What Do You Say? "Thank You"

This is my personal favorite and the one I spent the most time on :)
#8

We go on quite a few field trips with day care and they are all so well mannered, it makes me so proud. And when we go on these outings we take so many pictures to document the moment, but I started to think that we should be giving something to them to remember us by! So in this new year of work I am going to try and get the kids to color so many "thank you" pages for all the places we visit and the people that come to see us. I saw something on pinterest I liked, they were coloring cards, but I would have needed to pay, so I sucked it up and spent the TIME to make my own. I did 2 years of photoshop, I'm sure I could spit out some good coloring pages! I think I did a pretty decent job at coming up with a good variety good templates.

Here are the links to the PDF files for the Thank You pages for anyone who would like to use them :) 

Thank You 1

Thank You 2

Thank You 3

Thank You 4

Thank You 5

Thank You 6

Thank You 7

Thank You 8

Before the New Year

Sitting here today, during this rotten storm, I was thinking "wow, this year has been a complete waste!" but that is so not true, so many great things happened, but just as many bad things happened, so it makes me feel like they cancel out, but really the good things were really good. I have a wicked awesome job, wouldn't change it for the world. I bought a house, a freaking house and although it over whelms me most of the time, I really do love my house. So now that I have to go back to my house, alone, I'm really going to have the spare time to do what I want to it. I need to stop being so lazy and afraid of doing things alone.

I'm a big pinner, I LOVE Pinterest, I waste too much time pinning and not trying the things I find. So my goal - not a new years resolution, this isn't the new year yet that is why I wanted to get this post out before the new year - is to make to do lists for each month of 2013 of atleast 30 things I want to do, and accomplish atleast 20 of them! These are small little to dos, I will also have bigger things that I won't be able to finish in a month, but need to remember to continually work on them. 

First off here are a couple things that I need to continually work on through the new year. 

1. Cleaning off my mac and archiving my photos 

I really want to start a wisdom book and fill it with life lessons
that I have learn,  for quotes and any other bit  of meaningful
knowledge I think suits my life and morals.

2. Documenting for work and for personal 

3. My professional work portfilio 

4. My "Wisdom Book" 

5. Start my physical "House Book" with little things that need to be fixed or replaced in my house, decor ideas, bigger reno projects, and more. 

6. Better blogging, on here and my photo blog 

7. Working on my business! my website, business plan and office. I've really neglected this lately. 

8. Saving money and budgeting

9. My organizer
10. And compile a list of recipes or make it yourself item, (laundry soap, deodorant, etc) 

Those are just things that I can think of off the top of my head. I'm actually going to have to print on this list so that I can actually remember. I put so many things in the back closet of my head so much. And I need to make some of this stuff real physical beings (books) because the internet is so easy to get side tracked and forget about main things that shit just doesn't get done. So cutting back on my internet time is a goal of mine for this new found me.

I had started this "do so many things a month" goal at the first of december, but I totally failed at it and I think I was meant to because of the whole spend time with the family while I could deal. So there are a couple of things that I would like to get done before 2013 gets here, but nothing really crazy, because I am not going to try and pull off unrealistic goal in the next couple of days. Here are the couple of things that I would like to get accomplished before Jan 1st.

The Life Calendar - I really want to find a cute little box for mine to, like the one on the left

Memory Jar

I sure hope that I can atleast get these two things done before the new year. I would also like to get some of these done over the break, or before the end of january.

1. Moved back into my house, all my christmas stuff and the rest of my things from my mothers that didn't make it before. 
2. The whole placed cleaned
3. Re-arrange my bedroom 
4. Get my office function-able and organized
5. My piano moved out of my house

Then there is my Dream To Do list which consists of things that I always want to get done, but NEVER sit down to do it. 

1. Re-write my children's books
2. Write more from my other ideas 
3. Work on my personal photography

And finally there are my work projects at the club. 

1. My professional portfolio
2. My Video Project
3. Documenting year book 
4. Idea Book
5. Coloring pages 

I will post my January list soon and a couple other post. I think I am going to do up some posts ahead of time incase there are time I don't feel like blogging. 

The Test

Life sure has a way of throwing shit at us all at once.

Let me just say that first off this Christmas did not feel like Christmas, no cheer, no energy, no joy, but there came was some understanding. Not to the questions that we wanted answered, like why, but understanding that we will never know, understanding of the past month, and understanding of some itty bitty ounce of good that came from a tragedy.

My Christmas was miserable because of the accident, a breakup and the common cold. I did hold myself together most of the time thinking of my mother and her loss, of all our loss and I'm proud that I got the courage to step out of a relationship that truly was unhealthy. I'm extremely proud of my Mother, she is my hero for having the strength to get out of bed in the morning, especially these past couple of days and more the fact that they were holidays meant to be happy. I could go on and on about how proud I am of my mother and that she is my mother, so to sum it up she's just plain amazing and I will be here for her for the rest of her life.

I am over my anger of what happened, it didn't last long and if anything my faith has been strengthened and I've noticed alot of spiritual moments over the past week.

As for my break-up I need to do a little venting.

As much as I want to bash him and say all the awful things that I have been thinking these past couple of days. I doubted how much longer I would be able to put off leaving, I knew it was coming but the holidays, denial and hope were keeping me from just doing it. Finding out some news of how much it upset George that I was in such an unhealthy relationship and how much it upset him that I put up with being treated poorly, mixed with some recent lines being crossed just sent me over the edge with anger and I got fed up. It was the last straw. I think that the anger has 

masked much of my emotions of suddenly being single again, I know that I am upset. I loved Justin, still do because those feelings just don't go away, but he isn't the guy that I fell inlove with anymore and I had to come to terms that I can't make him who he used to be, he has to and I can't fix him. We were both miserable, I can be very hard to live with as well, we all have our faults. I would like to say that his may be worse, but he is sick. Being an alcoholic isn't something that he can just give up over night. But the mental abuse and lying that came with it stripped me of my trust, the stealing and hiding and sneaking combined with the recent pain he had caused made me realize there would be no way that he could regain that trust needed to have a healthy relationship. I would always be wondering, even if I gave him some trust, it wouldn't all be there, it would always be whispering in the back of my head. So neither of us deserved that. He can hate me, bash me, forget me and more. I'm going to try my best to take the high road, not the usual high road of "i'm bigger than you, I'm pretending that I don't care what you do or what you say" road, I'm taking the "i'm going to mourn the loss of our relationship, cry to myself in order to move on, not go on a slut binge, do what's best for me and get healthy" high road. There will be moments when he'll hurt me and maybe that's what he is setting out to do, but this time I can't let it control me, I have to take a deep breath, remember that I deserve so much more even if that means a single life for awhile and turn my head, maybe even think of something awesome and new in my life and smile about that. 

We could have been something great, if we were both the same people we used to be, the people that planned out an awesome little hobby farm and cute little family, but there wasn't half gallons in hiding places or fights over old fights from years ago in those plans. Somewhere along the way there was a mistake made that did a ripple affect to spoil our plans or maybe it was fate, a lesson to learn. Who knows, life is a mystery and time isn't going to stop because of a break up. 

I'm going to be happy! For me, for him, because I do still care about him, even if he thinks I don't, I do wish him the best and hope that he can find happiness and love down the road. It'll be heard not to go running back to that relationship. It's what I have known for so long. We started dating 5 years ago, with last year spending 10 months apart and getting back together. He's the only relationship I've had, he's the only relationship I've known. 

This time I need to do something that I am so afraid of doing, be alone. Yes I've been single, but in the back of my head I always knew he'd be there when I wanted to come back. This time even if he is still there to go back to "I" have to do this on my own, do something different, and move on for good. No more peeking back and making sure he is still there, I really have to let go of the past and walk into my future. Make something better for myself. I have an awesome house, an amazing job, the building blocks of my own business, so now I need to work on getting healthy and organized and then down the road maybe some guy will come along that's worth giving a new relationship a shot. 

 I've still got some growing up to do, but don't we all? I know the things that I want, but it's the getting to it that's going to be the hard part, but I guess it all takes time and it never happens the way you plan it. Which is so hard for me because I like to have everything planned out the way I want.

I'm getting so tired that my eyes are beginning to cross and the words are all starting to blur together, so I'll finish up the post with saying that I am sad for the end of this relationship, its like giving up on a dream that we had mapped out and imagined for ourselves - see there's that thing I do... plan shit - but it needed to happen, so I will learn to love it and I could use the single time to myself. I have some pinterest projects I want to get done and ALOT of stuff to do at my house. Hopefully I will be able to post again in the next couple of days about getting back into living at my own house!

Stay Happy! or atleast work on being happy!

There Are No Words

This post will contradict the title.

I wanted to post this while my feelings and thoughts were still on the surface and it will probably take me hours to word correctly. A day or two after something like this happens feelings get muted and numb. Some may wonder, why would you post this now? There must be something better you could be doing, why would you want to remember this? But there isn't anything else I could be doing, except waiting. I probably will get little sleep tonight and this is a way to release my feelings when I am trying to be strong for my family, is also keeps my mind on a steady track in order to collect my thoughts.

Tonight, my mother's boyfriend - i hate this word, it seems so immature and small - her love is what I will consider him in this post, was taken from her tonight, from us. Everyday we forget or put in the back of our minds the dangers of the job that most of our men and woman face.
I come from a small fishing community of Grand Manan Island. My mothers love, was lobster fishing when he went into the water without a sound and in the blink of an eye. There was nothing that could have stopped it or that the men he was with could have done. This was between 4:30pm and 5:30pm. As I write this sentence it is 12:20am Dec 21 2012 and there has been no sign. There is no way that we will ever see him walk through the doors again. The temperature of our oceans water this time of real is beyond breath-takingly cold, it is life-takingly cold, his chance of survival for a couple of hours would have been surprising. It has been 7 hours now. My mother knows that it's over, but she still has hope they may find his body. She is such a strong woman, I can only half image how she feels. George was family to me, but he was her love.

First off I would like to thank our amazing community.
The amount of boats that went to the scene to search for hours in the dark and cold. Except it was anything but dark. The power of over 20 vessels lit up the waters surface, 2 helicopters and countless flares in the sky sent light from above. I heard it looked like a city on the sea searching for a lost man. The search will end in a couple of hours.
Then there are the people from home that are waiting for news just like us. I truly believe that when one of our hearts breaks here on the island at least half of the communities hearts are heavily filled or cracked and broken as well. I want to thank you for all the kind words, thoughts, prayers and hugs from afar.
Second I would like to thank our amazing friends and family. That came to sit with us, cry with us and laugh with us when we don't feel like laughing. I have felt true love from many of my close and distant family members and friends. People I haven't seen in a long time and people I see every day. It is a small community, but with jobs and other everyday life, we drift apart and get caught up in what life is. It saddens me that we only come together at holidays and tragedies, I wish I could feel the amount of love I felt when we were all crammed into one house, everyday.
Third I would like to thank God, for being with all of us affected. I would still like to send an online prayer that you look over my mother and Georges family a few provinces away.

Some may ask why put God third? I have been struggling inside alot with my inner religion and at a time like this it is very hard to understand God's choices and decisions. I know I shouldn't be angry with him but I am. I am angry at many things right now. I remember to thank God and included him because I know everything happens for a reason, that it's all I know. Right now I have so many questions for God I could sit down and interrogate him for all the pain my mother is feeling. So yes how I feel right now, God is third.

It is now 1:30am and the rcmp officer just left our house. There wasn't much he could tell us or anything like that, he came to find out if there were any people we needed help contacting, but we have done the bulk of that ourselves. It was nice to sit with him and talk, even laugh. Most encounters with officers are tense and awkward, but this was friendly and comforting. ( I had to stop writing this post to speak to the police so times could be messed up a bit)

At the beginning of the night, when I first got the call about my mother's love, I thought, "Oh okay, he's fallen over and they've picked him out of the water and they'll sail in and have to take him to the hospital to check him over." With in minutes, those thoughts were hopes and grasps of wishes.

We just got our last call from the Search and Rescue, they have called off the search at 1:47am. I've had to watch my mothers heart break before my eyes. Not physically, but the pain on her face creates a mental picture I will never erase. As I listen to her cry in her room I can't help but wish I could take all her pain away. That I was a sponge that absorbed all sadness, I would rather feel it myself then to see her this way and hear her this way.

I am sad, but I am angry. I am heart broken that my mother has to have the agony of this inside her heart. After finally finding happiness again, she could only enjoy it for a short time before having it stolen from her. I am angry at God and do not understand his "plan" I know I will forgive him and have in ways already, but I am still angry. Like when someone wrongs you, and you forgive them, but you don't forget what they did. I feel my mother has been wronged.

I am angry at the greediness of our world. That these men risk their lives to make a living for their families and put food on our tables and other peoples tables, and people think they make large amounts of money, some do, but not average. The money hungry, top of the pyramid "buyers" make me sick. I feel like my mother's love died for $2.75 - 3.25 a pound. To me that doesn't amount to his life. He loved fishing, but just because he loved it, doesn't make it right that he lost his life for so little. I feel cheated. I feel like making the money hungry "buyers" go fishing on a small boat in the fall. Then ask them what they think they should be paid at the end of the day, or better yet a season.

Tonight, I was even angry at the snow. I hadn't seen much snow until tonight and I wanted the first time I stood outside in the snow to be a happy day. This was not a happy day. As I stood on my doorstep, after gathering my things to stay with my mother, I watched the snow slowly and softly fall from the sky. When tragic things happen and it rains, as I child I believe that God was crying. As I stood, I wondered, "what was snow? ... frozen tears for a fisherman lost in the cold sea? or was God trying to show me some beauty to the world that he had just flipped upside down for my family?" I didn't really care either way. I am angry and sad. It really doesn't matter.
I started to focus on single flakes falling and as I grew more angry, it seemed the snow fell faster. I wanted to lay out on my lawn and let it bury me. I wanted escape, I wanted denial.
To be honest, I lost hope very fast tonight. I knew what the outcome would be and accepted it long before I should have. They save have hope, be positive. I've never been a optimist, nor a pessimist, I'm a realist and I knew the odds. It was just the waiting game, for the search to end. I am forever thankful for those who searched for a body, for the closure for my mother and the rest of Georges family. But me, I don't need a body, but understand why others do. I realized that back in feb when I heard a dear friend from across the globe had drown. I didn't want them to find the body - they did and I'm happy they did for his family - but I would rather have believe he wasn't gone. That he had jumped aboard a ship and sailed to far off places and that someday, some where in the strangest and most random of places, I would catch a glimpse of his face and smile.
It isn't this way with George, but I still don't need a body to know the fate. It was more of a mystery with my friend, maybe because it was a different location, closer to shore, but in the middle of the bay, 2hr sail from shore. There is no swimming to land and taking off on grand adventures.

It is 2:08am and the house is silent. My mother is quiet, either sleeping or lying awake starring into a happier that once was her life. But the house is silent, except the clicking of my keys as I write this post. I think I hear my dog licking his puppy parts, but mostly it's quiet. I could probably ramble longer, but I think this post has done it's job. I have clearly thought my thoughts and written them to justify my feelings. I may never look at it again or I could daily for weeks, but I did it for release. I'm alone in the post and feel weight off my shoulders each sentence typed.

Usually I would sign "Stay Happy" but I am unable to in this dark time. Instead I will leave you with...



Thank you.

Life's Complications and The Christmas Buzz

My last post was on Dec 2, which I find hard to believe. The past couple of weeks have pasted so crazily and fast, yet parts have past sluggishly slow. I haven't been posting much, because it's close to Christmas and to find the time between work, trip away, wrapping, and everything else is hard. Yet I find myself with all kinds of time to do nothing, so maybe it's lack of motivation to do anything but work or the fact that I've been wanting to ignore the part of my life that isn't work.

Tara has started working at the club and it's definitely
made work life easier and more fun :) 

Things have been hard lately and my escape has been those smiling, crazy faces at work. Coloring stockings full or toys and making elf versions of the kids, cuddling at nap time and working on counting to ten have been my "get-a-way from my life" distractions. I haven't wanted to face the mess that is my relationship with myself and the relationship with my boyfriend, and when a time comes when I realize what I've been trying to avoid, I shake it away in a state of denial. So as of the past couple of days I have been working my way out of this illusion and facing the problems that I am having. I have been running away from them inside myself, because someone I love has let me down and hurt me so bad, but worse I have let myself down and hurt myself.

I've really gone backwards with my weight. I am so angry at myself for gaining it all back after losing so much. So now I've got to pick my-(heavier)-self back up and make a stand against food - junk food and it's control over me. I've been so overwhelmed by life that it's been a comfort and a demon for the past few months. I hate it and it's tastiness. The one thing that annoys me most about having food addictions is that you can't cut it out completely! You have to learn to control it, because you still need it to live. I have to start looking at food as just something I need to survive rather than a pleasure and a "treat." I need air too, but I don't sit and suck it all in like the world's gonna run out of it, like I do with sugary goodness -.-' And it wouldn't kill be to jump on a tread mill once a day instead of hopping on the couch and pinning home decor ideas like I have the money to actually buy decorations and paint. Point is I haven't been that good to myself either, it's not all Justin that has done the damage. 

Justin and I have always had our problems and always will, but there are times that things get so rough between us, that we both question if we are meant to stick together or simply let go of it all. We can make ourselves so miserable and broken, that it's hard to remember anything good between us. I have a hard time deciding between the theories that we are repeating the past because we are scared of something brighter, better, different or never finding anyone else OR that we are being tested, that these hard times are just hurtles that we have to climb over in order to get to the "good life." It's so very hard and confusing to try and settled on whether to be together or separate for good. Sometimes I feel like we are each others worst enemies and we are purposely hurting each other, which is way sometimes I feel we shouldn't be together, yet we still love each other enough to put up with it all. It's MY choice that I'm still here, no one is holding a gun to my head to make me stay, I stay for many reason and some don't make a bit of sense to people outside the relationship. That's why I don't talk to people about us, because in the end it's only something one or both of us can decide. 

I believe in working on something until you know that you can't anymore. I push myself to limits I didn't know I had. I've had almost every bit of trust for people stripped from me these past couple of months, which I didn't believe would ever be possible because I always trusted everyone and now I avoid people because I'm worried of how they are capable to hurt me or let me down. Justin isn't a bad person, even if he's made mistakes that have caused damage to my trust, I don't blame him completely for it. We are human and we make mistakes. We get involved in something to the point of obsession and it can swallow us whole. In his case it was alcohol and he did everything to hide it from me, the lying and sneaking I know was to protect his habit, but I also know it was to hide his shame and shelter me from the hurt he knew I would feel. But I found out, I know him better than he knows himself, or that how I felt before. Now I am aware of what he's capable of hiding right infront of me and my confidence in my ability to read him has greatly diminished. 

I've made my fair share of mistakes. Most of them with reason to push myself again to limits I didn't know I could, for the experience and to know that I am capable of living through shame and being able to rebuild myself. People look at my past and laugh, because to most people who I was then and what I did, was a big joke. I find it quite humous and pathetic as well, but it was also a turning point in my life. I needed all those experiences pathetic and shameful, to make me who I am now. I knew that then and I am grateful for it now. I knew when to stop and I did it. Justin doesn't understand how I was able to, because he struggles with addictive traits and because of how he feels and thinks, he believes that I CAN'T just stop, that I still want that life I had. This is where he doesn't trust me. We are so different this way. I don't understand why he can't just...stop drinking and lying and sneaking. It hurts me, so why can't he just stop. Am I not more important than alcohol? does he not love me enough? These are questions that I have spin through my mind all the time, but I have to pull myself out of that tornado of questions and remember, he's an addict. Yes I have my struggles, and I have my addictions too (food...) but when I am faces with ultimatums or when I know I have to make a change for the better, I'm usually quite good at it. I stopped my partying, which involved many things that I am definitely not proud of, they are shameful and I hide parts of it from people I love because I don't want them to think differently of me. I know why I did those things, but other people have trouble understanding it. Point is, when it came down to what I wanted more, a life with a love, responsibility, work, kids (at work not my own), money, a house and more versus all-nighters, half gallons, drugs, dirty sex, fake friends and alot of confusion that I had to handle on my own. The choice was easy and I stopped. Sometimes it wasn't easy, I missed people who I still wonder if they miss me, I craved things and stayed up late remembering the fun and stupid of it all. But when I got into that life I gave myself a year and a year was enough. I wouldn't take back one part, one shameful part of that year, because I wouldn't know where I went wrong if it hadn't happened. I wouldn't know who I really am. I'm proud I was able to keep it to a year, not many young adults that get into that scene can just walk away like they planned it. 

The past haunts us and it stirs up hard feelings. Justin and I need to learn to focus on the future and work hard towards that mental picture we have of it. Something happens and we get set back because dust gets lifts from the memories that are in our backgrounds, things get yelled, words get said and they sting. It's not letting the relationship get infected by the past that will help heal it. 

On a lighter note here is some cuteness from work :) 

concentrating on her crafting 

Lib working on her reindeer ornament at the public library

snapped this one after he just woke up from his nap, bed head for sure :P 

giving santa a nice fluffy beard

pre-fluff

this girl can't get any cuter. she loves her crispies and is always rockin' a beard with them

the next world wide explorer

his "smile" face. family photos are gonna be interesting for this guy :P

Noah trying to blow up and blown up balloon

Again deep in concentration, such a good colorer for not even 2 years old. I'll have this girl writing her name in a few months ;) 

found Bryce munching on some stolen crackers in the hall while waiting for dad to pick him up from daycare, guess this was a
good enough supper so he thought :P

I need to keep up with this blog, not because I feel like anyone is reading but because when I write it puts the mess that are my thoughts into order, they make better since when I can see them all in one organized manner. And if people do read and happen to relate, that's a plus. Or if they just come to scan through and look at the adorable photos of my babes at work, then all the power to them because I love looking at their cute little faces too.


Stay Happy and remember when you fall off the wagon and it backs over your a couple times or someone knocks you off a balcony 30 stories high, that emotionally you can pick yourself up from it. Don't let the pain that you or others have caused you keep you from moving forward with your life :)

When Life Gives You Lemons, Say I Like Watermelon Better

Life has really been kicking me in the ass lately. I'm trying not to complain too much about it, because some pretty good things have been happening too. There are always three ways to look at things - positively, negatively and obliviously. I am trying to keep positive, but sometimes that can be really hard to do.

The past couple of days I've actually been in a pretty good mindset. Thursday I started staying at my house alone (I will get to why after) and spent some "me" time on getting some things ready for work and catching up on tv shows. Friday I put my tree in and decorated it, while also having it fall on top of me in the process. It really did look beautiful after it was completed. Saturday I woke up and got ready to head of to the annual Christmas Market that is held in our community every year, I spent alittle cash and headed home with a bag full of goodies. Once I arrived back home, I got this fantastic urge to clean. I re-arranged my pantry and cupboards, cleaned my kitchen, porch and laundry room. It didn't take me long and I felt awesome about what I had accomplished, I hadn't cleaned that much since I had moved in. 

Living alone has really made me not only bored, but it has seemed to free up some of my time. Instead of always cuddling on the couch watching tv shows, I'm wandering around the house looking for something to do. 

Now about why I am living alone. It's not something that I want to elaborate on too much, but most people know that Justin and I have our fair share of problems in our relationship, but we also have our own individual problems and issues. He is manic depressive and suffers from anxiety with a touch of bi-polar and I'm OCD with depression and weight issues. But we want to be together and we fight for and work together or try to atleast. Justin has an addictive personality and I have a high novelty seeking personality. So I am always searching for a change or something new when he is stuck on one thing. So he's gotten himself into a bit of a mess with alcohol and it's really become too much for me to help him control. I have a bad temper and because I don't understand why he can't just "stop" we always end up fighting and when he's been drinking, his temper isn't that great either. He's moved back to his parents so that he can hopefully get past this problem and we can eventually go back to living together. But with alcohol came the sneaking and the lying, which is something that I hate the most. I HATE lying and although I do it on occasion because I am not perfect, my guilt will eat me alive about it. But most of the time I just don't understand it, if a friend asks me to lie to someone for them, most of the time it ends up hilarious because I can't wrath my head around the reason someone would want to lie and then I can't come up with anything that would make sense to say. That's beside the point though, because of how many lies have been in our relationship lately, my trust is just about gone and it really hurts me to say that. I used to be such a trusting person and now I barely trust anyone. 

I stayed with my mother last night because of a life changing event for her, she got her very first computer...and I had to teach her how to use it. Although training has just begun, she does have an email, facebook and pinterest account and can work all those herself. So day one of training went well. I stayed tonight because today was a very "blah" day, I slept most of it and when I went home my beautiful christmas tree had fallen down and a bunch of ornaments were broken and I just was too aggravated to be home, so I locked up and came back down to my mothers after standing up and tying the tree off. Atleast I get to go through the fun of re-decorating my tree. 

Some good things that I've got going right now other than having my house clean and teaching my mother the ways of the "current world" I am working on a new project for work. As an educator in a daycare, we have to document what the infants and children do and learn, how they live their lives at daycare. It's my favorite thing about work, because I get to use my photography and photoshop skills at my job, which I didn't think I would get to use much, but I bring quite a bit to the table when it comes to documenting. Right now I am working on video documenting, when I quit art school to move back to my hometown I was learning about video. I had been really excited about it until the worst of my depression had hit and I stopped going to school or even getting out of bed. So I'm starting to teach myself and working on a few projects. The BG Club has video equipment, so maybe as I learn more I can start using some of their tools later on. 

My biggest news of all and probably the reason that I haven't given up after all this alcohol craziness (which by the way has made me hate booze and I have been sober myself since August, whoop whoop go me!) is TomTom. TomTom is a cerebellar hypoplasia kitten. A litter of kittens that the St. Stephen SPCA took in were affected by the disorder. Most of the kittens are mildly affected with very little displays of the condition, two of the kittens are moderately affected, TomTom being the most affected. What is Cerebellar Hypoplasia? They also call it drunken sailor or wobbler kitten, it affects the cerebellum in the developing stages in the womb. Sometimes if a pregnant cat is vaccinated during her pregnancy it can cause this disorder in her kittens, or if the cerebellum is damaged somehow during a kittens term in the womb. The kittens motor skills are affected and some kittens may have only mild tremors, moderate walking troubles or some kittens can have CH so severely that they will never walk. The one thing to remember about these kitties is that they are in no pain and don't realize they are any different from their fellow cats. Sure they do feel it when they bump into the wall or fall, but I don't have CH and I probably have more bruises and cuts than this kitten. 

I didn't plan on adoption another cat for a couple of years. I just took in a kitten from a local family and she was infested with fleas, so after cleaning her up and getting her back to a healthy kitten state. I said no more cats. Then I read about TomTom and it touched my heart in a way I can't explain, maybe it's because I've worked with special needs kids or on some level believe I'm kinda "special" myself. But I just had a feeling that TomTom was for me. I emailed right away, but felt the need to make sure that TomTom was adopted by me that I called the SPCA, you know I am serious about something when I pick up the phone and actually speak to someone. I HATE phone calls. So after waiting for paperwork to go through and cheques to be received they finally told me a week later that TomTom will be mine :) 

I was so speechless and excited when I found out. Yes my house is full of animals, yes I like it and no I don't care that you think I shouldn't have four cats, a dog and a giant bunny, but I do and I love them all more than I like most people. These days I have become a home body and keep to myself alot, those four cats, a dog and a giant bunny are my family. We share a 3bdrm house and although they don't pitch in on chores, I don't mind cleaning up after them, cause I love them. 

Here is a photo (right) and a video of TomTom. I am not sure what I am going to name him once he moves in, so I am just calling him what his name is at the shelter, I don't mind TomTom and maybe it will even stay that, but I want to meet him first before I decide on a name. For more information about CH cats visit HERE.

So far he has been able to take 10 steps without falling over, hopefully with practice and muscle development he will walk alittle farther as her grows. If he doesn't thats okay too, we'll love him anyway :)

Stay Happy! <3 and don't be afraid to adopt an animal with special needs, read up about there care and understand what they are dealing with, don't go over your head either! But animals with special needs deserve loving homes too :)

When You Think You've Tried Your Hardest - You Try Harder

First off, I feel like I haven't been to work in ages, I've had this insane flu mess - like I haven't been that sick since I was a child. And on top of being out of work from the flu, we had a long weekend, due to short staff and remembrance day. I am missing my babies a whole bunch right now and I can't wait to see them in the morning. I also had a great surprise when my best friend/little sister sent me a message saying "take your sister to work day tomorrow?" it was the best text I got all day. After this extra stressful weekend, I need some time with my girl.

Like I said my weekend was stressful, things have been rocky between Justin and I. We came very close to calling it quits, but I am so committed to that guy it scares me. I really suck at commitments, but not this one. Some people question why we are together if we have so many issues, but it's all about the love. I want him, despite our issues, issues can be worked out, some take more time than others, but we're make it through. We choose to be together, we want to be together. I don't believe in soul mates, I believe in love and hard work. I'm very old fashioned when it comes to relationships and I think so many people give up too easily these days. Don't get me wrong, I'm not telling people how to live their lives or that it's wrong to break up. Some people need to due to certain circumstances, but I think alot of relationships could be saved if people were willing to work harder at them. 

I'm not married to Justin, yet anyway, but I still say for better or worse, he's not the only one with issues and just because this is his time for help doesn't mean I'm not going to be a strain on the relationship down the road, I'd like to believe that he would stick by me when I needed it the most. People have faults and they make mistakes, but it's forgiving and working at things that make a relationship last. I know I'll make my share of mistakes in the relationship so basically I don't want him to leave me behind, so why should I leave him behind and give up? Treat others the way you want to be treated. 

This isn't going to be the long post that I had planned, because I'm not going to go into the crazy details of the problems in our relationship like I thought. I decided to focus more on our determination to beat the odds of the average couple these days. I want to be like my grand parents, I want to actually reach a crazy anniversary of 60 years together, instead of getting married and divorcing after 2 - 6 years. 

Neither of us are easy to live with. I was an only child, everything is "mine", it has to me "this way", I'm anal and ocd about so many things, I'm a woman so I do get tired and cranky, I'm bossy and loud, I have weight issues, depression, insomnia and so much more. So it isn't just him, maybe I do drive him to drink, but he could do that to me too. I believe in being sober these days. I want my kids (see my...haha I mean our) kids to grow up with a father that doesn't need a glass every night. There was a time when I loved drinking and partying, but I made a crazy time in my life, just so I would have it to look back on, a learning experience and it was short lived. I don't have an addictive personality like he does, except food...but food is something you can't just give up like cigs and beer, you NEED food, so you can't give up that addiction, you have to learn to control it. 

My point being, I love Justin and I want to go all out with him. Sure we have big fights some times, but we get through it, we work and pull through it. That's the main thing. We need to work the big stuff out now, before we bring rings and then babies into the picture. 

Stay Happy and Stay Together :) 

when you think you've tried your hardest - try harder 

DayCare Pros!

I would just like to point out that I am NOT AGAINST in home babysitting. This post is mainly just to point out the pro's of DayCare facilities.

Lately at work I have been thinking, "Why don't more people send their kids to daycare?" I work at a Boys and Girls club that offers, play-school (ages 2-3), pre-school (age 4), infant care (birth-2), daycare (2-4) and an after-school program. Most of the time we are mostly full other than the nursery - the room that I work with another awesome woman, so we keep pretty busy. But I think about it and there are SO many kids that I can think about that should be taking the opportunity to come to the club. 

I asked around and some people said that they thought people didn't come because they think that it's dirty, that maybe they had a problem with a person or two that worked there and that they just don't think there kid needs it. 

Like I said before, I am not against in-home care or babysitter or even keeping your child home. If you don't work and have the time to spend with your child that is AWESOME, but if they don't have spend alot of time interacting with other kids there age or detach from a parent, it can be an issue later on. I know this because I was one of those pre-school drop outs because I cried and cried and cried for my mom to come back and get me - because I KNEW she would and I knew just how to get her to - and she did. When it came time to start Kindergarden, I was a total brat. I lived across the road from the school and my mother had to DRAG me across the street kicking and screaming. My grandmother came to help once and I was snapping and biting at her hands like a rabid dog. And when asked why I acted this way I said in a sweet and innocent voice "but mum, I'm just stuck to your hip!" All charming and manipulative I was. I knew how to be a complete crazy kid and still manage to get an "awe" out of my mother. I eventually stopped making such a fuss, but it took many mornings of a struggle for my mom. 

Basically my point there is that it would have been alot easier for me to go to kindergarden had I been involved in community programs earlier in life. My mom should have let me cry and just kept me in preschool. But that crying can be really hard on a mom too and the educators, so sometimes it doesn't always work. I think it's better to get the detachment over with before beginning school though. That is just my opinion though. 

Cleanliness. The daycare is clean. I would know because I have to scrub down my whole room every friday. So the infant room is very clean. We do have cleaning schedules we are required to follow and the place isn't dirty. Sure when you walk in, in the middle of the day the place looks trashed, because we have 20 kids in a room playing with playdough, water colors, building blocks, sand and heaven knows what else, but sanitary wise, we are good to go. (I won't go into the fact that I think kids should eat dirt and be really messy any, because that is my opinion only) 

And as it goes for colds, flus and lice. Yes it goes around. I have never had lice in my life and it scares me to death. I recently found out that lice really don't care for dyed hair. I think this may be one of the reasons I didn't have it. I started dying my hair at the early age of 10, but even before that my mom was very careful about my hair when I went off to school. I'm still hoping that I won't ever get it, but I'm sure my time will come. And the amount of colds that I have had is awful, but it's like a initiation for the first year lol. 

The Pro's of sending your kid to DayCare:

1. We all have first aid! - NB's public childcare is MUCH better than it used to be. We all have to have our first aid incase of emergencies. I just took mine and learned so much and I'm confident with how to handle emergency situations!

2. We all have to take the curriculum courses for Early Childhood Care and Education! - Another thing that NB now has. I travel away for a year taking courses on how to educate children in their early stages of development. 

3. Socializing - Even sending your child once or twice a week can help a child develop social skills away from the parent and with children their age. Sure you can have play dates, but there are lots of kids at the daycare, lots of toys AND educators. It can really build a childs self esteem to be away from a parent and building relationships with others. YES it is really hard to leave your child crying the first couple of times, some may take longer and some even hop right into it and wave "bye mum!" 

4. Detachment - As I stated above can cause issues when entering school. We try and help that not be such an issue, but even kids that go to daycare have trouble adjusting to the new teachers at school. 

5. It gives you a break! - If you are a stay at home parent, it wouldn't hurt to send your child once a week or even for a couple hours a day. 

6. Experiences - We try to do many different activities with the kids that maybe not every parent has time for. We also have different themes in the rooms that we switch up every so often and try to keep the kids learning about new things. They aren't the only ones that learn either. They teach us and the other kids. 

I would like to repeat again that I am not saying that it is wrong to send your child to someone else's house for child care, because sometimes we are full and can't take any more children. So I ask that people not take offence to this post because I am really only posting the good things about daycare. I love my job so much and even though I am exhausted at the end of the day. I've found myself missing my kids on the weekends and excited to get to work. 

It saddens me that we have this huge brand new building and are already out growing it. At the same time we want to provide more services for the island children, but we are tapped for space as well. With regulations and ratios, we have to have certain amounts of space and workers to provide more children with care. 

I almost forgot! They are NEVER too young for daycare! We have an awesome infant room and starting your kids out early can make a world of difference later on. Sure it takes a lot more to win a baby's trust sometimes, but when we do it's a great feeling. I have bonded with some babies and until I started in the nursery I never had that luxury. Let me just tell you, it's awesome! When I see those little faces light up when they see me, it's a great feeling. 

When I have kids, they will be enrolled  in daycare at an early age for sure :)   

I hope that some people that read this learn alittle something about the care and education we provide for the children at daycare. The training that we go through to be able to work with children and that we aren't just a bunch of people watching kids play and coloring pictures haha There is much more to it that some people don't see. 

Stay Happy!!!

If I have even made one parent that doesn't send their child to a daycare centre, consider the pros to doing so, I will feel like this blog wasn't for nothing :) 

Happy Halloween!

I'm still not used to my life being so busy. The past couple of years I was just so slack with life and now that I have a normal one it feels like I never stop! I am making two different posts tonight, one about halloween and one about daycares. The obvious is that this is the halloween post.

I have NEVER been a fan of halloween...but now that I work with kids, I feel like a bit of a douche for not putting more effort into the occasion. I've had soooo many cute spooks here tonight, really I've only had 20 so far, and that's why I want to go all out next year. Light up the front yard and make sure that everyone stops in! Stock up on candy all year and then dish it all out! 

I didn't dress up myself this year, because I HATE dressing up and that's partly the reason that I didn't care for halloween. But really I want to make awesome costumes for next year. I did however, dress up my pom, Tinka, as a lady bug. She's such a cutie. She's never really been around kids, so I am trying to get her used to them slowly. She is nervous and will nip, but I've only seen her do it once the first time I babysat and the second time she was much better. 

I hope everyone is loading up on candy tonight, but and I'm having to keep myself out of it. I'm hoping to have a new weight topic blog post up soon and look forward to my house warming party post as well. Mind you, my weight post will be nothing inspiring due to the fact I've gained all of it back in my recent depression spell, but I'm not giving up and I'm gonna get back on track. No more excuses, even though I can come up with soooo many lol. 

Stay Happy and have a Happy Halloween! 

Home Owning Life

I have been living without internet for the past 30 days and I've actually lived to talk about it. The good part is that I have been so busy that I really haven't had alot of time to waste on the interwebs anyway. But I really have missed blogging. I'm going to make a quick but good post about how things have been before The Walking Dead comes on.

I've been working alot and taking some curriculum courses away. I was away this weekend for one and spent the night at my aunts house, which was really nice. I always love going away to spend some time with her and my cousins.

Work has been so awesome, I have to be honest that it was alittle stressful at first because I didn't have much experience with infants and toddlers, but now that I've been working there for almost 2 months those buggers are really growing on me. I find myself missing them all the time and I'm almost excited to get out of bed and go to work.

These pictures are of me and a little girl I work with, she is so smart and loves my iphone. She'll take it out of my pocket and try to unlock it to get to the camera, then she climbs up in my lap and sits on one side of me so that I can reverse the camera and she can see us and she'll push the camera button. She likes to do funny faces and nice smiley ones. She's such a sweetheart!

 When I'm not working I'm at home cleaning. I spend so much time cleaning and doing housework now, but I will give Justin some credit because he helps me alot on his days off, which I am very thankful for. There is still so much to be done in the house, but it is coming along as I have time to work on it. I finally got my bedroom set up alittle bit more today. I hung some stuff up and justin and I worked on the walk-in and got our clothes all organized. I think my next project will be the downstairs bathroom, because my father and stepmother generously bought me a great housewarming present :) a dryer. I am so thankful for it too, the dryer that was in the house has got to be from the seventies and the belt is gone in it and I can only put a handful of clothes in it most days. It makes doing laundry take forever! So when I take the old one out and put the new one in, I think I'm going to take up the laminate that is covering the hardwood up. I do not understand why people covering beautiful hardwood floors...even scractched hardwood is better than the orange/yellow laminate that is currently on the floor. This room is also the room that needs to most cleaning and organizing. So I'll make this the next to-do. Hopefully I will be able to afford it.

Here are some before and after photos of the master bedroom.

BEFORE 

BEFORE

I think having the bed this way makes the room feel so much bigger! 

I love my room. It feels so nice to just have it ready, it's just a different atmosphere when it's not completely wrote off.

And for those who live away and might not know what my house looks like here is a photo :)

I have so many more things that I could talk about, but time is getting close for me to curl up in the livingroom of my mothers and watch the walking dead, then I have to go back to my internet-less house and go to sleep so I will be refreshed to go into work tomorrow and not get home til 10pm because I have first aide courses until thursday :(

I'm hoping that my modem will be here soon so that I can blog from my own house haha

Stay Happy!

What Happened To Free Time?

I have no internet and even if I did I feel like I wouldn't have enough time to use it. I am and have been so busy lately and it's driving me alittle insane.

Lately I have been working full time, traveling 6 hours, for a 1 hour and 15 minute course, taking photos and editing photos, babysitting and trying to put my house together and sell stuff that is in my house. All of this is turning me into a zombie I believe, I can't even feel my brain anymore. 

I really really really want to post photos of my house, but I haven't even got it looking nice enough to take photos of. I guess thats the fun of having a house. I'm currently at my mothers using the internet because BellAliant won't allow anymore new costumers for internet on the island. I had to pay a good chunk of $$ to get them to transfer the internet from my mothers to my new house 5 mins away. I really think that the fact Bell is refusing us islanders internet needs to be brought to someones attention. Don't be a provider of internet for a select amount of people on the island or atleast work towards fixing it! 

I have to get back to being a lonely home owner now! Who hopes to have internet by next week, even though she was told it would be the first of this week...stupid companies. 

Stay Happy! 

Oh and did I mention that I don't have a free weekend until Christmas?! I don't even know if I will be able to throw myself a house warming until months after I bought my house! 

Whoa Whoa Whoa!

The time is finally here! I'm counting down the hours instead of the days...and I think this might even be the hardest art yet. I really wished I had the chance to meet the sweet older couple that had owned the place before me. I did the final walk through with the real estate agent tonight and there were notes in the kitchen from the lady to me about the different plants outside. It was so nice of her to fill me in on little things like that because I am in no way a gardener.

It's very hard for me to realize the actual state of the property right now, because inside my head is my dream of what it is going to be once I start working at it. Some people spend hundreds of thousands on a house that they don't have to touch, it's just ready. Although this house is fit to live in, it needs lots of updates and that's what excites me SO much about it. I get to make this gorgeous old house with TONS of character, into a home that is updated and very "me." Along with the notes the couple left mostly everything in the house, which to me is basically like getting 10 Christmases in one. These next few days are going to be pretty amazing. If anyone really knows me they know I have a huge appreciation for history and old items. Going through the walk through there were so many small vintage items that I was just overjoyed to have been left there. There is quite a bit of stuff that I won't be keeping, partly because I won't have the space and some of it I could care less for and need to sell so that I can get some money to do more renovating.

I can't wait to do some posts after I FINALLY get into the house. I am just too excited to even cope with life right now. I am watching Dexter re-runs and blogging about how excited I am. So I think I will post some inspiration photos of the rooms that I am going to paint.
Our bedroom is obviously the first room that I'm going to re-do, because the bedroom is where we have to feel the most comfortable, so I wanted to really make it feel like my own. Then I thought what other room in the house will we be using most, so I decided to do the livingroom along with the bedroom. 200.00 later after buying paint, I was glad I only chose 2 rooms. I'm hoping to get to the kitchen in the next month or so.

Here are some of my ideas for our bedroom :)

I love so many colors that I couldn't choose just a few, so I'm going with a boho-ish
style and using lots ofdifferent colors. My walls are going to be a neutral -grey-
 and one wall be a bright coral color. I have too many accent colors to do a
small pallet. 

grey - with alot of accents :) 

Lots of bright colors :) and I'm thinking of trying to hang fabric! 

Neutrals with bright colors 

Livingroom

This was the first photo that inspired my living room, the color isn't so blue that I chose,
but I didn't bring this photo with me to pick out mine, but I'm sure I will love my
 color as much as this :) 

Well that's in for now! All I have to do now is sleep, get up, go to work and then at lunch hopefully I will be able to get into the house and start cleaning and going through EVERYTHING!!! :) That's going to be the fun part, it's like a treasure hunt to me. I'm so excited. I will be doing lots of instagraming tomorrow! Wish me luck!

Stay Happy :)

Where To Begin

I wish I could say that I have been keeping busy and not rolling around on the floor whining about waiting to get into my house, but really I've just been working and whining haha. I have been some what productive and packed some things up and met with my lawyer last night to sign the papers. This week has been kinda awful though because I haven't been sleeping, there has been a terrible mess going around at work and it's not even like a visible cold. It's something that eats away at the inside of you and just makes you feel DREADFUL, but people look at you and say "k stop acting like you feel shitty," cause they are coughing and sneezing. So yesterday I was extremely exhausted and on top of feeling crappy and dealing with personal issues I had to dish out a bucket full of cash to pay lawyer fees - shoulda become a lawyer now that I see how much I have to dish out on this side of things haha - BUT it's all going to be worth it come thursday!

Since this whole house buying thing started I haven't been able to concentrate on anything but that, so I really really really can't wait to get it over with and go back to normal life, just in my own house. Get organize and get my ass in gear. I have lots of projects that I want to start working on.

Some new things in my life have been,  I started working out with my BioDad/Aunt/Tonia, we went for a two hour walk on tuesday it was pretty great, we were supposed to do it again but I haven't really been feeling that great so we went for a smaller walk on wednesday and then work and exhaustion took over. We are starting a weight loss plan with another friend from work, just so we have someone else to answer to and weigh us in because we can talk each other out of anything. "oh we can go for a walk tomorrow,""a bag of chips never hurt anyone," "well we fell off the wagon already this week, so we'll start over again next monday," and so on! We weigh in at 11:00 and I am DREADING it, only because I know that I cheated myself and gained my weight back that I lost at the first of the year. I'm really hoping that working with her will keep me on track and she'll have great tips about eating right and she's VERY encouraging and understanding!

I also put my name down for a volunteer program, what we called in school "toast cart," so I will be dealing out the toast instead of getting breakfast from it haha. I'm alittle nervous, I start it in october and its only a couple of days a month. The reason I started was because my grandmother does it and I thought it would be a nice thing we could do together and because the boys and girls club does up the schedule I asked to be put on her days :) And even though it will mean earlier mornings those days, I live next door to the school so I can just hop on over real quick before work!

Once I get into the house and get alittle settled I really want to start re-using and re-creating items, so I've been online yard-saling and buying up some things that I want to work on. So I can't wait to start posting about that. I feel so horrible for not blogging much these past coupel of weeks because work has been crazy and buying a house really made me go alittle nuts and I didn't want to do anything my pin because I was so excited. Now that it's actually a few days away I've calmed down and really just want the 5 days to pass by.

The nursery has been pretty great, I'm learning alot and catching on to things, but because I grew up an only child I have to say the past few weeks have been over whelming for sure! So my mother switched my jobs this morning so that I was able to hang out with my older kids and she looked after the babies. I'm so thankful that we can do that on days when things are just too much for one of us, I really miss my "big kids" and it helps when I'm having a bad day cause they really make my day. They all told me that they want to come visit me at my house and I said they REALLY have to come trick-or-treating at my house this year!!

This weekend it's giving alot of rain and I was hoping to get a photo shoot done to pass some of the time, but by the report I won't be able to, still keeping my fingers crossed though. SO if I don't get to do a shoot, I will get another post up on idea's I have for my master bedroom!! I'm so excited, but really unsure of what to do about it!

Stay Happy!!!