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Thursday, 19 April 2012

It's Been Too Long

I know that there are like zero people waiting for me to post another entry, but I really have neglected my next post. There are soooo many different things that I could post about, so I am going to somewhat shorten them all and make one, probably large, post. And here is goes in order that excites me most.

For the first time in months I have been really happy. Those who are closest to me know the struggle I have been through since a little before Christmas. I've had depression in my life before, but nothing like the past several months. I was extremely depressed, not my normal bubbly happy self. I stopped going to school and hanging out with friends, I stopped leaving my house period. I avoided it as much as possible. I started sleeping, ALOT, not getting out of bed, waking up and going right back to sleep or pulling the covers over my head and watching tv episodes online. I started crying all the time, sometimes for no reason, I would cry when I woke up, in the shower, while doing my hair, and on the phone to my mother. It was very hard for me to see myself like that and I wanted to do whatever it took to make myself right again. I was under alot of stress inside myself and I was growing very sick of the city and school. So I left, I moved home.
I know it may not have been the "smartest" decision, but looking at it now I still don't regret it. I knew I needed to get myself home surrounded by people that I loved and that loved me back. I know that some people in my life don't understand why I would want to come back to this place and I understand why they feel that way. But this is my home and even through it's flaws, I love it. Sure I wish that sometimes I was closer to the mall or the movie theatre and definitely a grocery store with fresher produce! But as far as the mall and theatre go, I'm glad that I don't have the temptation to spend $$$.
Since I have made the change to live home I have changed alot of things in my life. I am back living at my mothers, which is a big struggle in more ways than one. I love the woman to death, but she's got to understand that I'm used to living by my own set of rules and habits and I'm not the teenager that she can nag all the time. I love you mom, if someone reads this and informs you of it haha I still love you and we've probably "exchanged words" about this topic already :P I have also started to save. I just purchased my first set of studio lights for the business I am trying to grow! I have picked out a "dream" property that I would like to start putting pennies in a jar for - far chance that I will ever reach that dream, but it's something to live for. And I am started to save for a big fancy photo printer to further by business and a small jar for a chicken coop I would like to have this summer :) I have STOPPED drinking and partying, go me! But it has made it harder to see friends. I will go out occasionally as the weather heats up, but I was partying every weekend all weekend and it wasn't helping my depression any.

I have STARTED anti-depressants. Lately I have been feelings like I need one of those pill holders with the dates on them for old people so that I can keep track of all my meds, between birth control, migraine medication, anti-depressants, anti-biotics and vitamins, I feel I could open my own drugstore! <- that's a joke for any browsing officers, I ain't sharing my meds!
BUT I have to tell you these new anti-depressants have not only started to kick in and give me a better mood and keep my smiling, but they have also given me the most INSANE - I mean it when I say insane - dreams for the past four weeks. I have done everything from stay the night in an erupting volcano, signed up for the job "SPIDER HUNTER" - complete with training and trapping, seen the day the Grand Manan Adventure was replaced with the TITANIC - even a sunken ship can stay running longer than the Advench, smoked illegal substances with a couple police officers, and lived most of my life in a dream - I lived from being pregnant, to having my first child, Jack, to having a second and third, Olive and Bennett (I'm really hoping this is a dream and not a prediction). So these dreams have definitely become my new form of entertainment, most days I wake up laughing so the anti-depressants are working day and night haha.

The next thing that's brought a smile to my face is a new relationship or you could say an old one. I've started dating my ex boyfriend again and although some may not understand it, I do. And that's all I need. I haven't felt this awesome in a very long time and I hope this feeling never leaves. Somedays I stumble upon photos with words like "dating your ex is like getting out of the shower and putting on the same dirty underwear" and "there's a reason they're your past, look forward to the future." A few months ago I would have cheered for those photos, but I've had a change of heart. We were very young and naive when we started our relationship 4 years ago, and after 3 years I started to grow restless and didn't know what I wanted out of live and he really needed to learn to grow up on his own and stop looking to me for the answers to his problems. So I called it off, but this past year apart has done wonders on us both. We both grew up, found ourselves as individuals, tried to hate each other and found ourselves wanting it back, and I went alittle crazy, but I'll post about that another day. So here we are with a fresh start.
We started hanging out and enjoying video games we used to play, shows that we like and eachother company all together. Laughing and talking, catching up on what each other has been through the past year. I probably did much more talking than he did, because it's hard to shut me up once I start talking about my events of the past year. Which I will never regret, the stories, laughs and unbelievable occurrences will never leave me. It's all apart of who I am and I wouldn't change it for anything. I'm happy with my current life and I thought it would be harder to stay in and enjoy one persons company, but it's exactly what I want right now and what I see myself wanting for a long time. So maybe I put my dirty underwear back on, but they're my favorite pair, they really look good on me and I love them.

I have been playing TOO much ps3 and watching TOO much netflix. Justin's playstation has definitely become my new bestfriend and fallout has become the majority of our evenings together. I love that game and we have been playing as a team and we've never been better at it! It's been so much fun. I've fallen behind on tv shows and blog entries, but I have been doing alot of archiving and cleaning out my computer and editing programs to get ready for the summer photo season.

Justin and I also did alittle work out in the yard, prepping for the garden, compost and hopefully chicken-coop. I visited with my long lost father and stepmother which was a great visit! I'll be starting to go over there a lot more helping pay back what I owe them for the money that I'll be lending until my job hunt is over, HOPEFULLY soon, because I would love to start bringing in some money to put in my savings jars!

Overall I am really enjoying my life right now. Two months ago I would have rather slept days away so that I wouldn't have to get up and face my life, because I didn't like where I was and what I was doing. Some people have a hard time understanding depression and that's okay, it's hard to understand something that you haven't experienced, but it is real. It's not laziness or just not getting enough sleep. It's a miserable feeling of hopelessness and feeling like you're trapped in an endless hole of emptiness. That's what it was for me, I felt like if I stayed where I was I wouldn't ever smile again or feel warm inside, all I could feel was that I didn't want to get up and live my life if it was just going to be what it was. I couldn't be happier with my decision to leave and come home, I'm my bubbly, happy, positive self and it doesn't bother me that I won't stand up and get a piece of paper saying that I learned what I learned. I can still create the art that I will, not receiving a diploma won't change that. I have talent and I'm still going to put it to good use!
I hope that if someone reads this that is going through any sort of depression, know that you aren't alone, most people go through a period in their life when they feel like nothing will change and there's no help. If you feel like there is something you could do to make yourself happier, do it. Whether it's moving, making new friends, stoping something or starting something. Change is the only way you're going to get out of that hopeless hole. I started partying when I was depressed because of my relationship and it ending, and then I stopped partying to get out of a depression. Sometimes you just need to rearrange or organize your life, switch things up so you don't get bored and tired, go back to doing something that used to make you happy or try something new. But do SOMETHING so you don't keep feeling the same.

signed a much happier robyn!

1 comment:

  1. Dear Robyn, I have my tough months as well and I know what it is like to cry all the time and not want to leave your bed. I am so glad that you are feeling better and have moved home. It doesn't matter if that is the right decision or not, at the end of the day if it makes you happy then its the RIGHT decision.
    I hope everything keeps looking up :)
    xx Gi