alcohol? does he not love me enough? These are questions that I have spin through my mind all the time, but I have to pull myself out of that tornado of questions and remember, he's an addict. Yes I have my struggles, and I have my addictions too (food...) but when I am faces with ultimatums or when I know I have to make a change for the better, I'm usually quite good at it. I stopped my partying, which involved many things that I am definitely not proud of, they are shameful and I hide parts of it from people I love because I don't want them to think differently of me. I know why I did those things, but other people have trouble understanding it. Point is, when it came down to what I wanted more, a life with a love, responsibility, work, kids (at work not my own), money, a house and more versus all-nighters, half gallons, drugs, dirty sex, fake friends and alot of confusion that I had to handle on my own. The choice was easy and I stopped. Sometimes it wasn't easy, I missed people who I still wonder if they miss me, I craved things and stayed up late remembering the fun and stupid of it all. But when I got into that life I gave myself a year and a year was enough. I wouldn't take back one part, one shameful part of that year, because I wouldn't know where I went wrong if it hadn't happened. I wouldn't know who I really am. I'm proud I was able to keep it to a year, not many young adults that get into that scene can just walk away like they planned it. 

The past haunts us and it stirs up hard feelings. Justin and I need to learn to focus on the future and work hard towards that mental picture we have of it. Something happens and we get set back because dust gets lifts from the memories that are in our backgrounds, things get yelled, words get said and they sting. It's not letting the relationship get infected by the past that will help heal it. 

On a lighter note here is some cuteness from work :) 

concentrating on her crafting 

Lib working on her reindeer ornament at the public library

snapped this one after he just woke up from his nap, bed head for sure :P 

giving santa a nice fluffy beard


this girl can't get any cuter. she loves her crispies and is always rockin' a beard with them

the next world wide explorer

his "smile" face. family photos are gonna be interesting for this guy :P

Noah trying to blow up and blown up balloon

Again deep in concentration, such a good colorer for not even 2 years old. I'll have this girl writing her name in a few months ;) 

found Bryce munching on some stolen crackers in the hall while waiting for dad to pick him up from daycare, guess this was a
good enough supper so he thought :P

I need to keep up with this blog, not because I feel like anyone is reading but because when I write it puts the mess that are my thoughts into order, they make better since when I can see them all in one organized manner. And if people do read and happen to relate, that's a plus. Or if they just come to scan through and look at the adorable photos of my babes at work, then all the power to them because I love looking at their cute little faces too.

Stay Happy and remember when you fall off the wagon and it backs over your a couple times or someone knocks you off a balcony 30 stories high, that emotionally you can pick yourself up from it. Don't let the pain that you or others have caused you keep you from moving forward with your life :)

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