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Tuesday, 19 February 2013

What A Mess

Hold on people, this is going to be a long, messy post.

My life has been a mess for a couple months now. I feel like everything is basically crumbling down around my feet. I'm pretty good at acting like everything's okay, or maybe I'm just really good at convincing myself that everything is or will be okay. Truth is, I've actually felt okay lately, probably because I've been ignoring everything around me and choose to pretend that life is good, but I haven't felt depressed and if ignoring life is keeping me from not caring about life, then I'll take it.

I really want to make clear that this post isn't me complaining or whining. I have a big insecurity that people are always getting annoyed by me or think that I am complaining or feeling bad for myself. I'm not, in fact I'm quite proud of myself for keeping what I have left, together. I haven't been feeling all that way physically and I've been sleeping alot during the day anyway, my insomnia has been acting up at night and I've just been catching naps when I get actually dose off. But lately I've wanted to sleep, my dreams have been vivid and seem a whole lot better than life right now. That's no way to live, so I'm awake and trying to get my shit together. I've got so much stuff I should be doing but have no motivation, but I'm not a big fan of giving up, I'm just a good procrastinator so I put trying off sometimes.

Another really awful thing that's been bothering me lately is my breakup. It's been what almost two months now. Something that people should know about me is that I grieve and deal with things differently or I guess the best way to describe it is in this photo. Only I don't deal like the girl does, I'm alot like the guy side. Maybe it's because my father had a big influence on me and trying not to show weakness plays a big part. The thing about how my relationship ended has alot to do with it too. He didn't leave me, I left him because he hurt me and let me down big time. I know that I don't deserve that at all, but I have this thing where I continuously blame myself for everything or that I feel I'm responsible for a good chunk of shit that happens. I don't think that's a bad thing about me, I'm glad that I can take responsibility for my actions, but part of me knows I did everything I could to make our relationship work and another part of me still feels like I could have done more, tried harder or been better. I am not a saint, I wasn't the perfect girlfriend, I have many of my own issues, but point was I tried, I put in the effort to be better and felt like he wasn't doing any of that. I loved him, still do or I guess I loved who he was at the beginning of our second time around. I definitely miss that guy, not the drunk, but who he really is. Truth is I was embarrassed by alot of things that he did and still am, but I've realized that I made him feel that way with some of my bad decisions. I'm not perfect, far from it actually. Point is even though I think he's an ass/douche/idiot/insert any rude name here, I've really been missing him. I've really been feeling cheated out of everything I or "we" had planned for in 2013. I feel like I should have been more important than alcohol, I understand addictions but they don't get better on their own and the only person that can change it is the addict. It's all up to them, so it's still a slap in the face, when he said "I have a problem, I doesn't just go away" you're right it doesn't but you're the only one that has the power to change it and I know he could have. I was selfish once and left him for what I wanted, so like I said I'm not perfect. I believe life is about balance, so maybe our second run was for me to learn so of the feelings I made him feel, learn from my own mistakes by having them thrown back at me. I just miss him and our plans and the little things and having someone always there. I know I'm better off and I will not run back to him ever again, this is all just a test to build up strength to stay away.

I do not want a relationship again for awhile. I'm not ready for that at all. Which brings me to my next problem. Being single and out of work, makes for too much time on my hands. I've been going out too much and need to tone it back a bit. A couple of years ago I allowed myself a year to party, to get it out of my system so I could just get serious about things. Well it worked while I was in a relationship, but now that I'm back to being alone, going out has been fun. Truth is though that I'm not as big of a fan of it as I used to be. The next day I feel stupid and don't care half as much for the "good stories" anymore. So I'm going to stop before I really make some bad choices and get myself into a big mess. I like being sober and I like the life I was living, being single and out of work just got me down and partying seemed to make light of the situation. Another way to ignore life, but really it just cause more problems in the end. I'm not myself, because I make another personna in order to deal with life.

Which brings me to my last issue, which really ties in to the past paragraph. I constantly feel a war with myself. I feel like I have two totally different sides of myself that are always arguing about what I should do, how I should feel, how I should fix things and so much more. I mentioned before that I believe life is all about balance, this is just another thing that makes me believe. Whether it's religion or whatever else you believe in there is always a balance. You can't have good without bad, light without dark, positive without negative. I see my "two halves" as balance. Kinda like a good angel me on one should and a devil me on the other. Some people could find this really funny when I describe them as "robin" and "bluejay" not that many people read this, but for those who don't know me I was given the nickname bluejay (for the obvious, my name is robyn, which is a bird, so my nickname was just another bird) But I consider Robin my sensible, realistic, tame, good side and Bluejay as my wild, stupid, bad half. Not just because I acquired the name while I was partying a couple year ago, but because it's really become alot more than that for me. I always feel like a nut-job talking about it, but it's balance, some people choose to hide the bad things that they do, but everyone does wrong. I just choose to separate myself as a balancing act of two common birds. I can be two totally different people when I want to be, one does alot more good than the other, while the other one has alot more fun and doesn't mean to do so much harm. I had the two birds tattooed on me, most people thought it was funny because it's just my name and a nickname, but to me it's more than that. It's me as a whole. My good and the bad and I can't live as just one of them. Crazy or not I'm me and I understand myself most of the time even if i'm arguing with myself. I've been fighting with myself about what to do with my life, work, social, private. I'm just lost and trying to get by, hoping that things will eventually get put back together. It'll just take time I guess, everything takes time.

I let so much get to me, you might not see it from the outside, but inside I'm a complete and utter mess of emotions and thoughts. I stress over so much stuff and over think everything. I've always just wanted to be someone that just cared less about problems, but I suck as caring less. I care about everything, which means I stress about everything.

On a high note! I've been pinning so much because really that's all I do when I have time. Other than be really really super productive... Check out these screen captions taken only a couple days from each other. All my pinning my paying off in followers haha

And only a week or so before this photo I was pumped for 500!

I also find this sad that this is one of my greater accomplishments of the past week... Thanks for following though :)

Stay Happy!!

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